My Ode To Sunday Nights

What can I say...Sunday nights I always reflect on my weekend, my week that has just past and the week to come.
As I review what I did, what I could've done better, what I have learned and what I will pay attention to this week, I realize that no one ever really knows what goes on behind closed doors. You take what you see at surface value. And believe it. Because you want to. And expect it to be the truth. But quite often the truth is far from what you see.

WTF?

About 6 months ago I wrote about this, which lead me to a neurologist. Who sent me to do a few other tests. Results? A cyst on my pituitary gland. I am now waiting for another mri date to further investigate this cyst. With some magical dye injected in a vein, a wonderful picture will highlight the pituitary gland...and give us some detailed answers.

Next.

A couple months ago, on a routine doctor visit, I may have mentioned that I was having crazy, weird heart palpitations. I figured it must be anxiety over everything going on...or lack there of...but doc said "just in case, lets have a look. We want you to be as healthy as you can be when it comes to IVF time". Off I went to cardiac care at the hospital to have a holter monitor put on for 48 hours. Results? Abnormalities were detected with my heart. Hmmm, interesting. Anyway, heart test #2 will be done on Monday which will also involve some magical dye.

In all this I still await my endometriosis surgery date.

Freaked out. WTF right?

Single lady

Ok. So maybe my last post was a bit trucker mouth-y, but it felt good. And since this is my safe place, it's probably best I vent here and not attack some random pregnant lady. Right? Right.

Anyway, moving on.

My Love has been away on business for 4 days now. He will be coming home today. A break is good. A little me time was much needed. But I'm ready for him to come home now.

It was fun to sleep in the middle of the bed.

I watched whatever I wanted to watch, whenever I wanted to and you can be sure that none of what I watched involved some type of ball being thrown, kicked, putted or bounced.

I sort of felt like a single lady...but not really single.

I don't get it

Do I really feel the way I do? Because it's not consistent. Ever. Some days I am so angry, I feel like I am on fire. Other days I am so hopeful, it's like I'm walking on air. I don't get it.

What I also do not get is the whole infertility thing. Blah. It's like a cruel joke.

Oh, and I don't understand endometriosis. One day it's not there and the next it's there forever.

Also, since I'm on the topic of "not getting it"...why can some people have 20 babies and others none? F* U* Duggar family.

And I can't stand people with kids who got pregnant on their first try or who "planned it that way", who want to offer me advice. Really?
Shove it.

And not to mention the people who think "it must be nice to be able to sleep all night" because I don't have to attend to a toddler who has had a bad dream.

Shove it again. I actually don't sleep at night. Period. Because I may never have a toddler. Period.

Also, I can't just adopt...asshole...it's not that simple...

And NO, if I just relax it won't just happen...bitch...

And sorry I cannot go on vacation so it can happen while I'm there...because I have spent all my money on fertility treatments...genius.

Thank you very much.

Have a nice day.

Where I'm at

I know I always go on about L.O.V.E. and H.O.P.E. like its the "be all and end all"....
but it sort of is. Well to me it is.

And if I always believe this, then my worst days won't last that long and my best days will last longer.

And this song is where I'm at...

(no copyright intended)

Happy 4th Anniversary

Dear My Love,

Happy 4th Anniversary.

It's been four years since we said our I do's on the beach. That perfect day, so beautiful. Best. Day. Ever.

Four years have gone by quickly. Always something going on. Needless to say never having a dull moment thus far...since the day we met really. If you asked me 4 years ago where I thought we'd be today it would have looked different than where we are. But here we are and I wouldn't have changed a thing. These 4 years have made us who we are today. And I'm proud of that. I'm proud of us.

From career changes to health scares to infertility and to things that don't need mentioning, one thing is certain, we are stronger now than ever before.

I've changed a bit. You've changed a bit. We've changed a bit as a couple. Separately and together these changes have all been so positive.

I think we used to dream in black and white but now we dream in colour.

With all my cheesiness and all my heart and soul I believe L.O.V.E is the best thing in the world. And with that, I believe I just may love you more today.

We love unconditionally. We argue respectfully. We learn from each other daily. I am your biggest fan. You are my greatest supporter.

I love how we know each other so well...but still not enough so we are always growing.
We are so opposite, but quite the same. Your always logical thinking compliments my always emotional ways and these extreme emotions softens this logic.

I love how you adore the 37 year old me and amuse the 5 year old me.

I may not ever understand why you want to swim 2.4 miles then bike 112 miles then run 26.2 miles for a marathon....all in one day...but I admire it. I may never join you, but I will always be there cheering you on...

To infinity and beyond.

I love you My Love.

Our wedding song.

Deja Vu

                                                                         It's deja vu. It's deja vu I tell ya.

Same place. Same doctor. Same reason. Only thing different, it is now 2 and a half years later, 3 and a half years into our trying to conceive, I am older and more (fertility) wiser.

I had a consultation Monday about having a second endometriosis surgery. We discussed our 'surgical' goals. Which simply meant the goal was to preserve fertility. And although this will help some of the pain, the pain courtesy of endo being attached to my bowels and bladder may not be touched at this time.
Another tubal dye test will be done to make sure my fallopian tubes are still not blocked, any endo that can be safely removed will, of course. We need to know what we are dealing with. And now we are awaiting a surgery date.

But, to quote the doc, "things are sometimes different once we have you in surgery". Oh and "I need you to understand, that just because you are having this surgery does not necessarily guarantee that IVF will work. I don't want you to have false hope."

Right. False hope. There's no such thing as 'false' hope. It's just H.O.P.E. doc. It'll be the same hope I had after all our medicated cycles. It'll be the same hope I had after all our IUI's. And it'll be the same hope I have that I will wake up from surgery with all my female parts not completely devoured by endo. It'll be the same hope that our one and only IVF try will result in a baby.

I have stage IV endometriosis. The worse kind. The meanest kind. And there's nothing false about that.