The game

I haven't played in a while. And I was hoping that the game would never come up again. But it did this past weekend, and I struggled.

The game I am speaking about is, the "this time next year" game. We had our annual community garage sale on Saturday. My Love and I always try to make a point of going for a walk, just because (well, he amuses me and comes along). We didn't this year though. The weather wasn't the greatest and I just wasn't into it.

Saturday, as I slowly drove down the packed street to get on wth my day, I watched as the new families with babies in strollers and the pregnant women walked around scouring baby item deals. I'm sure there were others too, but I didn't see anyone else.

I cried, because it is "this time next year"....again...and again...and again. I didn't expect it would take my breath away like it did. But it did. And I am sort of surprised. Or not really. I feel like I am dealing just fine. Although my dealing may be more like pushing down my feelings, something I don't usually do. Or maybe this is just how it's going to be, random attacks of breathlessness. Or randomly feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. Or random pieces of my heart breaking.

I don't fucking know.

What I do know is that it has only been a month and a half since our miscarriage. A month and a half since we called it quits on any more fertility treatments.

So yeah...I'm dealing...the best way I know how.



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Just a little venting

It's been a while since my last post. And in all honesty, I'm having a tough time writing lately.

What's been happening emotionally is I can feel myself going through the grieving stages. Don't get me wrong, I am doing pretty well, and I have learned and am embracing how freakin' strong I truly am. However, I wouldn't be true to myself though, if I didn't feel and express what I needed to, which are lately anger and blame. Not a lot, but just enough to need to vent.

The blame, well, I still feel somewhat responsible for my miscarriage, like I did something wrong. I know it doesn't make sense but, I have come to learn that it is normal to feel this way. When my dad died, I was 12 years old and blamed myself too. It took me well into my adult years and my stubborn head to get that it was cancer not me.

The anger though is kind of a funny one. I'm angry, obviously about the miscarriage itself, but I am also angry with some family and friends. Ok, maybe disappointed or hurt is a better word. I don't really know how I expected others to take this news, but what I am so surprised at is how others have responded OR lack there of.

I understand everyone is busy, that everyone has their own life and their own families to worry about. I also get that infertility makes people uncomfortable and sometimes you may not know what to say. Not asking for pity, but you can ask how we're doing? You can acknowledge, that I was pregnant and then I wasn't and that it sucks. You can even email me or text me. It's that easy.

Yes, I realize I cannot control others and I shouldn't expect anything, ever and that I am not truly be angry at them, just angry.

Truth be told infertility and miscarriage can be a lonely place.

HOWEVER...Like I said earlier, I am doing well. Just needed to vent is all. And now that I have, I feel better.

Peace out.

A new chapter

Well, I survived mother's day. It wasn't too bad. Only a couple times did I have to hold back tears, but all in all it was a beautiful day. I'm glad it's over though.

Moving on...

Back when we were in year 2 of our fertility treatments, I decided I wanted to challenge myself and learn to run (hope to lose some weight along the way). And after running my first 10 k race, I was excited to turn it up a notch and train for a half marathon. However, I was advised otherwise. My RE and nurse said it was too intense for my body, and especially given that I had never done one before. So, I stopped. But clearly it wouldn't have mattered either way because all treatments failed regardless.

So here we are today, our fertility journey done and I'm like a lost puppy. For 4 years all I've known is fertility everything. I need to find myself again because I got lost. I admit, I probably should have found some balance, but I didn't. Mostly.

I am beginning a new journey though. Setting a new goal. Starting a new chapter. I am officially training for a half marathon. I am in different place mentally and I'm ready. I haven't been this excited about something in a long time. I know it's going to be tough, but in comparison to infertility, endometriosis and failed treatments, I will survive.

The race I am registered for is the Toronto waterfront half marathon. It's going to be amazing. The waterfront is beautiful and the energy at these large venues are always buzzing.

I can do this.

Superwoman

I almost made it this year to be included.

Today I dedicate this post to all the women struggling with infertility and loss.

Here's to all the amazing women with babies in their hearts and tiny angels in heaven.

We are brave. We are strong. We are courageous. We are more than a woman.

Live with that

Although it's only been 2 weeks since our miscarriage, it feels like forever ago. I suppose because it has been a long 4 years of living cycle to cycle that has finally come to an end. I am dealing trying to deal with my 'all over the place' emotions. I am scatter brained, self medicating and gaining weight on top of the weight that I gained with the hormones (that's my excuse). I am having vivid dreams of babies. Babies born with half a head or no brain (although I'm pretty sure that vision is courtesy of a Private Practice episode I recently watched). I hear babies crying and crying and crying, surrounding me and hearing it's my fault. Very disturbing. And of course, I can't forget the dream of miscarriages happening to pregnant women who hang around with me (although in reality I wouldn't be hanging around them anyway).

Lovely isn't it? I realize I am not the only woman to have experienced this. But it has happened. And like I said in my previous post, a miscarriage just never occurred to me. I've over analyzed everything from the moment we decided to start a family to the endometriosis diagnosis to the first visit to our fertility clinic to the last call I got from the nurse and everything in between. I have replayed each cycle we ever did, medicated, all our IUI's and our 1 and only IVF. I think about the way 2012 began, its perfect timing of everything and my word of the year.
Could I have done anything different? Should I have done anything different? Would it have even made a difference?

Probably not. Because of the way the universe works, I'm confident the outcome would've been the same. I get that. And that's what I need to keep reminding myself. There's a whole new world waiting for me, for us.

I will heal, I'm sure I will. It is this thought that breaks me the most though...

It is MY body that is not in baby making or keeping form, but my heart hurts most for the man I love, the man I am crazy about, who's body IS in baby making form.

Do you understand what I am saying?

Live with that.

I'm still here

Next week we have our followup appointment with our Doctor. She will explain or hopefully shed some light on what all just went down. I don't really know what I am expecting out of the appointment. Mostly closure I suppose. As I've mentioned in previous posts this was going to be our last fertility treatment of any kind. And it is. And I am good with that. It's been a long 4 years of doctor appointments, surgeries, procedures, cycles and everything fertility. For most of our married life, it's all we've known (our 5 year anniversary is in November). I'd like to be a newlywed again. Enjoy each other. Infertility has a way of tearing a couple apart or bringing them closer together. I am blessed that for us, it has brought us closer in ways that most other couples will never experience, except we lost the spontaneity. We will have fun getting that back though.

I also lost a bit of myself. What I mean is, I was so consumed by our cycles that, that's all I did. It's all I thought about. So now, with no monitoring of anything going on, I am left to my own vices. Scary, but as My Love put it, "This is a fresh start. Do whatever I want". He's such a smarty pants.

I will admit, in my mind as each cycle was coming to an end, it was either going to work and we'd have a baby in 9 months or it just wasn't. There was no grey. And even though, I knew I'd be considered high risk, a miscarriage NEVER entered my mind. Naive of me, I know. But it just didn't. And that's why I am struggling. I knew, as heartbroken as I would be a negative IVF cycle, is still a negative. I thought I had prepared myself for the worst. But I didn't.

However all that being said, I will allow myself to feel everything I need to feel and then move on. I am grateful for all that I do have. I will never forget or take advantage of that. I may never be the same person I was before infertility, but I will be a better one.

Endometriosis makes you strong. Infertility makes you courageous. Miscarriage makes you wise.

Dear Baby Beans

I realized something today, although it was rough,  I really was pregnant.  I still need to acknowledge that, even if it was just for a very short period of time. And maybe at 5 weeks, it wasn't quite a 'baby' yet, but the embryos were ours. A part of My Love and a part of me. So real to us.

Dear Baby Beans, 

It's ok that you couldn't stick around. Just know that we loved you and the very thought of you both. 

Please be our guardian Bean Angels now. 

Mommy & Daddy

xoxoxo

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