A Wonderful Mother

How do I share, without tears halting my voice, the raw emotion I feel about our difficult journey to a 'mini-me'? Recently,  I came across this poem that pretty much says it all...

 

A Wonderful Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children.
I know I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to.
I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.

I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
~Author Unknown

Hope

According to Wikipedia, Hope is defined as a belief  in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. In a religious context, it is not considered as a physical emotion but as a spiritual grace.
Hope is a beautiful and crazy concept. I love Hope. I believe in Hope. Hope keeps me going, even though I already know the answer I am seeking. Hope is my friend in a sometimes lonely world. In uncertainty, I am always certain of Hope.

I woke up yesterday morning and was feeling 'crampy'. So, on our way to the fertility clinic, I sort of knew what the outcome of my bloodwork was going to be. But I brought Hope with me. So silly. Later that afternoon, with a confirmed, negative pregnancy result, I threw Hope out the window. I bought a big bottle of wine and put our Christmas tree up. I feel so sad. I feel so angry. I feel so betrayed by my body.

Guess what? I woke up this morning only to find Hope waiting for me at my door. She always comes back!

My first post

Ok, so how long will it take me to figure out this whole blogging thing. It took me weeks to decide on which blog site I'd like to chose, days to name my blog, and an hour to decide on my blogs background. I wonder how long it will take me to write a blurb  for my 'about me' section.

This is gonna be fun!!!!