Denial.

Infertility makes people uncomfortable. Mostly the people we love. I understand this.

I get that sometimes you don't know what to say. That's OK. You don't have to say much.

Really.

Just listen while I cry nonsense. Just hug me while I crumble.

*****

I started a second job just over a month ago. Part time, as I am able to work it around my first job and yesterday was a tough day. I felt like I was surrounded by pregnant women. Only pregnant women. I heard some stories about ankles being swollen. About all the excitement of having your first child. About plans on timing baby number 2. And as each minute passed I felt myself fading. I knew what would be coming next. I just needed to keep it together for a couple more hours. In order to maintain composure, I tried making random conversations. But while my eyes started to welt up talking about how hot the weather has been, I pretended I was just that much more focused on work. I'm sure it appeared strange, but whatever. I'm pretty sure I also ignored one very pregnant lady asking me a question.

And while I was so focused on the task at hand, my throat started to hurt. You know, when your heart says it can't take it anymore and begins the move to your eyes via the throat. I didn't allow it to get to that point though, which is very impressive for me. How I managed that I am not sure. I did feel a bit shaky, my heart was pounding and my stomach was hurting pretty bad.

But once I left, once I shut the door to the building it was another story. I broke. Raw emotion took over. I wasn't surprised it was that bad because since Monday's appointment I've been a bit numb.

The only thing that went though my mind all evening and all night while I lay in my bed awake was, 'Is this for real? Is all this really happening? Is it possible that we may never have a baby?'

It has been 3 years of trying. So, I know it sounds a bit odd that I may be questioning it now...but it just felt different. It felt like something hit me with a ton of bricks.

Have I been in denial this whole time?

Or was it that someone suggested I should accept that it's just the way it is.

Or maybe it's both.