We are going to a Halloween party Friday night. There's going to be costumes, prizes, games, music, raffles, family, friends and fun!
I think I've only ever been to one other costume party before, so I'm excited to dressed up. But this isn't justanyHalloween party. It's a fundraiser too. What a great idea don't ya think?
And what is the fundraiser for you ask?
It's for a couple who dreams of becoming parents and have been struggling for way too long.
It's an IVF fundraiser for My Love and I...(as if you couldn't figure that out).
I know. A.Maz.Ing.
We are so lucky. Blessed. Honoured. Loved. Thankful. Humbled. Excited.
I'm pretty sure we have the best family and friends ever!
Yes that's right. This girl is 37. Really. I know. Hard to believe. I don't look my age. I don't act my age. I don't feel my age. But I am 37 years old today.
Not gonna embrace the number. Not gonna like it. Just gonna deal with it. Why? Because 37 years of age in the world of fertility is old. All my 'odds' and 'statistics' for having a baby just dropped like a bazillion %...(ok maybe 5 or 10%).
But whatever. Moving on. I've never been a number's girl so why should I start now. Right?
What I would like to do for my birthday is to celebrate my family, My Love and my friends.
So, I propose a birthday toast...
Thank you for putting up with all my anxious ways. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for accepting me just the way I am.
Cheers!
And finally, if there is anything I have learned in my 37 years, it is this...
My summer indulgences and my lazy ways...have found their way to my butt, belly and boobs. I have no excuse really. When I'm happy I eat. When I'm sad I eat. Both are usually accompanied with a glass of wine or 2 (ok sometimes 3).
If I don't catch it now the 10 pounds will become 20 pounds and you know how the rest goes. With Thanksgiving and Christmas just months away it can easily happen!
But it's not just about the weight loss and trying to look good...it's about being healthy...mind, body and soul.
And since I have IVF in the plans I better smarten up and focus.
On Friday, September 9 at approximatey 10:48 p.m. while I was out at a wedding celebrating L.O.V.E. my nephew was entering the world.
He is so tiny weighing in at 6 pounds 2 ounces with a full head of hair, he is perfect. He looks just like his big sister did when she was born.
And the weekend festivities continued with a birthday outing on Saturday to Toys R Us followed by a Chuck E Cheese party on Sunday. All this for the new big sister who's birthday fell on September 10th.
Mom and dad are doing well. Having to have a c-section, they were only dischared from the hospital yesterday.
What a very busy few days we've had...celebrating life and love.
It's been a hot and busy summer. August is coming to an end. The daylight is getting shorter. The mornings and evenings are full of cool, crisp, freshness....my favourite. I can feel the anxiety of all the back to schoolers and smell the excitement of all the parents who have back to schoolers.
I love fall. And similar to the start of a new year, it reminds me to turn over a new leaf (teehee, I couldn't help that). The final four months of the year are truly about giving thanks. Being grateful. And giving love. In any way and every way to all. It reminds the people who forget to be this way. And fulfils the ones who truly are this way. At least thats how I see it.
But with every season change I am reminded of how fast time goes by. Playing the "this time next year game" isn't as fun as it used to be. So, it only makes sense that I have been making a genuine effort to live in the present. Trying to appreciate and be thankful for all that is... right now...in this moment. This is not an easy task, but one that I have been fortunate to have guidance and direction with from an amazing woman whom I admire and adore.
Last night we went to our IVF info session. There were so many couples. And for the first time, we were in a room full of people who all felt the exact same as we did. Anxiety. Excitement. Fear. Hope. I took comfort in that.
The session lasted about 2 hours. It was information overload and we were exhausted by the time we got home. It brought up more scenarios for My Love and I to discuss on the drive home...again. Do we freeze eggs? Do we do ICSI? Do we need assisted hatching? Of course, all this was so new and so much to take in.
The stats were clear...confirming I am no Spring chicken...which isn't a surprise with a question like do we need assisted hatching? However, better than originally thought!
Also confirming that endometriosis sucks! Bringing the odds down a bit. However, if timed immediately after surgery that will make all the difference!
We have a direction. We have a goal. We have a timeline. We have a plan A. We have a plan B.
Most importantly....we will always have each other.
A change is gonna come. Actually, a change has gotta come.
My Love and I decided that yes. For sure. We are on the road to IVF. I wrote this a couple weeks ago about being unsure. But we are sure. We know what we will do before, during and after IVF. That feels good.
We realize this road is not going to be an easy one, but until we reach our destination, I have a feeling I will be learning a few much needed lessons along the way. I already feel the changes happening. In my heart. In my mind.
It's not a secret that IVF is a whole lotta money. Also, not a secret, we don't have it (don't know many people who do).
But what's amazing is we are surrounded by people who want to help. And help sooooooo much. My beautiful friend has been hosting IVF fundraising garage sales . Well, garage sale #2 will be this weekend. How'd it happen so quickly? With a well written email sent from my sisters and friend (I love you ladies!), we have managed to receive donations of stuff. Good stuff. New stuff. Toys, furniture, household items...you get the picture.
And the donations keep pouring in...so much so we will be having garage sale #3 at one of my sister's houses next weekend. Donations from family, friends, friends of friends, their co workers, complete strangers, neighbours and even the bank teller who asked what all the coins were for.
I'm overwhelmed by the kindness. support. love. by people.
I have always thought that some people are kind. But most people not so much.
However, now I see that it's quite the opposite.
Perhaps I only acknowledge the rude people because I am in awe at how they could be that way.
But that doesn't make sense. That's wasted energy. Pay no mind to them.
Acknowledge kindness. Be aware of the positive people.
Infertility makes people uncomfortable. Mostly the people we love. I understand this.
I get that sometimes you don't know what to say. That's OK. You don't have to say much.
Really.
Just listen while I cry nonsense. Just hug me while I crumble.
*****
I started a second job just over a month ago. Part time, as I am able to work it around my first job and yesterday was a tough day. I felt like I was surrounded by pregnant women. Only pregnant women. I heard some stories about ankles being swollen. About all the excitement of having your first child. About plans on timing baby number 2. And as each minute passed I felt myself fading. I knew what would be coming next. I just needed to keep it together for a couple more hours. In order to maintain composure, I tried making random conversations. But while my eyes started to welt up talking about how hot the weather has been, I pretended I was just that much more focused on work. I'm sure it appeared strange, but whatever. I'm pretty sure I also ignored one very pregnant lady asking me a question.
And while I was so focused on the task at hand, my throat started to hurt. You know, when your heart says it can't take it anymore and begins the move to your eyes via the throat. I didn't allow it to get to that point though, which is very impressive for me. How I managed that I am not sure. I did feel a bit shaky, my heart was pounding and my stomach was hurting pretty bad.
But once I left, once I shut the door to the building it was another story. I broke. Raw emotion took over. I wasn't surprised it was that bad because since Monday's appointment I've been a bit numb.
The only thing that went though my mind all evening and all night while I lay in my bed awake was, 'Is this for real? Is all this really happening? Is it possible that we may never have a baby?'
It has been 3 years of trying. So, I know it sounds a bit odd that I may be questioning it now...but it just felt different. It felt like something hit me with a ton of bricks.
Have I been in denial this whole time?
Or was it that someone suggested I should accept that it's just the way it is.
That's what our RE says to have for a single IVF cycle. We may or may not need the full amount but be prepared for it.
Age 36-40.
That's when the success rate of carrying a full term IVF baby declines.
Laproscopic surgery #2.
That's what I will be doing sometime this year as my endometriosis has returned. With what seems like a vengeance.
Difficult and timely decisions.
That's what My Love and I are faced with. Challenged with. Confused about.
A lot to take in all at once. Needless to say the drive home from the appointment yesterday wasn't a dull one. What do we do? You would think it was a no brainer right? Maybe. But the decision isn't as easy as one would think. Well, it's not for us anyway. It isn't as simple as we thought it would be.
There are a couple other factors that we need to take into consideration.
We played devil's advocate for the rest of the evening. Becoming more and more confused. Breaking a bit with each passing scenario. Feeling even more anxiety with every beat of my heart.
Time is of the essence.
Whatever My Love and I decide on, we know this will be the biggest defining moment of our lives.
"It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped."
About a month ago, I wrote about some funny business and yesterday was the first part of the nerve assessment test. It was really more of an in depth consultation. I was asked a million questions and then hit with a medical mallet of some sort on what must have been every part of my body. The whole time the doctor told me to pretend I'm not here....Really? OK. Let me just look out the window while you beat me.
A little dramatic? I know. But I'm secretly freaking out while trying to appear calm. Since we don't know what it is yet, I'll try not to get carried away. I mean c'mon, I've been dealing with infertility and endometriosis for what seems like forever, so this should be a walk in the park. Right?
I hope.
Anyway, part 2 will take place on Monday. I will be having an EMG- electromyography test. The secretary gave me an information sheet which read:
"EMG is a diagnostic test carried out on nerves and muscles. Electrodes are attached to the arm or leg and an electrical pulse is delivered to the nerve. The speed of the nerve function is then measured. Other electrodes will record the activity of the muscle and the technologist is then able to listen to certain sounds in the muscle. Small pin pricks will be felt with this part of the procedure. The electrical pulses and pin pricks are minimal. There is no special preparation for this test and no after effects"
And after reading it myself, my natural instinct was to ask, "Will it hurt? and how long is this test?"
The answer, "Well, it's just going to be a little uncomfortable and be prepared to be here for an hour."
Wow. Ok. I've heard the 'a little uncomfortable' speech before and I know what it means.
It means yes it will hurt... of course it will hurt...absolutely will hurt the whole hour.
We made an appointment with our RE. We are currently not cycling, but need to discuss further treatment, plans and my endometriosis that is freaking me out. I feel it getting worse. And I'm scared. I know another surgery will be in my future. What scares me is how much worse it actually is.
I'm going to post my endo story another time, but until then...
Google, My Love and I have been talking and thinking, searching and discussing. And even though I wrote this post about our revised plans, we have revised our revised plans...hence the RE appointment.
I'm sorry that I made a promise I couldn't keep. I know I said you would have a wonderful father to join in the celebration this year, but I was wrong. We did everything we could between last year and this year, but nothing worked. No miracle happened.
It wasn't for the lack of trying, it just didn't happen. I don't know why. Do you?
I know My Love will be an amazing daddy and I know he so desperately wants to be one. He is a good man. While I am falling apart he is trying to pick up the pieces. He thinks I don't know he is hurting, but I do. He thinks I can't see the sadness in his eyes, but I can. He thinks he has to be strong ALL THE TIME, but he doesn't.
So please father's day, embrace My Love with the confidence and hope that he will be a wonderful father some day and remind him that I love him with everything that I am. And let him know that there is a baby somewhere in this universe waiting to say 'happy father's day' to him.
I haven't really spoken much about it. Probably because I feel I complain so much about everything else. But since this is my safe place, I might as well.
For the pass few months there has been some funny business going on in my body. I'm not talking about the usual endometriosis type of funny business, I mean something new.
I've been experiencing numbness, tingling and weakness with both my arms, hands and feet. I also get random tingling that happens in the middle of my back. Strange right? And not so funny.
At first I thought it was all in my head (well, My Love sometimes calls me a hypochondriac), but once the funny business kept occurring more frequently, I knew it was time to check it out.
I've seen a neurologist, who has since arranged for a nerve conduction test. This will happen in July.
I've been thinking lately about many of my previous posts. It is clear that I am pretty down in the dumps. Sad. Lost.
What is not clear to the world and possibly the people in my world, is how fortunate I am to have the people I have in my life. How thankful I am for them. How much I love them.
And even though I tend to be a bit of a 'keep to myself' kinda gal, there are people who have come to realize this and love me anyway. I call these people true friends. Thank you true friends.
And even though I may be alittle very emotional, a bit snappy and appear uninterested, there is someone who loves me unconditionally. I call him My Love. Thank you My Love.
And even though I may talk and ramble about the same things while not making any sense and appear withdrawn, there are ladies that will always be on my side and listen. I call them my sisters and my mom. Thank you sisters and mom.
So even though I seem a bit lot like Eeyore and his cloud
I'm having one of those blah kind of days. I'm sure the weather doesn't help either. Or that I'm stupid tired from a long week of getting up at 4:30 every morning.
Or just blah because I'm just blah.
I dunno. I feel stuck. Like I cannot move forward in any aspect of my life. I feel that there has to be more. More quality to my day. More that I should be doing with my life. More focus. More motivation. More fulfillment.
It's like I'm going through the motions but I'm not really here.
Goals? I need them! I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure I really know how to begin.
I know that if we weren't able to have a baby, it wouldn't be the end of the world. But it just sort of feels like that sometimes.
