Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The game

I haven't played in a while. And I was hoping that the game would never come up again. But it did this past weekend, and I struggled.

The game I am speaking about is, the "this time next year" game. We had our annual community garage sale on Saturday. My Love and I always try to make a point of going for a walk, just because (well, he amuses me and comes along). We didn't this year though. The weather wasn't the greatest and I just wasn't into it.

Saturday, as I slowly drove down the packed street to get on wth my day, I watched as the new families with babies in strollers and the pregnant women walked around scouring baby item deals. I'm sure there were others too, but I didn't see anyone else.

I cried, because it is "this time next year"....again...and again...and again. I didn't expect it would take my breath away like it did. But it did. And I am sort of surprised. Or not really. I feel like I am dealing just fine. Although my dealing may be more like pushing down my feelings, something I don't usually do. Or maybe this is just how it's going to be, random attacks of breathlessness. Or randomly feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. Or random pieces of my heart breaking.

I don't fucking know.

What I do know is that it has only been a month and a half since our miscarriage. A month and a half since we called it quits on any more fertility treatments.

So yeah...I'm dealing...the best way I know how.