Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Dear Baby Beans

I realized something today, although it was rough,  I really was pregnant.  I still need to acknowledge that, even if it was just for a very short period of time. And maybe at 5 weeks, it wasn't quite a 'baby' yet, but the embryos were ours. A part of My Love and a part of me. So real to us.

Dear Baby Beans, 

It's ok that you couldn't stick around. Just know that we loved you and the very thought of you both. 
Please be our guardian Bean Angels now. 

Mommy & Daddy

Thursday, April 19, 2012

It's over

And just like that it's over.

My beta yesterday went down to 39.

At 5 weeks, I had a miscarriage.

After 4 years of infertility, I am raw.

I have been defeated.

I am done.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Beta #4

It's the name of my blog. The reason I began this blog.

THIS is THE defining moment of all moments.

The nurse said to me today, she didn't want to give me false hope. That I need to be prepared for Wednesday's beta because it is not looking good. This took my breath away.

Today's beta did not double. It barely went up. From 127 to 143.

So, it's either almost all over OR we will all be witness to a miracle.

I'm exhausted.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Beta #3

I was surprised. Shocked actually. My third beta was 127. This is good. It's getting better. But I just can't seem to shake this disbelief. I don't know if it's all the shitty symptoms I have that don't really coincide with a healthy pregnancy. The bleeding still. The pain still. Or that 4 years of infertility has done some serious damage. I can't seem to get excited, at least not yet. Even the nurse said to me yesterday to keep taking it one day at a time.
I will return tomorrow morning for beta test #4. What I am really holding out for now is the ultrasound. The ultrasound to me is even scarier than the initial pregnancy test. It's really a viability test. Will there be a heartbeat? That's all I keep thinking. I was told that this will happen around 6 weeks BUT my hcg level needs to be in the 1000's first. So, again we wait. 
Anyway, we went to see The Hunger Games last night. I Loved it. Every minute of it. And as I watched the movie, I couldn't help but relate a couple quotes to infertility (I know, but that's what I do).
So, I will leave you with these:

"Hope is the only thing stronger than fear" & of course,
"May the odds be ever be in your favour"

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Fingers crossed

Here's a quick update and then it's back to the couch for me.

Good news is my hcg level has more than doubled. It is now at 46. Yay!!

Scary news is I am still in so much pain and bleeding tons. We are not sure why and it's too early for an ultrasound.

So, it is still a wait and see 'til my next blood test on Saturday morning. But it's looking better.

I just want to get excited, but can't do it just yet.

Please stick baby! Please stick!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

A second line

Just when you think it's all over...It's not.

Today I am 9dp5dt. I woke up this morning in pain. My lower back was hurting, cramps were stabbing and yes there was still blood. But, since I am officially obsessed with hpts and I still have 2 more, I figured I might as well take one, don't want them to go to waste.

And there it was. A second line. A pale second line. A positive test. WTF right? I thought I was seeing things, I mean none of this makes sense. I feel like I am going crazy.

I called the clinic and they told me to come in right away to test. Of course, with the symptoms I am having, they are afraid of an early miscarriage.

My blood work results show a positive, but a very low beta hcg level of 17. Not such a great number. This number now has to continue to double every 48 hours. I will return Thursday morning for another blood test.

Not sure how to feel. But the ride continues.


Monday, April 9, 2012


Happy birthday My Love.

Today we celebrate you. The wonderful you that you are. The you I could not live without. The you that loves me unconditionally. The you that I will grow old with. The hilarious you I adore. The strong you I admire.

Because today nothing else matters but you.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

What a joke

We are taking in our computer to be repaired today. We haven't had much luck with them in the past year but that's another story. I'm not sure when we will have it back to give you my updates and IVF status.

But I will leave you with this for now...

It is 6dp5dt.

My beta test is Wednesday, 10dp5dt.

Yesterday morning I felt a bit of cramping.

This morning I woke up to blood.

I am pretty sure this is the beginning of the end.

I caved and bought tons of home pregnancy tests...

Because HOPE told me to do so.

So there I was this morning buying pads, pantyliner and pregnancy tests.

What a joke.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

symptoms or progesterone?

Last night getting ready for bed, there it was again. Blood. Whatever. At least there wasn't any this morning. I am going in today for blood work. Just routine progesterone check, and you can bet I will be harassing the nurse about my bleeding. Although I know what she will say. I may even ask her what the grades were of our 2 embryos we transferred. I never did ask on Sunday, too nervous for details.

So at 4dp5dt I am stupid tired. Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep is taking a toll on me. I know you may say it's a preg symptom but I had this in past cycles as well (and sleeping has never been my forte).

I am also a bit nauseous. Now this too could be a side effect of the progesterone overload I am on. At 3 suppositories per day up my vah jay jay, ya that's a lot. Or could be a preg symptom.

My boobs are so sore. Like if you hug me, I may punch you. Symptom? Or like previously experienced progesterone side effect?

What else can I say? At this point, even with bleeding I hold a glimmer of hope. And why not right?

It ain't over til the fat lady sings...maybe I'll be the fat lady... in 9 months


Wednesday, April 4, 2012


So, I've been pretty good since the embryo transfer. Not overly obsessing every feeling I get. I haven't been google-ing all day on what my symptoms should be at any given point. Which is really good for me.

That all stopped this morning.

*warning tmi ahead* kinda.

I woke up this morning and there was blood. Not the brown kind, but the pinky red kind. Not a little bit, but quite a bit. It really didn't last too long, but I have been spotting and cramping on and off since Monday.

So, according to Dr.Google this could be implantation bleeding. Which would make it right on track with my handy dandy chart. At this point the embryo is attaching deeper into the uterine lining. Which would lead to a BFP.

But according to my past treatments this is also right on track. I spotted. A lot. And often. I cramped with low back pain too. Which lead to BFN.

I guess this is just another hurry up and wait moment that infertility is so infamous for. Cruel.

Crap, I could totally use a glass a wine right now. But I can't. Also cruel.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Some ramblings

Today is my second day post 5 day transfer or 2dp5dt. Not that I'm counting.

I have managed to keep busy, but not over exert myself. My Love has been amazing!! Doing everything and getting whatever it is I want or need. Best husband ever.

I have found this chart which gives us the daily embryo development. It's pretty cool and is posted on our fridge of course.

I still haven't decided if I'm going to POAS (pee on a stick) before the blood test.

Today I watched a few episodes of  'A Baby Story'. Not sure if it was a good idea. Seeing the women in labour made me want to puke. In one of the stories, it was the couples second IVF and they were having triplets. Yikes! That was a bit much.

Also, I've decided I'd like to paint our kitchen, family room and hallway. Soon, not now obviously. So, looking for ideas.

Thats all for now.

Back to my book.

Monday, April 2, 2012

2 beautiful embryos

Yesterday we transferred 2 beautiful embryos.The actual procedure took all of 7 minutes, if that, but it was one of the most intense and amazing 7 minutes of my life. It was so very formal and our embryologist repeatedly confirmed our embryos belong to us. He stood there from behind a pass through window and waited to pass our embryos to the nurse who would then pass them to our doctor.

The embryologist reminded me of the wizard from The Wizard of Oz. From behind the curtain, he worked his magic. And magic it was.

We all watched on the ultrasound screen as the catheter was inserted into my uterus. Then we all watched as the embryos made their way through the catheter and were released into my uterus. 1 and then 2. The whole room cheered! Yes actually cheered. They cheered, I cried. Our doctor said it was perfect.

And it was perfect. We stayed for another 30 minutes. Once we were able to leave we decided on a different route home. Not planned, but I realized this would take us right pass the cemetery where my dad's buried. We stopped briefly as it just felt so right to do so. I know my dad is watching as the events of our fertility journey unfold.

I feel him with the rest of my angels, hugging me, guiding me, loving me.

Now the waiting begins. Again.

And I just got the call that our third embryo didn't make it.

Nothing to freeze.