Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Well, maybe a few days late. It always amazes me on how fast the holidays fly by. So much planning, cooking, baking and eating (my personal favourite), although I am crazy about wrapping presents too.
I always hear that Christmas is for the kids and yes it is, the Santa part is. But isn't giving fun for adults?
I love to give!! From gifts to spending time to acts of kindness to all the cheesiness....I love it! And of course, who couldn't use a little dose of 'Buddy the Elf'?

For this brief moment in time everything sparkles, people smile and the world is buzzing.
Ok, maybe my world is buzzing and sparkling. I need it to just for a little while. I choose to take this festive time and appreciate what I have, be thankful for my family and friends and remember those who are no longer around (I miss you dad).

I want to hold on to this sparkle for dear life and bring it with me into the new year.

Time

I remember thinking how excited I was last year that this time next year we would be a family of 3, or at least on our way.

Well, it's next year. My heart hurts. Really? How much more can one person take. When I take a look back  it's all a big blur. Our quest for baby really started over 2 years ago. From doctor to doctor, tests to procedures, medication to surgeries, clinics to hospitals. It has been a road I never thought I'd have to travel. I've been consumed by fertility, a cold and lonely world. I think I'm all Googled out.

Maybe I haven't treated my body kind. Didn't eat the right foods, too much caffeine, not enough water, too much wine. Maybe I didn't exercise enough or not enough vitamins. I could've been a better person. I should've worked harder and smarter. Blah!Blah! Blah! I'm tired of thinking.

I'm sad. With all the chaos happening in my mind, I forgot to enjoy and appreciate all the love and the little things over these passed couple years. I love the little things. I miss my husband, not my sperm donor.

I can't get those years back. Time is such an evil mistress. Bitch.

What am I going to do? Time for a new approach. Let me think about it.

Peace

My new BFF

We are on a 'break' from our cycle monitoring at the fertility clinic. A forced 'break', as the clinic is closing for a couple weeks over the holidays, but a much needed  'break' for my sanity. 

I know the clinic does not officially close until the 17th. So, I will keep calling the lovely and wonderful nurse with all my new questions until then. I don't call everyday with one question! That would crazy! I prefer to call just once or twice a week with many questions. See? Not so crazy, just more productive.

You may be wondering how I come up with all these questions? Simple. I have a new BFF. She knows everything. You may also know her. Her name is The Internet.

One of the greatest things, I have learned from the Internet, is there are so many women who are going through the torture of infertility. And as I spend the whole day scouring for more questions to ask, looking for clues as to why, I find some comfort to know that I am truly not alone on this journey.
When I say "I", I don't discredit my husband's sadness or his frustration or my supportive family and friends. It's just a bit different when it's your own body not doing what you want it to do. It's Me versus Me. Imagine that battle, if you will.

So, what I found in my new BFF is a sort of Silent Sorority (which is also the name of a book I came across).

Just thinking

How do you stay focused? Stay on track? What drives you? What keeps you going, when you feel you have nothing left to give? What gets you out of bed in the morning? What allows you to fall asleep at night?What's your definition of success? How do you measure success? How do you live in the moment and forget the past? What's your sunshine on a cloudy day? Who's your star in the night? How do you stay calm and carry on? Do you care what others think? Can you forgive and forget? Is the glass half empty or half full?

How do I turn my mind off?

Sorry World

Sorry world, but I don't like you. There, I said it!
I have tried so hard not to be angry, resentful and sad. I always said to myself, "I'm not going to be one of those women" who cry when they see a pregnant lady or a newborn pass them by in the grocery store. However, it became official today in Walmart! I became what I didn't want to become! Right there in the soup aisle, I shed a tear. Really? How did this happen? It's not suppose to be this way? I am a good person. I'm nice, I hold the door for others, I return my cart to where I got it from, I TRY to see the good in others. I donate when I can.
I understand us not getting pregnant is beyond our control....
But Sorry world, I hate you!

A Wonderful Mother

How do I share, without tears halting my voice, the raw emotion I feel about our difficult journey to a 'mini-me'? Recently,  I came across this poem that pretty much says it all...

 

A Wonderful Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children.
I know I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to.
I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.

I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
~Author Unknown

Hope

According to Wikipedia, Hope is defined as a belief  in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. In a religious context, it is not considered as a physical emotion but as a spiritual grace.
Hope is a beautiful and crazy concept. I love Hope. I believe in Hope. Hope keeps me going, even though I already know the answer I am seeking. Hope is my friend in a sometimes lonely world. In uncertainty, I am always certain of Hope.

I woke up yesterday morning and was feeling 'crampy'. So, on our way to the fertility clinic, I sort of knew what the outcome of my bloodwork was going to be. But I brought Hope with me. So silly. Later that afternoon, with a confirmed, negative pregnancy result, I threw Hope out the window. I bought a big bottle of wine and put our Christmas tree up. I feel so sad. I feel so angry. I feel so betrayed by my body.

Guess what? I woke up this morning only to find Hope waiting for me at my door. She always comes back!

My first post

Ok, so how long will it take me to figure out this whole blogging thing. It took me weeks to decide on which blog site I'd like to chose, days to name my blog, and an hour to decide on my blogs background. I wonder how long it will take me to write a blurb  for my 'about me' section.

This is gonna be fun!!!!