Saturday, April 30, 2011

A Broken Hallelujah


1. Having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order.
2. Rejected, defeated, or despairing.

1. An expression of worship or rejoicing.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Cancelled cycle and Ticking clock

As I drove back to the clinic yesterday morning I felt so anxious. Excited. Scared. Most importantly hopeful again.

We will be moving on to more aggressive treatments by adding injectable hormones into the equation. So, this cycle was like starting fresh. Kinda. Pretty exciting, eh? As exciting as hormones can be.

Getting my blood work done, I made some nervous conversation. Having my ultrasound done....ouch! That was weird. Mr. ultrasound wand sorta hurt.

The wonderful nurse called me in for my results, took a deep breath and said, "ok, you have a fair sized cyst...". I knew exactly what side she was talking about as I have been uncomfortable for weeks now. That's all I heard because I was sobbing like a little girl.

This cycle is now cancelled until the cyst goes away. Who knows how long it will take. Maybe a month. Maybe 2. We will see if it will go away on its own. At least I didn't have to go on birth control pills, which is common to suppress the growth of cysts...I think.

So in the meantime, while we wait for this cyst to go away, my lovely endometriomas continue to grow... oh and I think I hear my clock ticking too.


I'm scared. I'm really sad. I'm a bit of a mess.

Monday, April 25, 2011

The results are in


Today I will throw hope out the window for breaking my heart... 
Today I will only eat chocolate... 
Today I will only drink wine...

Tomorrow hope will fix my heart again...


Thursday, April 21, 2011

A Rabbit in that Hat

I woke up this morning feeling crampy!
Not crampy like grumpy!
Crampy like Aunt Flo, period-like, please say it ain't so crampy!

And of course because I had to have 2 trigger injections, I need to wait a bit longer before we can test.

As I had a mini freak out this morning, My Love so calmly reminded me that there is still a blood test to take. He also reminded me, as he usually does, there are some things we have no control over and as long as I did my best to stay healthy and positive I did my part.
As you can see he is the calmer more rational one in our relationship.

I received an email from a friend yesterday. She is a fabulous woman.

On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know... 
Sometimes all God wants you to do is to "get the ball rolling." Then, She'll take it from there. So when things turn out other than the way you wanted them to, don't be so quick to say, "Bummer!" Many a Bummer is a Blessing in disguise. Consider the possibility that life is magic...and that there's a rabbit in that hat.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Stay off the computer

I've had a busy few days. This morning was my progesterone blood work check at the clinic. I worked Saturday and spent Sunday at my moms and yesterday was a sort of spring cleaning do whatever I want day (I had the day off).

I did however manage to get in some google-ing time on Friday! Earlier than originally thought, but I broke down.  Totally justified though. I wasn't feeling well and I had severe lower back pains and not to mention (warning too much information ahead), some spotting...lots of spotting. But when it got worst on Saturday morning, I upgraded to a phone call to the clinic.

The nurse gave me a couple scenarios on what it could possibly be and told me I needed to relax and keep my feet up. More importantly, STAY OFF THE COMPUTER!!!

What? Stay off the computer? Whatever shall I do? Hmmmm...go to Chapters (I know that's not  exactly staying off my feet)!

No I'm not completely crazy, just a little bit. I didn't go to scope out books on babies or pregnancy stuff, I went to become further acquainted with the gluten free world. It's been about 3 weeks since I've eliminated, or am doing my best to eliminate, gluten. It's tough, but I feel great. Why didn't I do this sooner. I am no longer doubled over in agony like I usually am after every meal.
Not to mention I've lost 5 pounds that somehow followed me home a few months ago.

So, I grabbed a couple books and yes, I am relaxed as one can be during this 2 1 week wait...

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

2 week wait

This cycle has been crazy! It was touch and go for a while with a couple things to keep an eye on, we weren't sure we would be able to have our IUI procedures! But linings thickened and follicles grew and I am officially into the 2 week wait.

The 2 week wait is agonizing! It's the longest 2 weeks ever! I will begin my google-ing early pregnancy symptoms probably on the weekend. It won't matter if I really have any symptoms or not because my heart will tell me I do...and how can I forget the extra progesterone I will be taking that often mimic pregnancy symptoms too. Pretty cruel, eh?

So, what shall I do to keep myself busy?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Mrs. Familiar Face

Yesterday was CD (cycle day) 10. As I drove over to the clinic, I found myself, reminded myself to stay positive, which I constantly need to be aware of. I gave my follicles a pep talk and explained to them they needed to grow and if they did grow, they'd have a big surprise waiting for them when they matured. Please and thank you.

As I sat there waiting for my turn, I saw no familiar faces. I wanted to see other patients I recognized that have been there just as long as I have. Was that mean? Maybe.

And then a familiar face! I felt relieved and sad at the same time that maybe she was thinking and feeling the same as I was. No eye contact was made, but as she got up for her turn I noticed she had A BUMP. OMG! Was she pregnant? A rush of emotions came over me. I wanted to give her a great big hug and fall to the floor at the same time. It was her turn! Congratulation Mrs. Familiar Face!

As I sat there waiting for my turn again (because that's what you do, it's like an assembly line of sorts) I swear I heard my follicles tell me," Stay focused because it's gonna be our turn soon too".

Sunday, April 3, 2011

April showers bring May flowers

This past week in review...

my naturapathic dr. consult got rescheduled ...AF (aunt flo a.k.a period) arrived, and like a cycling junkie (not to be mistaken for bicycling junkie like My Love), I decided I NEEDED to get back to it.

Yup, that's right I couldn't stay away any longer and am officially cycling again. After an almost four month break, I received such a warm welcome back from the staff at the fertility clinic. Sure I'm all warm and fuzzy that I was missed, but I mean business and am ready to be pocked and prodded once again.

After a mini catch up with the nurse, she reminds me that Dr.C likes to do three of the same procedures before moving on to more aggressive (unless of course I want to). Alrighty then, IUI #3 it is!  EXCEPT this cycle's equation will look more like this...

 letrozole + trigger + back to back IUI + progesterone = BABY

My ultrasound found a cyst (no biggie so far) and we have decided to have My Love have another analysis done since it's been a year and a half since his last check (which was found to be slightly below normal).

So as the hormones are's hoping April showers bring May flowers.