Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Git 'R Done

Hard to believe just last Thursday I was on my way to pre-admin for surgery the next day.

Also hard to believe I'm still pretty sore AND I've managed to schedule our IVF protocol and psychologist appointment (a required evaluation for any couple choosing IVF...hope we pass...teehee) for Wednesday.

That's right for To.Morr.Ow. Less than 1 week post laproscopic "endometriosis you suck" surgery. Although surgery was a better than imagined outcome. So take that endometriosis.

I mean business. Not wasting any time here. No more playing games.

I'm gonna keep the positive mojo flowing and the laws of attraction attracting.

Ummm actually, now that I think about it...can anyone shed some light on what to expect on this protocol appointment? Better yet...how about pointers on passing a psych evaluation.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

24 hours later

I'm here, 24 hours post surgery.

Yesterday was such a blur. Getting up at 4:00 a.m. to be at the hospital for check in at 6:30 a.m. for scheduled surgery at 8:45 a.m.

As My Love and I made our way to what is called "The Urban Angel" hospital, tears just kept streaming down my face. I wasn't sobbing. Just crying. It was me releasing the best way my body and heart knew how to. We drove in silence hand in hand. I was scared. But once we got there an overwhelming sensation of calmness took over. Literally. After having my blood pressure and heartbeat taken, the doctor commented, "for someone who is about to go into surgery your resting heartbeat is really low, you must be calm."

Ok for those of you who actually know me, calm is not the first word that is often used to describe me.

My Love just figured it was me accepting whatever the end result was going to be. And of course, that this surgery was going to be done and over with soon enough.

And it was. And it was amazing news. It was news I didn't expect to hear. The doctor came to see us and as she had put it, she's never really seen anything like it. "Everything looks pristine. It's as if the endometriosis has stopped growing. Only a few spots on your ovaries, which I removed. The bladder and bowel still look the same as before, so no new growth. A sample was taken for biopsy, which is normal. This is great news. I'll see you in 6 weeks".

What? What did she say? I was still pretty groggy and tired from the anaesthetic. So I had it repeated to me over and over and over again. The whole ride home and then this morning too. Could it be that IVF is truly our next step?

Yes. It. Is.

First thing Monday morning, I will call to make our IVF protocol appointment.

And as I'm sitting here writing this, a flashback of a tattoo one of the nurses had on his wrist comes to mind.


And then a song I couldn't get out of my head yesterday.

And it's not just the painkillers talking.

Monday, January 23, 2012

The call

It's been quite an interesting week to say the least.

I received my results, prescription and diet suggestions from my naturopath. And she has discovered another piece to my ever growing infertility puzzle. As it turns out, I have a pituitary PCOS variant. Polycystic ovarian syndrome is this. And if you recall or need a reminder of the whole pituitary gland scenario it's here.  I guess I never did share the results of it all but long story short.. "nothing to worry about" according to the neurologist and all my fancy schmancy dye tests I had to do.

But it would appear there is something to worry about or address. PCOS. So thanks to my wonderful naturopath, I will address it...and the endo...and the hypothyroidism...oh my...

Next on the agenda of interesting things....I got the call. THE call for surgery. Apparently, there was a cancellation and I was next on the list. January 27th is when I am scheduled. Such short notice right? But I'll take it!!
I'll take it because it means that I am that much closer to IVF. That much closer to our baby. I am having some mixed feelings. I am so excited. So scared. So everything. I have been playing the "what if" game in my head. Like what if the endometriosis is way worse and the Doctors need to remove my ovaries or fallopian tubes. I know. The "what if" game is stupid and never results in anything productive.

In my last post I told you my word of the year was believe. So, this is a great time to believe.

Believe. Believe. Believe.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Word of the Year

I may be a bit late to link up to this party but I am definitely in.

I'm talking about Word of the Year party over at The Lettered Cottage

When I first came across this idea of choosing one word, similar to a vision board or resolutions, there was only one word that came to mind.

A word that will help me focus. A word that I will repeat over and over and over again in my head. A word like no other word that will represent 2012. A word that will hug me when I'm in doubt. 

My word of the year is BELIEVE.

I will believe that anything is possible.
I will believe that things are exactly the way they are suppose to be.
I will believe I am stronger than ever.
I will believe in prayer.

And even when I think I can believe no more...

I will believe.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Still waiting

I've been very unmotivated to say the least. Kinda of in a funk. Which sucks, because being a brand new year you'd think no funk. But yes, funk. I have so much going on in my head that I would've figured I have that much more to write. But I don't. Well I do. Just for today anyway. For now.

I haven't even completed my goals list for 2012 or my vision board (something new I'm trying this year).

Still waiting on that magical call from the doctor for my surgery date. And when that call comes in I'll make my magical call to the fertility clinic and let them know it's on. IVF that is. Not sure how it all really works. The protocol. The timeline. The details. Until then, I'll wait.

While I'm waiting I'll try to stay focused and positive. Keep my eye on the prize. I've waited this long for my miracle, what's a bit longer.

(thanks stressfreeinfertilityblog for the reminder)

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

This will be our year

I missed writing a "Merry Christmas" post...because of this....so a late Merry Christmas to all. I hope your holidays were magical.

As we enter into a new year, I feel excited. This will be the year.

This will be the year we will do IVF.

This will be the year we will know if we will be parents.

This will be the year we will start living again.

Fertility has been our focus for over 3 now. It's exhausting. It feels like life has been put on hold. No denying the strain infertility puts on a relationship. My Love and I have grown closer in ways that most couples never will and the opposite is also true in some ways. We both agree enough is enough.
Sounds harsh, maybe, but waiting and waiting and waiting for something that you are not even sure will happen is also pretty harsh. Down right cruel. However, we've accepted that this is just the way God has planned it for us. And along this way we have changed and grown. Without infertility, I wouldn't be the person I am today. And I'm on my way to actually liking me. The me that I am evolving into. Learning to let go of things that are taking up too much space in my heart and soul. Learning to live in the present moment. I'm learning to be aware. I'm learning to accept. Learning lots. All this learning is a slow process but it's good.

I know it's not going to be so black and white. Easy peasy. It never is. But I want my life back. I want my husband back. I want to enjoy being in love and love just being.

So, 2012...I welcome you with open arms and an open heart because this will be our year.