A freak accident

There was a freak accident.

Everyone is fine. Nobody got hurt.

But our laptop is dead. I am currently writing this from work.

To make a long story short, it got drenched in WATER. Picture the wicked witch of the west in the Wizard Of Oz, you know the part where Dorothy accidentally throws water on her. "I'm melting, melting. Oh, what a world! What a world!" Yup. That's pretty much what happened.

Soooo, now what? Not sure how long we can go without. With My Love needing it for work and me just needing it, obsessively. I suppose we may need to hit up some boxing day sales.

But here's what's making me be a sucky baby...it wasn't any old laptop. It was a Macbook. And I loved her. Not sure if there will be another one in the near future (those beauties are not cheap).
I've been spoiled with having one (thank you Colleen).

(So Santa, if you happen to be reading this, do you think you may have some room left in that pretty red bag of yours for a computer or laptop? Maybe one that's white and has a picture of an apple on it? Thanks. xoxo)

Merry Christmas.

Santa announcement

BEST. HOLIDAY. MOVIE. EVER.

Picture this

Last night while I was busy making our condo festive, I realized something. This has become our tradition every year since My Love and I first moved in together. Since before we were even married.

Picture this:

I put up the tree. I sip wine. I decorate the tree. I sip wine. My Love tells me where there's a gap on the tree with no ornament while watching football. I sip wine. My love hangs his 3 favourite ornaments. Then back to football. I sip wine. I talk about changing the "theme" of our tree. My Love agrees and tells me he was thinking the same thing (while trying to keep a straight face). Back to football. I sip wine.

Ahhh, I love traditions. Let the festivities begin.

Cheers.

Happy 1st Blog-versary

Happy blog-versary (ok, maybe I'm a week late)!

Hard to believe one year has gone by since I discovered the world of blogging. I started blogging as a safe place. A place I can put my thoughts, feelings and experiences, rather than keeping everything inside. A place where I can be me. The real me. Where no one will judge. Where I just may inspire and comfort even one person like many have done for me. Little did I know that it would be a saving place. I quickly began to realize that I wasn't alone in the way I was feeling. Infertility sucked and there was a whole land of others who understood first hand. I felt not as alone and not so crazy.

During this past year, I have followed numerous journeys. IVF journeys. Adoption journeys. Even journeys that have involved loss. I've relished in the endometriosis success stories in hopes that mine will turn out just as miraculous. I've cried for all those that did not. Endometriosis is a bitch. I know.

I've learned so much about a lot and will continue to grow. I am so thankful for this blog, your blog and all the future blogs I will follow. You have become a special part of me.

Thank you for being a friend.

My Ode To Sunday Nights

What can I say...Sunday nights I always reflect on my weekend, my week that has just past and the week to come.
As I review what I did, what I could've done better, what I have learned and what I will pay attention to this week, I realize that no one ever really knows what goes on behind closed doors. You take what you see at surface value. And believe it. Because you want to. And expect it to be the truth. But quite often the truth is far from what you see.

WTF?

About 6 months ago I wrote about this, which lead me to a neurologist. Who sent me to do a few other tests. Results? A cyst on my pituitary gland. I am now waiting for another mri date to further investigate this cyst. With some magical dye injected in a vein, a wonderful picture will highlight the pituitary gland...and give us some detailed answers.

Next.

A couple months ago, on a routine doctor visit, I may have mentioned that I was having crazy, weird heart palpitations. I figured it must be anxiety over everything going on...or lack there of...but doc said "just in case, lets have a look. We want you to be as healthy as you can be when it comes to IVF time". Off I went to cardiac care at the hospital to have a holter monitor put on for 48 hours. Results? Abnormalities were detected with my heart. Hmmm, interesting. Anyway, heart test #2 will be done on Monday which will also involve some magical dye.

In all this I still await my endometriosis surgery date.

Freaked out. WTF right?

Single lady

Ok. So maybe my last post was a bit trucker mouth-y, but it felt good. And since this is my safe place, it's probably best I vent here and not attack some random pregnant lady. Right? Right.

Anyway, moving on.

My Love has been away on business for 4 days now. He will be coming home today. A break is good. A little me time was much needed. But I'm ready for him to come home now.

It was fun to sleep in the middle of the bed.

I watched whatever I wanted to watch, whenever I wanted to and you can be sure that none of what I watched involved some type of ball being thrown, kicked, putted or bounced.

I sort of felt like a single lady...but not really single.

I don't get it

Do I really feel the way I do? Because it's not consistent. Ever. Some days I am so angry, I feel like I am on fire. Other days I am so hopeful, it's like I'm walking on air. I don't get it.

What I also do not get is the whole infertility thing. Blah. It's like a cruel joke.

Oh, and I don't understand endometriosis. One day it's not there and the next it's there forever.

Also, since I'm on the topic of "not getting it"...why can some people have 20 babies and others none? F* U* Duggar family.

And I can't stand people with kids who got pregnant on their first try or who "planned it that way", who want to offer me advice. Really?
Shove it.

And not to mention the people who think "it must be nice to be able to sleep all night" because I don't have to attend to a toddler who has had a bad dream.

Shove it again. I actually don't sleep at night. Period. Because I may never have a toddler. Period.

Also, I can't just adopt...asshole...it's not that simple...

And NO, if I just relax it won't just happen...bitch...

And sorry I cannot go on vacation so it can happen while I'm there...because I have spent all my money on fertility treatments...genius.

Thank you very much.

Have a nice day.

Where I'm at

I know I always go on about L.O.V.E. and H.O.P.E. like its the "be all and end all"....
but it sort of is. Well to me it is.

And if I always believe this, then my worst days won't last that long and my best days will last longer.

And this song is where I'm at...

(no copyright intended)

Happy 4th Anniversary

Dear My Love,

Happy 4th Anniversary.

It's been four years since we said our I do's on the beach. That perfect day, so beautiful. Best. Day. Ever.

Four years have gone by quickly. Always something going on. Needless to say never having a dull moment thus far...since the day we met really. If you asked me 4 years ago where I thought we'd be today it would have looked different than where we are. But here we are and I wouldn't have changed a thing. These 4 years have made us who we are today. And I'm proud of that. I'm proud of us.

From career changes to health scares to infertility and to things that don't need mentioning, one thing is certain, we are stronger now than ever before.

I've changed a bit. You've changed a bit. We've changed a bit as a couple. Separately and together these changes have all been so positive.

I think we used to dream in black and white but now we dream in colour.

With all my cheesiness and all my heart and soul I believe L.O.V.E is the best thing in the world. And with that, I believe I just may love you more today.

We love unconditionally. We argue respectfully. We learn from each other daily. I am your biggest fan. You are my greatest supporter.

I love how we know each other so well...but still not enough so we are always growing.
We are so opposite, but quite the same. Your always logical thinking compliments my always emotional ways and these extreme emotions softens this logic.

I love how you adore the 37 year old me and amuse the 5 year old me.

I may not ever understand why you want to swim 2.4 miles then bike 112 miles then run 26.2 miles for a marathon....all in one day...but I admire it. I may never join you, but I will always be there cheering you on...

To infinity and beyond.

I love you My Love.

Our wedding song.

Deja Vu

                                                                         It's deja vu. It's deja vu I tell ya.

Same place. Same doctor. Same reason. Only thing different, it is now 2 and a half years later, 3 and a half years into our trying to conceive, I am older and more (fertility) wiser.

I had a consultation Monday about having a second endometriosis surgery. We discussed our 'surgical' goals. Which simply meant the goal was to preserve fertility. And although this will help some of the pain, the pain courtesy of endo being attached to my bowels and bladder may not be touched at this time.
Another tubal dye test will be done to make sure my fallopian tubes are still not blocked, any endo that can be safely removed will, of course. We need to know what we are dealing with. And now we are awaiting a surgery date.

But, to quote the doc, "things are sometimes different once we have you in surgery". Oh and "I need you to understand, that just because you are having this surgery does not necessarily guarantee that IVF will work. I don't want you to have false hope."

Right. False hope. There's no such thing as 'false' hope. It's just H.O.P.E. doc. It'll be the same hope I had after all our medicated cycles. It'll be the same hope I had after all our IUI's. And it'll be the same hope I have that I will wake up from surgery with all my female parts not completely devoured by endo. It'll be the same hope that our one and only IVF try will result in a baby.

I have stage IV endometriosis. The worse kind. The meanest kind. And there's nothing false about that.

Halloween party

We are going to a Halloween party Friday night. There's going to be costumes, prizes, games, music, raffles, family, friends and fun!

I think I've only ever been to one other costume party before, so I'm excited to dressed up. But this isn't just any Halloween party. It's a fundraiser too. What a great idea don't ya think?

And what is the fundraiser for you ask?

It's for a couple who dreams of becoming parents and have been struggling for way too long.

It's an IVF fundraiser for My Love and I...(as if you couldn't figure that out).

I know. A.Maz.Ing.

We are so lucky. Blessed. Honoured. Loved. Thankful. Humbled. Excited.

I'm pretty sure we have the best family and friends ever!

Happy Birthday to me

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to!

Yes that's right. This girl is 37. Really. I know. Hard to believe. I don't look my age. I don't act my age. I don't feel my age. But I am 37 years old today.

Not gonna embrace the number. Not gonna like it. Just gonna deal with it. Why? Because 37 years of age in the world of fertility is old. All my 'odds' and 'statistics' for having a baby just dropped like a bazillion %...(ok maybe 5 or 10%).

But whatever. Moving on. I've never been a number's girl so why should I start now. Right?

What I would like to do for my birthday is to celebrate my family, My Love and my friends.

So, I propose a birthday toast...

Thank you for putting up with all my anxious ways. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for accepting me just the way I am.

Cheers!

And finally, if there is anything I have learned in my 37 years, it is this...

 a life without love is no life at all.

Happy birthday to me!

Happy Thanksgiving Day

I know I've been m.i.a. lately...but I'll be back...I've got a lot to share...I just need to get my blogging groove back...until then...

I couldn't let this summer like Thanksgiving Day go by without acknowledgement.

Happy Thanksgiving Day to all my family, friends and fellow Canadians.

And as proclaimed by Parliament on January 31st, 1957...to be observed on the second Monday in October...

   "A Day of general Thanksgiving to Almighty God for the bountiful harvest with which Canada has been blessed..."

I saw it coming

It's official.

It has finally hit me.

I did it to myself.

I saw it coming.

Chose to ignore all the warning signs.

I am uncomfortable.

My summer indulgences and my lazy ways...have found their way to my butt, belly and boobs. I have no excuse really. When I'm happy I eat. When I'm sad I eat. Both are usually accompanied with a glass of wine or 2 (ok sometimes 3).

If I don't catch it now the 10 pounds will become 20 pounds and you know how the rest goes. With Thanksgiving and Christmas just months away it can easily happen!

But it's not just about the weight loss and trying to look good...it's about being healthy...mind, body and soul.

And since I have IVF in the plans I better smarten up and focus.

I'm an auntie again

On Friday, September 9 at approximatey 10:48 p.m. while I was out at a wedding celebrating L.O.V.E. my nephew was entering the world.

He is so tiny weighing in at 6 pounds 2 ounces with a full head of hair, he is perfect. He looks just like his big sister did when she was born.

And the weekend festivities continued with a birthday outing on Saturday to Toys R Us followed by a Chuck E Cheese party on Sunday. All this for the new big sister who's birthday fell on September 10th.

Mom and dad are doing well. Having to have a c-section, they were only dischared from the hospital yesterday.

What a very busy few days we've had...celebrating life and love.

With every season

It's been a hot and busy summer. August is coming to an end. The daylight is getting shorter. The mornings and evenings are full of cool, crisp, freshness....my favourite. I can feel the anxiety of all the back to schoolers and smell the excitement of all the parents who have back to schoolers.

I love fall. And similar to the start of a new year, it reminds me to turn over a new leaf (teehee, I couldn't help that). The final four months of the year are truly about giving thanks. Being grateful. And giving love. In any way and every way to all. It reminds the people who forget to be this way. And fulfils the ones who truly are this way. At least thats how I see it.

But with every season change I am reminded of how fast time goes by. Playing the "this time next year game" isn't as fun as it used to be. So, it only makes sense that I have been making a genuine effort to live in the present. Trying to appreciate and be thankful for all that is... right now...in this moment. This is not an easy task, but one that I have been fortunate to have guidance and direction with from an amazing woman whom I admire and adore.

Welcome to my world

I found a fabulous article via this blog I follow.

The article is titled .... Infertility: I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me.

The writer so perfectly describes the cruel world of infertility and all it's ugliness.

His story has a happy ending. As I imagine ours will too. Right?

Please. Please. Please. Read it. Pass it on.

And welcome to my world.

IVF info session

Last night we went to our IVF info session. There were so many couples. And for the first time, we were in a room full of people who all felt the exact same as we did. Anxiety. Excitement. Fear. Hope. I took comfort in that.

The session lasted about 2 hours. It was information overload and we were exhausted by the time we got home. It brought up more scenarios for My Love and I to discuss on the drive home...again. Do we freeze eggs? Do we do ICSI? Do we need assisted hatching? Of course, all this was so new and so much to take in.

The stats were clear...confirming I am no Spring chicken...which isn't a surprise with a question like do we need assisted hatching? However, better than originally thought!

Also confirming that endometriosis sucks! Bringing the odds down a bit. However, if timed immediately after surgery that will make all the difference!

We have a direction. We have a goal. We have a timeline. We have a plan A. We have a plan B.

Most importantly....we will always have each other.

What a success

Just a brief post on our great garage sale success....

drum roll please...

$978.70

Can you even believe it!! I know!!

Of course, we will put in the difference to make it an even $1000 deposit to commence the IVF fund.
What a fabulous way to start us on our journey.

I am all garage saled out. The 3 sales we held were A LOT of work. But worth every minute. Our friends and family are amazing.

We are truly blessed.

Thank you everyone for believing in our cause.

A change is gonna come

A change is gonna come. Actually, a change has gotta come.
My Love and I decided that yes. For sure. We are on the road to IVF. I wrote this a couple weeks ago about being unsure. But we are sure. We know what we will do before, during and after IVF. That feels good.

We realize this road is not going to be an easy one, but until we reach our destination, I have a feeling I will be learning a few much needed lessons along the way. I already feel the changes happening. In my heart. In my mind.

It's not a secret that IVF is a whole lotta money. Also, not a secret, we don't have it (don't know many people who do).

But what's amazing is we are surrounded by people who want to help. And help sooooooo much. My beautiful friend has been hosting IVF fundraising garage sales . Well, garage sale #2 will be this weekend. How'd it happen so quickly? With a well written email sent from my sisters and friend (I love you ladies!), we have managed to receive donations of stuff. Good stuff. New stuff. Toys, furniture, household items...you get the picture.
And the donations keep pouring in...so much so we will be having garage sale #3 at one of my sister's houses next weekend. Donations from family, friends, friends of friends, their co workers, complete strangers, neighbours and even the bank teller who asked what all the coins were for.

I'm overwhelmed by the kindness. support. love. by people.

I have always thought that some people are kind. But most people not so much.
However, now I see that it's quite the opposite.

Perhaps I only acknowledge the rude people because I am in awe at how they could be that way.
But that doesn't make sense. That's wasted energy. Pay no mind to them.

Acknowledge kindness. Be aware of the positive people.

There we have it. Lesson #1.

Denial.

Infertility makes people uncomfortable. Mostly the people we love. I understand this.

I get that sometimes you don't know what to say. That's OK. You don't have to say much.

Really.

Just listen while I cry nonsense. Just hug me while I crumble.

*****

I started a second job just over a month ago. Part time, as I am able to work it around my first job and yesterday was a tough day. I felt like I was surrounded by pregnant women. Only pregnant women. I heard some stories about ankles being swollen. About all the excitement of having your first child. About plans on timing baby number 2. And as each minute passed I felt myself fading. I knew what would be coming next. I just needed to keep it together for a couple more hours. In order to maintain composure, I tried making random conversations. But while my eyes started to welt up talking about how hot the weather has been, I pretended I was just that much more focused on work. I'm sure it appeared strange, but whatever. I'm pretty sure I also ignored one very pregnant lady asking me a question.

And while I was so focused on the task at hand, my throat started to hurt. You know, when your heart says it can't take it anymore and begins the move to your eyes via the throat. I didn't allow it to get to that point though, which is very impressive for me. How I managed that I am not sure. I did feel a bit shaky, my heart was pounding and my stomach was hurting pretty bad.

But once I left, once I shut the door to the building it was another story. I broke. Raw emotion took over. I wasn't surprised it was that bad because since Monday's appointment I've been a bit numb.

The only thing that went though my mind all evening and all night while I lay in my bed awake was, 'Is this for real? Is all this really happening? Is it possible that we may never have a baby?'

It has been 3 years of trying. So, I know it sounds a bit odd that I may be questioning it now...but it just felt different. It felt like something hit me with a ton of bricks.

Have I been in denial this whole time?

Or was it that someone suggested I should accept that it's just the way it is.

Or maybe it's both.

Decisions.Decisions.

$15000.

That's what our RE says to have for a single IVF cycle. We may or may not need the full amount but be prepared for it.

Age 36-40.

That's when the success rate of carrying a full term IVF baby declines.

Laproscopic surgery #2.

That's what I will be doing sometime this year as my endometriosis has returned. With what seems like a vengeance.

Difficult and timely decisions.

That's what My Love and I are faced with. Challenged with. Confused about.

A lot to take in all at once. Needless to say the drive home from the appointment yesterday wasn't a dull one. What do we do? You would think it was a no brainer right? Maybe. But the decision isn't as easy as one would think. Well, it's not for us anyway. It isn't as simple as we thought it would be.
There are a couple other factors that we need to take into consideration.

We played devil's advocate for the rest of the evening. Becoming more and more confused. Breaking a bit with each passing scenario. Feeling even more anxiety with every beat of my heart.

Time is of the essence.

Whatever My Love and I decide on, we know this will be the biggest defining moment of our lives.

    "It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped."

-Tony Robbins

 

I accept

My nerve conduction test hurt.
But not as bad as my head made me think it would. Surprise. Surprise. Results to follow in a couple weeks.

Moving on.

I read this, this morning written by a fabulous woman named Keiko Zoll. Her blog asks 'Do you accept your infertility'?

So do I?

Um. I'm not sure what I would be accepting.
Am I accepting that I am infertile? Am I accepting that I may never have a biological baby?

No.

I accept I am infertile...FOR NOW.

I accept that I have no control over my infertility or my endometriosis that may be causing infertility.

I accept that infertility has made me angry, bitter and resentful. More than I thought I could ever be.

I accept that infertility has made me hurt in a way I have never thought my heart could take (and I've had quite a few painful experiences).

I accept that infertility is lonely.

I accept that infertility is cruel.

I accept that infertility has brought My Love and I closer in the most precious way ever.

I accept that infertility has shown me love I never would've seen before or felt before or accepted before.

I accept that infertility is teaching me patience.

I accept that infertility is making me stronger.

I accept that infertility is teaching me not to quit.

I accept that amongst all the dark and scary...there is beauty and light.

Will it hurt?

About a month ago, I wrote about some funny business and yesterday was the first part of the nerve assessment test. It was really more of an in depth consultation. I was asked a million questions and then hit with a medical mallet of some sort on what must have been every part of my body. The whole time the doctor told me to pretend I'm not here....Really? OK. Let me just look out the window while you beat me.

A little dramatic? I know. But I'm secretly freaking out while trying to appear calm. Since we don't know what it is yet, I'll try not to get carried away. I mean c'mon, I've been dealing with infertility and endometriosis for what seems like forever, so this should be a walk in the park. Right?

I hope.

Anyway, part 2 will take place on Monday. I will be having an EMG- electromyography test. The secretary gave me an information sheet which read:

      "EMG is a diagnostic test carried out on nerves and muscles. Electrodes are attached to the arm or leg and an electrical pulse is delivered to the nerve. The speed of the nerve function is then measured. Other electrodes will record the activity of the muscle and the technologist is then able to listen to certain sounds in the muscle. Small pin pricks will be felt with this part of the procedure. The electrical pulses and pin pricks are minimal. There is no special preparation for this test and no after effects"

And after reading it myself, my natural instinct was to ask, "Will it hurt? and how long is this test?"

The answer, "Well, it's just going to be a little uncomfortable and be prepared to be here for an hour."

Wow. Ok. I've heard the 'a little uncomfortable' speech before and I know what it means.
It means yes it will hurt... of course it will hurt...absolutely will hurt the whole hour.

     The Nervous System

Infertility dedication

Dear infertility,

I think about you often. So much so, I have found the perfect song for our relationship. This is my dedication to you.

Peace.

Reality is...

We made an appointment with our RE. We are currently not cycling, but need to discuss further treatment, plans and my endometriosis that is freaking me out. I feel it getting worse. And I'm scared. I know another surgery will be in my future. What scares me is how much worse it actually is.

I'm going to post my endo story another time, but until then...

Google, My Love and I have been talking and thinking, searching and discussing. And even though I wrote this post about our revised plans, we have revised our revised plans...hence the RE appointment.

No more wasting time, money and energy on IUI's.

Reality is...IVF.

There. I said it.

A bit of relief to put it out there.

A lot of tears to admit it.

Dear Father's Day

Dear Father's Day,

I'm sorry that I made a promise I couldn't keep. I know I said you would have a wonderful father to join in the celebration this year, but I was wrong. We did everything we could between last year and this year, but nothing worked. No miracle happened.

It wasn't for the lack of trying, it just didn't happen. I don't know why. Do you?

I know My Love will be an amazing daddy and I know he so desperately wants to be one. He is a good man. While I am falling apart he is trying to pick up the pieces. He thinks I don't know he is hurting, but I do. He thinks I can't see the sadness in his eyes, but I can. He thinks he has to be strong ALL THE TIME, but he doesn't.

So please father's day, embrace My Love with the confidence and hope that he will be a wonderful father some day and remind him that I love him with everything that I am. And let him know that there is a baby somewhere in this universe waiting to say 'happy father's day' to him.

source

Some funny business

I haven't really spoken much about it. Probably because I feel I complain so much about everything else. But since this is my safe place, I might as well.

For the pass few months there has been some funny business going on in my body. I'm not talking about the usual endometriosis type of funny business, I mean something new.

I've been experiencing numbness, tingling and weakness with both my arms, hands and feet. I also get random tingling that happens in the middle of my back. Strange right? And not so funny.

At first I thought it was all in my head (well, My Love sometimes calls me a hypochondriac), but once the funny business kept occurring more frequently, I knew it was time to check it out.

I've seen a neurologist, who has since arranged for a nerve conduction test. This will happen in July.

I'm nervous about it (no pun intended).

source

About Love

I've been thinking lately about many of my previous posts. It is clear that I am pretty down in the dumps. Sad. Lost.

What is not clear to the world and possibly the people in my world, is how fortunate I am to have the people I have in my life. How thankful I am for them. How much I love them.

And even though I tend to be a bit of a 'keep to myself' kinda gal, there are people who have come to realize this and love me anyway. I call these people true friends. Thank you true friends.

And even though I may be a little very emotional, a bit snappy and appear uninterested, there is someone who loves me unconditionally. I call him My Love. Thank you My Love.

And even though I may talk and ramble about the same things while not making any sense and appear withdrawn, there are ladies that will always be on my side and listen. I call them my sisters and my mom. Thank you sisters and mom.

So even though I seem a bit lot like Eeyore and his cloud

source



I haven't forgotten how blessed, fortunate, lucky I truly am.

I am surrounded by love. And doesn't love conquer all?

courtesy of: Etsy. xpressitall2010

Stuck

I'm having one of those blah kind of days. I'm sure the weather doesn't help either. Or that I'm stupid tired from a long week of getting up at 4:30 every morning.
Or just blah because I'm just blah.

I dunno. I feel stuck. Like I cannot move forward in any aspect of my life. I feel that there has to be more. More quality to my day. More that I should be doing with my life. More focus. More motivation. More fulfillment.

It's like I'm going through the motions but I'm not really here.

Goals? I need them! I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure I really know how to begin.

I know that if we weren't able to have a baby, it wouldn't be the end of the world. But it just sort of feels like that sometimes.

Do you ever feel stuck?

Happy long weekend

Happy 'unofficial start to the summer' long weekend. It is an absolutely beautiful day today. Will it last all weekend? Maybe. Maybe not.

I woke up this morning soooo grumpy. Why? Because I remember last year's 'unofficial start to the summer' long weekend....I thought to myself, this time next year I will either be pregnant or have a baby.

Well, it is this time and neither are correct. I am sad. I am struggling. I am crying.

However, because the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and the day is beautiful, I will try choose to enjoy the day. The lump in my throat and the heaviness on my heart will just have to wait.

Today I will enjoy friends and family (whom I've been neglecting), food (which I love) and plenty of wine, beer and fruity cocktails (oh my!).

Cheers!

courtesy of

Looking for my rainbow connection

I suppose I've always had a rainbow obsession...ever since I was a little girl...

The Rainbow Connection from the Muppet Movie.

The news

I've been writing this post since I found out the news. I didn't really know how to approach it and needed to put a lot of thought into it.
The ironic part about it all, is that just as I was about to write a very angry post that day back in January, I received the news. I am so thankful I didn't post. Instead, I posted this the next day.

I love my family and would do pretty much anything for them. My sisters are my best friends (don't worry you are too My Love) and my adorable niece is so one of  us...cheesy at 2 1/2 years old. So cutie patootie, let me tell ya!
Let me also tell you that she is going to be a big sister. That's the news.

When M first told me she was pregnant the rush of emotions were so overwhelming. I cried and laughed at the same time (which if you know me, you know this can happen from time to time in any given emotional state). I was over the moon excited but my heart felt so heavy.

M was just crying. Why? Because although her news was amazing and, as I see every conception now as a miracle, she was hurting for me. I think she even apologized. Is that some sisterly love or what?

I will be honest and say I thought I was being selfish for struggling a bit with the news, but reality is no one's life stops because I'm fertility challenged. It's my sister after all and no matter how much my heart hurts, it's probably the next best thing.

courtesy of www.zazzle.ca

Our Revised Plan

I am struggling. I am really struggling.

And although it's tough, according to My Love, we need a plan. Let me explain...

My Love feels we need to decide, before we begin a new cycle, on the number of  injectable stimulated IUI's we are willing to try before stopping and moving on. I suppose this is a good idea to discuss now while we are not cycling. I just don't like to talk about what will happen next during a cycle. You know what I mean? I'm a bit funny that way.

Of course, a lot will have to do with how well I may or may not respond to adding the stronger and 'fancier' follicle stimulating hormones into the equation. I would also be in   La-La land to think that costs will also play a key role as well.

We've decided that the magical number will be 3. And why shouldn't it be? We've tried 3 million natural cycles. 3 medicated cycles. 3 medicated cycles with IUI.

So there we have it. Our plan. Or shall I say our revised plan. Because all of this was never really our plan to begin with.

I suppose it's someone else's plan for us.

A Broken Hallelujah

bro·ken

1. Having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order.

2. Rejected, defeated, or despairing.

hal·le·lu·jah 
1. An expression of worship or rejoicing.

Cancelled cycle and Ticking clock

As I drove back to the clinic yesterday morning I felt so anxious. Excited. Scared. Most importantly hopeful again.

We will be moving on to more aggressive treatments by adding injectable hormones into the equation. So, this cycle was like starting fresh. Kinda. Pretty exciting, eh? As exciting as hormones can be.

Getting my blood work done, I made some nervous conversation. Having my ultrasound done....ouch! That was weird. Mr. ultrasound wand sorta hurt.

The wonderful nurse called me in for my results, took a deep breath and said, "ok, you have a fair sized cyst...". I knew exactly what side she was talking about as I have been uncomfortable for weeks now. That's all I heard because I was sobbing like a little girl.

This cycle is now cancelled until the cyst goes away. Who knows how long it will take. Maybe a month. Maybe 2. We will see if it will go away on its own. At least I didn't have to go on birth control pills, which is common to suppress the growth of cysts...I think.

So in the meantime, while we wait for this cyst to go away, my lovely endometriomas continue to grow... oh and I think I hear my clock ticking too.

BLAH!

I'm scared. I'm really sad. I'm a bit of a mess.

The results are in

BIG. F*CKING. NEGATIVE.

Today I will throw hope out the window for breaking my heart... 

Today I will only eat chocolate... 

Today I will only drink wine...

Tomorrow hope will fix my heart again...

Hope Street -LaurenBPhotography

  

A Rabbit in that Hat

I woke up this morning feeling crampy!
Not crampy like grumpy!
Crampy like Aunt Flo, period-like, please say it ain't so crampy!

And of course because I had to have 2 trigger injections, I need to wait a bit longer before we can test.

As I had a mini freak out this morning, My Love so calmly reminded me that there is still a blood test to take. He also reminded me, as he usually does, there are some things we have no control over and as long as I did my best to stay healthy and positive I did my part.
As you can see he is the calmer more rational one in our relationship.

I received an email from a friend yesterday. She is a fabulous woman.

On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know... 
Sometimes all God wants you to do is to "get the ball rolling." Then, She'll take it from there. So when things turn out other than the way you wanted them to, don't be so quick to say, "Bummer!" Many a Bummer is a Blessing in disguise. Consider the possibility that life is magic...and that there's a rabbit in that hat.

Stay off the computer

I've had a busy few days. This morning was my progesterone blood work check at the clinic. I worked Saturday and spent Sunday at my moms and yesterday was a sort of spring cleaning do whatever I want day (I had the day off).

I did however manage to get in some google-ing time on Friday! Earlier than originally thought, but I broke down.  Totally justified though. I wasn't feeling well and I had severe lower back pains and not to mention (warning too much information ahead), some spotting...lots of spotting. But when it got worst on Saturday morning, I upgraded to a phone call to the clinic.

The nurse gave me a couple scenarios on what it could possibly be and told me I needed to relax and keep my feet up. More importantly, STAY OFF THE COMPUTER!!!

What? Stay off the computer? Whatever shall I do? Hmmmm...go to Chapters (I know that's not  exactly staying off my feet)!

No I'm not completely crazy, just a little bit. I didn't go to scope out books on babies or pregnancy stuff, I went to become further acquainted with the gluten free world. It's been about 3 weeks since I've eliminated, or am doing my best to eliminate, gluten. It's tough, but I feel great. Why didn't I do this sooner. I am no longer doubled over in agony like I usually am after every meal.
Not to mention I've lost 5 pounds that somehow followed me home a few months ago.

So, I grabbed a couple books and yes, I am relaxing...as relaxed as one can be during this 2 1 week wait...

2 week wait

This cycle has been crazy! It was touch and go for a while with a couple things to keep an eye on, we weren't sure we would be able to have our IUI procedures! But linings thickened and follicles grew and I am officially into the 2 week wait.

The 2 week wait is agonizing! It's the longest 2 weeks ever! I will begin my google-ing early pregnancy symptoms probably on the weekend. It won't matter if I really have any symptoms or not because my heart will tell me I do...and how can I forget the extra progesterone I will be taking that often mimic pregnancy symptoms too. Pretty cruel, eh?

So, what shall I do to keep myself busy?

Mrs. Familiar Face

Yesterday was CD (cycle day) 10. As I drove over to the clinic, I found myself ...um, reminded myself to stay positive, which I constantly need to be aware of. I gave my follicles a pep talk and explained to them they needed to grow and if they did grow, they'd have a big surprise waiting for them when they matured. Please and thank you.

As I sat there waiting for my turn, I saw no familiar faces. I wanted to see other patients I recognized that have been there just as long as I have. Was that mean? Maybe.

And then a familiar face! I felt relieved and sad at the same time that maybe she was thinking and feeling the same as I was. No eye contact was made, but as she got up for her turn I noticed she had A BUMP. OMG! Was she pregnant? A rush of emotions came over me. I wanted to give her a great big hug and fall to the floor at the same time. It was her turn! Congratulation Mrs. Familiar Face!

As I sat there waiting for my turn again (because that's what you do, it's like an assembly line of sorts) I swear I heard my follicles tell me," Stay focused because it's gonna be our turn soon too".

April showers bring May flowers

This past week in review...

my naturapathic dr. consult got rescheduled ...AF (aunt flo a.k.a period) arrived, and like a cycling junkie (not to be mistaken for bicycling junkie like My Love), I decided I NEEDED to get back to it.

Yup, that's right I couldn't stay away any longer and am officially cycling again. After an almost four month break, I received such a warm welcome back from the staff at the fertility clinic. Sure I'm all warm and fuzzy that I was missed, but I mean business and am ready to be pocked and prodded once again.

After a mini catch up with the nurse, she reminds me that Dr.C likes to do three of the same procedures before moving on to more aggressive (unless of course I want to). Alrighty then, IUI #3 it is!  EXCEPT this cycle's equation will look more like this...

 letrozole + trigger + back to back IUI + progesterone = BABY

My ultrasound found a cyst (no biggie so far) and we have decided to have My Love have another analysis done since it's been a year and a half since his last check (which was found to be slightly below normal).

So as the hormones are raging....here's hoping April showers bring May flowers.

A successful baby visit

I'm sure this doesn't come across as a surprise but, lately I've been avoiding any type of situation, gathering or people where there may be a lot of babies, toddlers and children around. Actually, just avoiding any type of gathering period. I'm just having a difficult time putting on a believable smile.

After crawling out from underneath my rock, I decided I really should meet the newest edition to my cousin's family. So, got myself together and made the congratulations call last week. Then, on Friday very focused, I headed over to the mall and did some baby gift shopping. After having my token breakdown right there in the baby section of H&M, I realized there are definitely way more girl clothes to choose from than boys.

My sister's and I went yesterday for our visit. It was very strange. As I drove over I was actually nervous. What the hell was I nervous for? I don't know. I can't explain it. My only thought was I didn't want to have a breakdown while I was holding this barely one week old baby.

My stomach was in knots the whole time. While most of our conversation was about baby, the lack of sleep and sore body parts I couldn't help but zone out and think how I wanted to be soooo tired too and have my body parts be soooo sore as well!
Our visit was a success, tearless and all. And while I was holding Baby I was secretly hoping she would rub some baby dust on me.

I Would Die For That  -Kelley Coffey

What if

What a lovely spring day. The sun is shining. The air is fresh. And I feel broken.
My heart feels so heavy. Lately I've had the 'what if' blues. You know, what if we never get pregnant? what if our next cycle fails? What if we can't afford IVF? What if we should try another fertility clinic? What if I stay this sad forever?

As like anyone else struggling with infertility, I often go back and forth between my 'I am full of hope' days and my 'I am so angry/sad/resentful' days. It comes and goes, although lately it just comes. I have a lot of other crap going on in my life right now that, if you can even believe, has to come before anything fertility. Which doesn't help my heavy heart.

BUT as I have said before, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason...and there's always a reason. I believe this now more than ever because I just need to believe.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Isn't it insane how quickly things change. Just going about your business and then BOOM a horrific earthquake happens and changes the whole world. Literally.  (My heart goes out to all the people of Japan).

I suppose such is life. Boom! and then your world changes. Good or bad, a change is a change and the best thing to do in either scenario is, 'Keep calm and carry on'.

For anyone that truly knows me, that is not what I do. I get frazzled easily. I don't even really understand that concept. Keep calm? And then once you're calm carry on? Really? Is there a school you go to to learn this?

Oh right. It's called the school of life. Well, I must be failing miserably because I've only just recently figured out (kinda...maybe), that the only type of control you have in this world is the control over yourself....not what happens, doesn't happen, no control over any one's actions and clearly no control over the universe.

So since there's no calmness to my carry-on-ness do you have any suggestions?

Naturopathic Doctor

Who knew finding a Naturopathic doctor would be so difficult. I didn't know how to approach it, so I did what I do best and Googled my way through. My initial list of 6 doctors to meet was a bust as I was only able to speak to 1 over the span of a few weeks. Some of the offices I went to were either closed, moved, looked too shady and not that welcoming. So, I composed a new list. I managed to set up a meet and greet appointment with a doctor that was very experienced in fertility and woman's health. She was fabulous. As soon as I walked into her office I knew I was in the right place.
After a mini meeting and a mini meltdown, I booked my initial consultation appointment with her. I wasn't able to get in until the last week of March, but really my life has been a waiting game for the passed 3 years so what's another couple weeks.

I'm feeling anxious about everything, but excited to try a new approach or at least compliment it with our medical doctors. I feel my Love is a bit skeptical but supportive nonetheless. I know he is feeling just as sad and anxious as I am, but doesn't want to make it obvious. What a cutie patootie.

So Sad

Yesterday I received a 'key of hope' from one of my amazing sisters. Just one of those Hallmark gifts. I love it. I will keep it with me always. Thank you sister, how did you know I would need that today?

Today I feel so sad. Holy crap so sad. My heart actually hurts. This feeling sucks. That's all.

Gone Surfing

I've just spent the last 4 hours surfing the internet and reading other fertility blogs....
I read everything from BFP (big fat positives) to exercises to fertility diets to IVF to twins to miscarriages to prayers to positive thinking to stress free infertility to switching fertility clinics to oral drugs to injectable drugs to hormones to endometriosis (what I have) to ovulating or lack there of to sperm mobility to sperm morphology to sex positions to how many times do you do IUI (intrauterine insemination) before moving on to IVF to age to acupuncture to fear to hope to  sadness to feeling alone to hating the world to learning to love yourself in all of this to getting up each day scared to expensive treatments to being strong to facing reality to needles to ultrasounds to blood work to fabulous supportive husbands and partners and family and friends to feeling lost then found then lost again...

Hello March

It's hard to believe that we are already our third month into 2011. March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb....I sure hope so. We've had quite the frigid winter and I'm totally ready for some spring.

Funny thing I do every month, I estimate a due date if we were to get pregnant in that month. I realize that sound crazy, but it's what I do. So, according to my calculations if we get pregnant this month our baby will be born towards the end of November or mid December. Which also means we still have a chance for a 2011 baby! Hmmmm, I'll do anything to keep hope going.

Hakuna Matata

I went to visit the cutest toddler in the world yesterday (ok, maybe I'm a bit bias), S is so into The Lion King. I LOVE THE LION KING! (I happen to have my own platinum edition, thank you).

Her new favourite song and exactly what I needed a dose of.....

Hakuna Matata

Yin and Yang

I've been entertaining the idea of trying some alternative medicine.

I am currently reading The Infertility Cure by Dr. Randine Lewis. It talks about incorporating Traditional Chinese Medicine and Acupunture to your fertility regime or strictly as your fertility regime.
Really what do I have to lose. I'm willing to try just about anything at this point. And since our next treatment is either insemination #3 or IVF the price is right.

My goal for the next week is to complete my read and find a Naturopathic Doctor that will add some TCM to the mix or even better a Doctor that actually follows this Fertility Program. It will be a whole new world for me that, at this point, won't include hormones, hormones and more hormones.

The basis of TCM is all about energy, opposites, and balance...
Yin and Yang here I come...

Time well wasted

I've been known to rearrange furniture and decor at home at least once a month...

So why wouldn't I try to rearrange the look of my blog, change it up a bit, add some new things until I'm satisfied (I mentioned I was indecisive, right?).

I think I'd like to call this time well wasted. While I'm fussing with colours, layout and design, I'm not thinking of when my next cycle monitoring session may OR may not begin.
While we are anxious and need to be more aggressive in treatment and possibly adding alternative treatments our pockets have a whole in them.

It's been 2 months now since we've been to the clinic. The first month was due to a holiday shut down and the second month I wasn't quite ready to return. I'm ready now to once again be poked, prodded and hormonally jacked.

What God Meant

I came across this lovely poem...
It made me breathe so deeply...
It lifted my heart so slightly...

What God Meant

What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility?

I think He meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper.

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down.

I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols.

I think God meant for us to find a cure for fertility.

No, God never meant for me to not have children.

That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on.

I've been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I'm a better person for it.

Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment.

I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could ever experience the joy that I know awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own.

And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."

Author Unknown

My quicker picker upper

                                                                                        

Patience

Some days are easier than others.

You can blame the weather or that time of the month, but I will say it's just me. It's not uncommon for me to feel happy, sad or angry all in the same day or even within the same hour.

I try, I try, I try to realize that there are worst things in the world and I need to have patience.  It's not easy.  I feel guilty for feeling sad and resenting every pregnant woman out there. I feel lost! I feel stuck! This sucks!

Do you know what the definition of insanity is? It's doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I do.

Have you seen the movie Groundhog Day?
Welcome to my world.

Am I being such a downer?
Yup.

Am I going to quit?
Nope.

Am I learning true patience?
For sure.

If You're Looking For Me

I started to write a new post yesterday. It was full of raw emotion. So glad I didn't post it.
If you're looking for me I'll be somewhere over the rainbow...

On A Quest

On a quest to quiet my mind, I realize I don't listen to enough music....
Here is one of my favourite's

Friend

I met a friend today for lunch.

I love meeting up with her because we always seem to pick up where we left off. It's not always easy with schedules but...it could be a week, a month or a year and it always seems like just yesterday when I see her.

If I ever needed anything I could and would totally call her.

Friends, for me, are far and few between. Which I prefer. The unconditional love of a friend-like that of my friend today, is so rare and special.

Thank you my friend for more than you really know!

This Moment

My blog is titled "These Defining Moments" and I have to say in this moment there is nothing going on. I mean nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero.

A defining moment is actually described as...  An event, action, or decision that results in a significant change for a person, institution,community,country or the world       (thanks Answer.com)

So as I sit here thinking about what I just wrote, I realize that I am right smack in the middle of a defining time-which once I make a move, will be a defining moment. I need to make some very important decisions and changes. I just don't know how and where to start.

I often have internal dialogues within myself and some days it goes like this......"now what are you going to do hotshot? the clocks ticking and you are not getting any younger. You only get what you give. Is this what you've strived to be all your life? What are you doing?"  BLAH

And other days it's more like this... "Don't worry, you've got plenty of time. Have patience, there is only so much you can control. Your doing just fine with everything in your life" BLAH

As Wilt Whitman, an American poet and as quoted in the movie TinCup, I now say " Self, YOU EITHER DEFINE THE MOMENT OR THE MOMENT WILL DEFINE YOU"

And don't I know it.

Happy New Year

I'm sitting here wanting to write my first post of the new year but I don't know what to say. Strange.

I can recap 2010, but I don't want to. Instead I will choose one word that describes it, ENDURANCE. That's all for that. Goodbye 2010.

Hello 2011. I welcome you with open arms, an open heart and an open mind. Please be good to me.

Happy New Year.

Peace.