Friday, May 27, 2011


I'm having one of those blah kind of days. I'm sure the weather doesn't help either. Or that I'm stupid tired from a long week of getting up at 4:30 every morning.
Or just blah because I'm just blah.

I dunno. I feel stuck. Like I cannot move forward in any aspect of my life. I feel that there has to be more. More quality to my day. More that I should be doing with my life. More focus. More motivation. More fulfillment.

It's like I'm going through the motions but I'm not really here.

Goals? I need them! I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure I really know how to begin.

I know that if we weren't able to have a baby, it wouldn't be the end of the world. But it just sort of feels like that sometimes.

Do you ever feel stuck?

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Happy long weekend

Happy 'unofficial start to the summer' long weekend. It is an absolutely beautiful day today. Will it last all weekend? Maybe. Maybe not.

I woke up this morning soooo grumpy. Why? Because I remember last year's 'unofficial start to the summer' long weekend....I thought to myself, this time next year I will either be pregnant or have a baby.

Well, it is this time and neither are correct. I am sad. I am struggling. I am crying.

However, because the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and the day is beautiful, I will try choose to enjoy the day. The lump in my throat and the heaviness on my heart will just have to wait.

Today I will enjoy friends and family (whom I've been neglecting), food (which I love) and plenty of wine, beer and fruity cocktails (oh my!).


Monday, May 16, 2011

Looking for my rainbow connection

I suppose I've always had a rainbow obsession...ever since I was a little girl...

The Rainbow Connection from the Muppet Movie.

Friday, May 6, 2011

The news

I've been writing this post since I found out the news. I didn't really know how to approach it and needed to put a lot of thought into it.
The ironic part about it all, is that just as I was about to write a very angry post that day back in January, I received the news. I am so thankful I didn't post. Instead, I posted this the next day.

I love my family and would do pretty much anything for them. My sisters are my best friends (don't worry you are too My Love) and my adorable niece is so one of  us...cheesy at 2 1/2 years old. So cutie patootie, let me tell ya!
Let me also tell you that she is going to be a big sister. That's the news.

When M first told me she was pregnant the rush of emotions were so overwhelming. I cried and laughed at the same time (which if you know me, you know this can happen from time to time in any given emotional state). I was over the moon excited but my heart felt so heavy.

M was just crying. Why? Because although her news was amazing and, as I see every conception now as a miracle, she was hurting for me. I think she even apologized. Is that some sisterly love or what?

I will be honest and say I thought I was being selfish for struggling a bit with the news, but reality is no one's life stops because I'm fertility challenged. It's my sister after all and no matter how much my heart hurts, it's probably the next best thing.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Our Revised Plan

I am struggling. I am really struggling.

And although it's tough, according to My Love, we need a plan. Let me explain...

My Love feels we need to decide, before we begin a new cycle, on the number of  injectable stimulated IUI's we are willing to try before stopping and moving on. I suppose this is a good idea to discuss now while we are not cycling. I just don't like to talk about what will happen next during a cycle. You know what I mean? I'm a bit funny that way.

Of course, a lot will have to do with how well I may or may not respond to adding the stronger and 'fancier' follicle stimulating hormones into the equation. I would also be in   La-La land to think that costs will also play a key role as well.

We've decided that the magical number will be 3. And why shouldn't it be? We've tried 3 million natural cycles. 3 medicated cycles. 3 medicated cycles with IUI.

So there we have it. Our plan. Or shall I say our revised plan. Because all of this was never really our plan to begin with.

I suppose it's someone else's plan for us.