The game

I haven't played in a while. And I was hoping that the game would never come up again. But it did this past weekend, and I struggled.

The game I am speaking about is, the "this time next year" game. We had our annual community garage sale on Saturday. My Love and I always try to make a point of going for a walk, just because (well, he amuses me and comes along). We didn't this year though. The weather wasn't the greatest and I just wasn't into it.

Saturday, as I slowly drove down the packed street to get on wth my day, I watched as the new families with babies in strollers and the pregnant women walked around scouring baby item deals. I'm sure there were others too, but I didn't see anyone else.

I cried, because it is "this time next year"....again...and again...and again. I didn't expect it would take my breath away like it did. But it did. And I am sort of surprised. Or not really. I feel like I am dealing just fine. Although my dealing may be more like pushing down my feelings, something I don't usually do. Or maybe this is just how it's going to be, random attacks of breathlessness. Or randomly feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. Or random pieces of my heart breaking.

I don't fucking know.

What I do know is that it has only been a month and a half since our miscarriage. A month and a half since we called it quits on any more fertility treatments.

So yeah...I'm dealing...the best way I know how.



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Just a little venting

It's been a while since my last post. And in all honesty, I'm having a tough time writing lately.

What's been happening emotionally is I can feel myself going through the grieving stages. Don't get me wrong, I am doing pretty well, and I have learned and am embracing how freakin' strong I truly am. However, I wouldn't be true to myself though, if I didn't feel and express what I needed to, which are lately anger and blame. Not a lot, but just enough to need to vent.

The blame, well, I still feel somewhat responsible for my miscarriage, like I did something wrong. I know it doesn't make sense but, I have come to learn that it is normal to feel this way. When my dad died, I was 12 years old and blamed myself too. It took me well into my adult years and my stubborn head to get that it was cancer not me.

The anger though is kind of a funny one. I'm angry, obviously about the miscarriage itself, but I am also angry with some family and friends. Ok, maybe disappointed or hurt is a better word. I don't really know how I expected others to take this news, but what I am so surprised at is how others have responded OR lack there of.

I understand everyone is busy, that everyone has their own life and their own families to worry about. I also get that infertility makes people uncomfortable and sometimes you may not know what to say. Not asking for pity, but you can ask how we're doing? You can acknowledge, that I was pregnant and then I wasn't and that it sucks. You can even email me or text me. It's that easy.

Yes, I realize I cannot control others and I shouldn't expect anything, ever and that I am not truly be angry at them, just angry.

Truth be told infertility and miscarriage can be a lonely place.

HOWEVER...Like I said earlier, I am doing well. Just needed to vent is all. And now that I have, I feel better.

Peace out.

A new chapter

Well, I survived mother's day. It wasn't too bad. Only a couple times did I have to hold back tears, but all in all it was a beautiful day. I'm glad it's over though.

Moving on...

Back when we were in year 2 of our fertility treatments, I decided I wanted to challenge myself and learn to run (hope to lose some weight along the way). And after running my first 10 k race, I was excited to turn it up a notch and train for a half marathon. However, I was advised otherwise. My RE and nurse said it was too intense for my body, and especially given that I had never done one before. So, I stopped. But clearly it wouldn't have mattered either way because all treatments failed regardless.

So here we are today, our fertility journey done and I'm like a lost puppy. For 4 years all I've known is fertility everything. I need to find myself again because I got lost. I admit, I probably should have found some balance, but I didn't. Mostly.

I am beginning a new journey though. Setting a new goal. Starting a new chapter. I am officially training for a half marathon. I am in different place mentally and I'm ready. I haven't been this excited about something in a long time. I know it's going to be tough, but in comparison to infertility, endometriosis and failed treatments, I will survive.

The race I am registered for is the Toronto waterfront half marathon. It's going to be amazing. The waterfront is beautiful and the energy at these large venues are always buzzing.

I can do this.

Superwoman

I almost made it this year to be included.

Today I dedicate this post to all the women struggling with infertility and loss.

Here's to all the amazing women with babies in their hearts and tiny angels in heaven.

We are brave. We are strong. We are courageous. We are more than a woman.

Live with that

Although it's only been 2 weeks since our miscarriage, it feels like forever ago. I suppose because it has been a long 4 years of living cycle to cycle that has finally come to an end. I am dealing trying to deal with my 'all over the place' emotions. I am scatter brained, self medicating and gaining weight on top of the weight that I gained with the hormones (that's my excuse). I am having vivid dreams of babies. Babies born with half a head or no brain (although I'm pretty sure that vision is courtesy of a Private Practice episode I recently watched). I hear babies crying and crying and crying, surrounding me and hearing it's my fault. Very disturbing. And of course, I can't forget the dream of miscarriages happening to pregnant women who hang around with me (although in reality I wouldn't be hanging around them anyway).

Lovely isn't it? I realize I am not the only woman to have experienced this. But it has happened. And like I said in my previous post, a miscarriage just never occurred to me. I've over analyzed everything from the moment we decided to start a family to the endometriosis diagnosis to the first visit to our fertility clinic to the last call I got from the nurse and everything in between. I have replayed each cycle we ever did, medicated, all our IUI's and our 1 and only IVF. I think about the way 2012 began, its perfect timing of everything and my word of the year.
Could I have done anything different? Should I have done anything different? Would it have even made a difference?

Probably not. Because of the way the universe works, I'm confident the outcome would've been the same. I get that. And that's what I need to keep reminding myself. There's a whole new world waiting for me, for us.

I will heal, I'm sure I will. It is this thought that breaks me the most though...

It is MY body that is not in baby making or keeping form, but my heart hurts most for the man I love, the man I am crazy about, who's body IS in baby making form.

Do you understand what I am saying?

Live with that.

I'm still here

Next week we have our followup appointment with our Doctor. She will explain or hopefully shed some light on what all just went down. I don't really know what I am expecting out of the appointment. Mostly closure I suppose. As I've mentioned in previous posts this was going to be our last fertility treatment of any kind. And it is. And I am good with that. It's been a long 4 years of doctor appointments, surgeries, procedures, cycles and everything fertility. For most of our married life, it's all we've known (our 5 year anniversary is in November). I'd like to be a newlywed again. Enjoy each other. Infertility has a way of tearing a couple apart or bringing them closer together. I am blessed that for us, it has brought us closer in ways that most other couples will never experience, except we lost the spontaneity. We will have fun getting that back though.

I also lost a bit of myself. What I mean is, I was so consumed by our cycles that, that's all I did. It's all I thought about. So now, with no monitoring of anything going on, I am left to my own vices. Scary, but as My Love put it, "This is a fresh start. Do whatever I want". He's such a smarty pants.

I will admit, in my mind as each cycle was coming to an end, it was either going to work and we'd have a baby in 9 months or it just wasn't. There was no grey. And even though, I knew I'd be considered high risk, a miscarriage NEVER entered my mind. Naive of me, I know. But it just didn't. And that's why I am struggling. I knew, as heartbroken as I would be a negative IVF cycle, is still a negative. I thought I had prepared myself for the worst. But I didn't.

However all that being said, I will allow myself to feel everything I need to feel and then move on. I am grateful for all that I do have. I will never forget or take advantage of that. I may never be the same person I was before infertility, but I will be a better one.

Endometriosis makes you strong. Infertility makes you courageous. Miscarriage makes you wise.

Dear Baby Beans

I realized something today, although it was rough,  I really was pregnant.  I still need to acknowledge that, even if it was just for a very short period of time. And maybe at 5 weeks, it wasn't quite a 'baby' yet, but the embryos were ours. A part of My Love and a part of me. So real to us.

Dear Baby Beans, 

It's ok that you couldn't stick around. Just know that we loved you and the very thought of you both. 

Please be our guardian Bean Angels now. 

Mommy & Daddy

xoxoxo

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It's over

And just like that it's over.

My beta yesterday went down to 39.

At 5 weeks, I had a miscarriage.

After 4 years of infertility, I am raw.

I have been defeated.

I am done.

Beta #4

It's the name of my blog. The reason I began this blog.

THIS is THE defining moment of all moments.

The nurse said to me today, she didn't want to give me false hope. That I need to be prepared for Wednesday's beta because it is not looking good. This took my breath away.

Today's beta did not double. It barely went up. From 127 to 143.

So, it's either almost all over OR we will all be witness to a miracle.

I'm exhausted.

Beta #3

I was surprised. Shocked actually. My third beta was 127. This is good. It's getting better. But I just can't seem to shake this disbelief. I don't know if it's all the shitty symptoms I have that don't really coincide with a healthy pregnancy. The bleeding still. The pain still. Or that 4 years of infertility has done some serious damage. I can't seem to get excited, at least not yet. Even the nurse said to me yesterday to keep taking it one day at a time.

I will return tomorrow morning for beta test #4. What I am really holding out for now is the ultrasound. The ultrasound to me is even scarier than the initial pregnancy test. It's really a viability test. Will there be a heartbeat? That's all I keep thinking. I was told that this will happen around 6 weeks BUT my hcg level needs to be in the 1000's first. So, again we wait. 

Anyway, we went to see The Hunger Games last night. I Loved it. Every minute of it. And as I watched the movie, I couldn't help but relate a couple quotes to infertility (I know, but that's what I do).

So, I will leave you with these:

"Hope is the only thing stronger than fear" & of course,

"May the odds be ever be in your favour"

Fingers crossed

Here's a quick update and then it's back to the couch for me.

Good news is my hcg level has more than doubled. It is now at 46. Yay!!

Scary news is I am still in so much pain and bleeding tons. We are not sure why and it's too early for an ultrasound.

So, it is still a wait and see 'til my next blood test on Saturday morning. But it's looking better.

I just want to get excited, but can't do it just yet.

Please stick baby! Please stick!

A second line

Just when you think it's all over...It's not.

Today I am 9dp5dt. I woke up this morning in pain. My lower back was hurting, cramps were stabbing and yes there was still blood. But, since I am officially obsessed with hpts and I still have 2 more, I figured I might as well take one, don't want them to go to waste.

And there it was. A second line. A pale second line. A positive test. WTF right? I thought I was seeing things, I mean none of this makes sense. I feel like I am going crazy.

I called the clinic and they told me to come in right away to test. Of course, with the symptoms I am having, they are afraid of an early miscarriage.


My blood work results show a positive, but a very low beta hcg level of 17. Not such a great number. This number now has to continue to double every 48 hours. I will return Thursday morning for another blood test.

Not sure how to feel. But the ride continues.

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You

Happy birthday My Love.

Today we celebrate you. The wonderful you that you are. The you I could not live without. The you that loves me unconditionally. The you that I will grow old with. The hilarious you I adore. The strong you I admire.

Because today nothing else matters but you.

Happy Birthday

What a joke

We are taking in our computer to be repaired today. We haven't had much luck with them in the past year but that's another story. I'm not sure when we will have it back to give you my updates and IVF status.

But I will leave you with this for now...

It is 6dp5dt.

My beta test is Wednesday, 10dp5dt.

Yesterday morning I felt a bit of cramping.

This morning I woke up to blood.

I am pretty sure this is the beginning of the end.


I caved and bought tons of home pregnancy tests...

Because HOPE told me to do so.

So there I was this morning buying pads, pantyliner and pregnancy tests.

What a joke.

symptoms or progesterone?

Last night getting ready for bed, there it was again. Blood. Whatever. At least there wasn't any this morning. I am going in today for blood work. Just routine progesterone check, and you can bet I will be harassing the nurse about my bleeding. Although I know what she will say. I may even ask her what the grades were of our 2 embryos we transferred. I never did ask on Sunday, too nervous for details.

So at 4dp5dt I am stupid tired. Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep is taking a toll on me. I know you may say it's a preg symptom but I had this in past cycles as well (and sleeping has never been my forte).

I am also a bit nauseous. Now this too could be a side effect of the progesterone overload I am on. At 3 suppositories per day up my vah jay jay, ya that's a lot. Or could be a preg symptom.

My boobs are so sore. Like if you hug me, I may punch you. Symptom? Or like previously experienced progesterone side effect?

What else can I say? At this point, even with bleeding I hold a glimmer of hope. And why not right?

It ain't over til the fat lady sings...maybe I'll be the fat lady... in 9 months

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3dp5dt

So, I've been pretty good since the embryo transfer. Not overly obsessing every feeling I get. I haven't been google-ing all day on what my symptoms should be at any given point. Which is really good for me.

That all stopped this morning.

*warning tmi ahead* kinda.

I woke up this morning and there was blood. Not the brown kind, but the pinky red kind. Not a little bit, but quite a bit. It really didn't last too long, but I have been spotting and cramping on and off since Monday.

So, according to Dr.Google this could be implantation bleeding. Which would make it right on track with my handy dandy chart. At this point the embryo is attaching deeper into the uterine lining. Which would lead to a BFP.

But according to my past treatments this is also right on track. I spotted. A lot. And often. I cramped with low back pain too. Which lead to BFN.

I guess this is just another hurry up and wait moment that infertility is so infamous for. Cruel.

Crap, I could totally use a glass a wine right now. But I can't. Also cruel.

Some ramblings

Today is my second day post 5 day transfer or 2dp5dt. Not that I'm counting.

I have managed to keep busy, but not over exert myself. My Love has been amazing!! Doing everything and getting whatever it is I want or need. Best husband ever.

I have found this chart which gives us the daily embryo development. It's pretty cool and is posted on our fridge of course.

I still haven't decided if I'm going to POAS (pee on a stick) before the blood test.

Today I watched a few episodes of  'A Baby Story'. Not sure if it was a good idea. Seeing the women in labour made me want to puke. In one of the stories, it was the couples second IVF and they were having triplets. Yikes! That was a bit much.

Also, I've decided I'd like to paint our kitchen, family room and hallway. Soon, not now obviously. So, looking for ideas.

Thats all for now.

Back to my book.

2 beautiful embryos

Yesterday we transferred 2 beautiful embryos.The actual procedure took all of 7 minutes, if that, but it was one of the most intense and amazing 7 minutes of my life. It was so very formal and our embryologist repeatedly confirmed our embryos belong to us. He stood there from behind a pass through window and waited to pass our embryos to the nurse who would then pass them to our doctor.

The embryologist reminded me of the wizard from The Wizard of Oz. From behind the curtain, he worked his magic. And magic it was.

We all watched on the ultrasound screen as the catheter was inserted into my uterus. Then we all watched as the embryos made their way through the catheter and were released into my uterus. 1 and then 2. The whole room cheered! Yes actually cheered. They cheered, I cried. Our doctor said it was perfect.

And it was perfect. We stayed for another 30 minutes. Once we were able to leave we decided on a different route home. Not planned, but I realized this would take us right pass the cemetery where my dad's buried. We stopped briefly as it just felt so right to do so. I know my dad is watching as the events of our fertility journey unfold.

I feel him with the rest of my angels, hugging me, guiding me, loving me.

Now the waiting begins. Again.

And I just got the call that our third embryo didn't make it.

Nothing to freeze.

Then there were 3

Tomorrow is our embryo transfer day.

We now have 3 embryos left that have made it thus far.

The 'quality' or 'grade' has yet to be determined (well it's determined, I just don't know what they are right now).

It's all surreal.

I will keep you posted.

Our experience

Tuesday was quite the day. It was somewhat of a blur! On our way to the clinic, about to park the car, My Love got a stupid ticket. We made a left turn to follow the large P sign and didn't realize there was a time restriction on that turn. Blah. I feel pretty bad because I wasn't a very good look out passenger, just a very follicle filled, nervous one.

Anyway, once we arrived it took no time at all to get registered and change and prepped. There was another couple just ahead of us, this was their fourth IVF and their first resulted in a daughter.

Just before we were about to go in, my doctor came to see me. She laughed at me because apparently I had, "I'm freaking out" all of my face. Lucky for her I have a great sense of humour because her laughing almost warranted a punch in the face.

I went pee one last time before the procedure and then the nurse brought me into the room. My Love was already there with the doctor and 4 others, nurses and ultrasound tech. Once on the bed before I knew it, it was scoot down, spread 'em and spotlight (My Love got a kick out of the massive spotlight on my va jay jay). The doctor was ready and I hadn't even got my pain meds or my sedative. The timing was off on that for sure because I felt everything AND I'm pretty sure the dosage sucked because it didn't last.

During the procedure, we watched as the fluid was aspirated out of each follicle, at this point is the egg detaches from the follicle wall and is sucked out of the ovary. It was pretty amazing to be able to see the process. Science and medicine are a beautiful thing.

My recovery wasn't too bad. I was pretty sore though and received a lovely pain killer injection afterwards. Once we got home, I cuddled on the couch with my blanket and pillow, while trying to watch Ellen.

Our embryo transfer day is scheduled for Sunday.

As of today this is our embryo progress report...

Tuesday - we retrieved 7 eggs
Wednesday - of our 7 eggs, 5 were mature & 5 fertilized.
Thursday - of our 5 embryos, 1 embryo has stopped growing. We now have 4 embryos.

Hang in there my little embryos!

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Egg retrieval day

Today is egg retrieval day.

That's all.

I'll fill you in later on how everything went.

I can barely make a sentence right now, I am so nervous & anxious & emotional.

A day in the life

So here we are on day 8 and I am ready to get this show on the road. I am sore, bloated and moody. Sure, maybe that doesn't sound any different than normal BUT multiply that by a million...and the moody party by a trillion.

Trying to keep the positive vibes flowing, while being injected with concentrated levels of hormones is not my idea of fun. And once again I am reminded how infertility sucks ass.

On a lighter note, as much as infertility does suck ass I cannot deny it does not disappoint in the life lessons area. One (of quite a few) that keeps showing face is patience. And wow are my patience being tried. I suppose they have been for about 4 years now.

A day in the life of an IVF  or any cycle monitored visit...

Each time I need to travel to the clinic I awake early enough to beat the traffic. Usually. I rush to get ready and leave so my almost hour commute isn't an almost 2 hour commute. It usually works out for me. Once I am there, I sign in and I wait to have my blood work done. Then, I sign in and I wait to have my ultrasound done (that's where I meet up with my boyfriend again, "Mr.Wand"). Then I wait for the nurse, we go into her office and discuss my ultrasound results.
Finally I leave. The waiting continues until the blood results are in and that's when the nurse will call me. She will then give me the go ahead as planned with the dosage or give me different directions for the evening and tell me when to return.

Then I do it all again...

That's just the beginning of our  HURRY UP & WAIT GAME.

Day 5

Here we are, Day 5 on our IVF chart. The injections aren't too bad. It helps that the needles aren't that big. My Love has been giving them to me, which I totally prefer and I think he does too. It's his way of being physically involved as much as he can and I haven't had the nerve yet to stick myself.

On our day 1 we started off with 9 tiny follicles, a smaller cyst and as of yesterday we had 14 follicles and a still shrinking cyst. Yay! That's all I really know. I haven't asked for great details or if that's too much too soon or what the exact numbers are for my blood results. So far I haven't wanted to know. I figure the more I know the more obsessive I will become (shocking right?).  I will return to the clinic for ultrasound and blood work again. I'll ask for details tomorrow though.

This time last year we were heading into our last medicated IUI cycle. That was a tough cycle in every way. But this a completely different cycle that will end with a completely different result.

I hope.

It will.

I pray.

Here we go

I just took my first hormone injection. Well, I had to have My love give it to me.

Yup we are good to go and I can't believe it's about that time. Finally. I'm sort of at a loss for words right now and I cannot quite describe how I am feeling. Is that weird?

After almost 4 years of trying, here we are. At the door to a place I said I'd never go to.

But we are here and here we go.

And I'll never say never again.

Happy post #19

Happy post #19

Happiness is completion. It's finishing what you've started.

When I first thought of this, I was thinking more that I have completed my challenge of #19 happy posts. But the more I thought about it, completion really pertains to every part of life. Sure it may be a book you've started or a lingering project you keep meaning to get done, but it could also be an unresolved issue or feelings that you haven't dealt with. Or maybe a situation you may be avoiding. It may even be a life lesson you just haven't grasped yet.

It feels good to have closure or completion regardless of what it may be. See the experience, lesson, project, challenge that you started, for what it is. Complete it and move on. Learn from it and grow. Allow for your next experience or lesson to present itself and accept it. And in doing so, the clutter in your mind, heart and home will slowly dissolve. Now that's happiness.

Happy post#18

Happy post #18

Happiness is getting a good night sleep.

I usually wake up half way through the night, need to pee, get a sip of water, check the time, adjust the heat, steal the covers, fluff my pillow, count down the days to IVF, check that my alarm clock is set, think about what colour I'd like to paint the kitchen, losing 10 pounds, wanting to go on a vacation, think of baby names, wonder if we will have twins and, well you get the idea. But every now and again when I can turn my mind off (which I am getting better at) it is heavenly. Waking up so refreshed and well rested is truly priceless. Also, makes for a more content me.

I don't do naps though. Just not a big fan, no matter how tired I may be. My Love, on the other hand though, loves naps. I tell him naps are for whimps and babies.

Stupid bcp & Happy post #17

Holy crap. This stupid birth control pill is killing me. The side effects are ridiculous and have made me straight up evil. (I'm sorry My Love for snapping at you for the past couple weeks and I know it's not your fault Grey's Anatomy was a repeat AGAIN last night) Tomorrow I will take my last bcp. Amen to that. HOWEVER, in one week we will begin hormone injections. I am pretty sure those side effects will be a little more intense and probably more Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde -esque. Maybe. Probably. More than likely.

On the flip side, my happy posts have been serving their purpose. Helping me focus on happy thoughts. And with that...

Happy post #17

Happiness is contagious. It's true, here's proof. And don't you just feel better being around people who are happy, positive and smiling? I do. I feel lighter and more optimistic even.

So, who wouldn't want to be around people who will bring you up, not take you down with them. Just makes sense.

I say, find happy people and don't talk to grumps.

That's all.

Happy post #16

Happy post #16

Happiness is freedom.  It's all yours for the taking. It's a choice. Sometimes life sucks and being happy isn't "easy". It's a simple concept. Really.

My point is ...Happiness is in our nature. We all want it no matter where you come from. And we have the freedom to be happy. We are free to make changes, make better choices to become happier. To dream whatever it is we want to dream. To do or not to do anything or nothing at all. We have this freedom. Knowing and realizing that is powerful. To practice that is courageous.

the secret of happiness is freedom. And the secret of freedom courage.

-thucydides (471 bc-400 BC)

Happy Post #15

Happy post # 15

Happiness is dancing. Just like the kind where no one's watching...or watching, who cares really. Dancing is so freeing. I love to dance. You feel so alive. And the best part is you don't even have to be good at it to enjoy it and have fun.

When I was growing up I took dance lessons. Years and years of tap and jazz. Tap was my favourite, I continued on longer with it. I loved wearing my tap shoes. All. The. Time. and mostly in the house on the hardwood floors. I ruined my parent's hardwood floors, but what can I say, I was a tap dancing machine and hardwood floors were my friend. So invigorating. I miss you tap shoes.


Hmmm, I wonder if I can find an adult tap classes to take.
What do ya think?

Happy post #14

Happy post #14

Happiness is love. Of course it is! I usually go on and on about how love will always save the day. And it does. Because when all else fails...there is only love.

I know, cheesy. But I'm just that sort of girl.

A bit of 'whine' and happy post #13

I've been slacking on my Happy posts. I will do 19 of them,  just as I said I would challenge myself to. And a challenge it has been.

Even though I've been crazy busy, I'd be lying if I said that was the main reason for my slackness. I'm having a difficult time coming up with more happy posts. I mean, it really shouldn't be so hard. But it sort of is. And I feel horrible about it. I feel like I'm ungrateful for the amazing things I have in my life. I do have so much to be happy about. But the shitty things are really shitty. I guess. But not really, really.

Maybe the stupid birth control pill I'm on isn't helping my mood and hormones (it didn't agree with me in the past and it's not now). That's my excuse.

I sound like a brat. Really? I totally sound like a suck. Don't you think?

Suck it up buttercup. Tomorrow is another day.

HAPPY POST #13
Happiness is...in the eye of the beholder.

Happy post #11 & #12

Although we've had a pretty mild winter, I am soooo ready for spring. Springtime brings on freshness, flowers and what else?...SPRING CLEANING! Which I love to do.

It's the time where everyone starts to get rid of things from clothes to furniture. The closets, basements and garages get organized and purged, which only leads to...drum roll please...GARAGE SALES!

That is why #11 & #12 go hand in hand.



HAPPY POST #11

Happiness is cleaning. I know sounds weird but it feels so good! To clean, organize, get rid of stuff. Ahhh I just love it.













HAPPY POST #12

Happiness is finding someone else's trash that you can treasure. Garage sales. Yard sales. Upcycling. Making something old new again. I better sharpen up my best price negotiating skills.

Cleaning our space, having our garage sale and then going to other garage sales = FUN.

Or counter productive is what My Love likes to call it. But he's not a big fan of other peoples "junk".






AND I know what you are thinking..."she is quite the life of the party".

Update and happy post #10

Update on the cycle front...

-cyst is getting smaller (thank you birth control pills)
-had my sonohysterogram...good looking uterus (well, thank you doc), but lining is a bit thick
-injection lessons ...not so bad. The needles were not as big as I thought they may be

Our next visit to the clinic, March 15th, will be the deciding visit on whether we move forward as planned. As long as the cyst is going away and blood work is fine, injections will begin on March 16th.

We are so close.

HAPPY POST #10

Happiness is being thankful. Having gratitude for all that I have. I have the best family in the world, amazing friends, a wonderful husband. I am grateful for this beautiful country we live in, having a bed to sleep in, a car to drive, and the sun that rises daily.

Each day I am grateful for something new. And each day something new always presents itself.

Happy post #9

HAPPY POST #9


Happiness is...reality television. Yeah, that's right. I said it. I'm a reality t.v. junkie. And tonight one of my favourite shows are on. Survivor. Ohh ya, ohh ya! Don't you love the challenges? Jeff Probst? And the way the game makes people go all crraazzyy?? I would suck on the show. Probably be voted off first.

I also love The Amazing Race. And if Canadians would be allowed to on that show, My Love and I would be all over it!

What reality shows do you love?

Acupuncture and Happy post #8

My acupuncture appointment was interesting. The doctor was nice, very traditional, as in the 'traditional Chinese medicine' sense. The office wasn't fancy, quite basic with jars and jars of medicine and herbs behind the counter. I'm not sure what I was expecting (a spa-like treatment would've been nice). My consultation didn't take very long. Doc hmmm'ed and hahh'ed and his English wasn't the best, but I understood. After my first session was over, I still had questions. He didn't really explain what 'deficiencies' he thought I had or where the imbalances were. And that's what I wanted to know ( I mean seriously, what was I going to go home and tell Dr.Google if I had no clue)!

So, before I left I asked and asked and asked. And he told and told and told.

He told me where the deficiencies were. He also told me if he had 6 months with me, he felt maybe IVF may not have been necessary, that he would've prescribe traditional Chinese meds and herbs as well as acupuncture (he cannot not now because of IVF meds). And before I could freak out inside, he looked me in the eye and reassured me by saying..."but it's ok. It's still good because my acupuncture will help your IVF get you a baby".

And with that, I booked my next appointment and went on my way. As I walked to the car, I felt great. Everything inside me felt 'open'. I could breath so deeply. It was an awesome feeling. I'm hooked.

HAPPY POST # 8

Happiness is believing. It's believing that I am doing the best with what I've got. It's believing that I am exactly where I am suppose to be. It's believing that everything is going to be the way it is meant to be...and happiness is believing... his acupucture will help my IVF get me a baby .

Happy post #7

I meant to post this last night as my #7...sheesh, my daily post challenge is tough. Anyway, here it is...

I finally found an acupuncturist that I feel comfortable enough with to book my consult and begin treatments. I must have gone to 5 different places in the pass week and none gave me the right vibe. You know that feeling you get when it just feels right. He answered all my questions with confidence and asurrance. My appointment is booked for tomorrow today. Yippee!!!! All my puzzle pieces are coming together.

HAPPY POST #7

Happiness is the feeling of empowerment. It's making a well educated decision or going with a well felt intuition, however you wish to describe it. It's the decision to support and choose your self. It's listening to that inner voice and that distinct gut vibe.
Throughout all these infertility years, I have learned (with much help, of course) that I cannot control everything...or anything for that matter. I realize there is a time and place for everything. And when that time and place comes, I will know that I did everything right, for me.

Happy post #5 & #6

I seemed to have missed posting my happy posts #5 and #6, on Saturday and Sunday. Oops! I suppose I was just soooo busy being happy. 

It was a super busy weekend. Saturday I worked and Sunday was all about our bathroom renovation.

So, I am going to cheat a bit and do a double happy post.

HAPPY POST #5 AND #6

Happiness is spending time with the one you love. Which is exactly what I did this weekend. After work on Saturday, My Love and I made dinner together and chatted (my favourite during our dinner prep). Then we cuddled (well, it was My Love's version of cuddling, not mine, but I'll take it) up on the couch and watched (ok, My Love watched, I fell asleep on his shoulder) a movie. Don't you just love it? So cozy.

Then the happiness continued on Sunday, when we finalized our bathroom colour, made a trip to The Home Depot and returned home where the transforming of our bathroom began. That totally makes me happy!

Hope you had a wonderful weekend spending time with the ones you love!

Happy post #4

I have a day off work today. A day I will spend catching up on some blogs, trying a new recipe, and of course laundry. I did plan to head out to do some running around (which always includes hitting up my fav store Homesense) but it's also a snow day here in my neck of the woods. Not sure if I'll head out, I'm a wimp in this weather.

HAPPY POST #4


Happiness is having a stay in your pajama's, new recipe trying, figure out what colour to paint your bathroom, listening to a new meditation cd, amazon shopping sort of day.

ahhh, this is the life.

Peace out.

Happy post #3

The scent and vibe of a new season approaching gets me excited -that's what it felt like today. And each season brings it's own lovliness. I feel like it's always a great time to start something new or maybe make some changes or simply try again, re evaluate.





HAPPY POST #3

Happiness is being able to start fresh...your way. It's knowing when to call it a day. To allow yourself to choose your next adventure when it's time to do so.
This may not sound like happiness to some, or may not even make sense. But since struggling with infertility for almost 4 years and what feels like putting our lives on hold too,  this makes a whole lot of sense to me. Do you get what I'm saying?

Happy Post #2

Music makes my heart sing. Especially when I hear that perfect song at that perfect moment.
I did this morning, while driving to our clinic.

HAPPY POST #2

Happiness is a song. It's the words in a song you can feel in your heart. It's the beat of the music that soothes your soul.

And this song was my happiness this morning...listen to it...hear the words...feel the song...you'll see why.

(ok, warm and fuzzy with a side of happy tears)





And so it begins

First of all, what do I really know about IVF cycles. In my mind the birth control pill was 28 days, but everything is different in the world of IVF. Therefore, after receiving my timeline chart I need to amend my 28 day happiness challenge. I don't start the pill 'til tomorrow but, I'll still count yesterday as day 1 and continue 'til I stop the pill. It is now a 19 day happiness challenge (happy post #2 will follow).

So let me begin by saying this cycle has started off with a bang. Yesterday, I was all pixie dust and fairy tales and today back to reality. I almost  forgot the roller coaster ride that comes with cycling, but I was quickly reminded today. I can already see it. This cycle is going to be very interesting (and that's the best word I could come up with while attempting to stay on the positive train).

For today, CD 2 found a 3.8 cm cyst on my left ovary. I'm pretty sure I had that there presurgery. So why was it not removed during surgery. I'm confused. OR is it possible this is a new cyst that has grown since? But it's only been 3 1/2  weeks post surgery.

Moving on. I received my timeline chart/plan for our cycle and was told I'd get a call if anything was up with my blood work. If no call, just follow the chart. Easy peasy. On my way out I asked if the results of My Love's sperm chromatin test results were in. I was told no. Alright then, on my way.

It was not even 10 minutes and I received a call from the nurse. She told me there was a misunderstanding in their office and My Love's sperm was never sent to the proper lab for that type of analysis (which is different than the other semen analysis' he's completed). So, another sample will be needed asap. Needless to say, My Love was not happy.

Again moving on. About an hour after that call, I received another one. It was about my blood work. Turns out my prolactin hormone level is too high and I need medication for that immediately. Off to the pharmacy I went. The ironic thing is, and after having a mini consult with Dr. Google, it's screaming me...symptoms, pituitary gland, and everything else from that link. The med for this I will be taking is called bromocriptine . The side effects all sound a bit scary...except for the increased libido...I could totally use some of that. And where was this pill during our other cycles?!

 Quite the day, eh?

She's heeerre

FINALLY.

Cycle day 1.

I will be going tomorrow morning to have baseline blood work done, ultrasound and we'll take it from there (I'm not really sure what else). I will also start the birth control pill (as long as blood work says I really am cd 1).

Crap my heart is racing. We are actually doing this. It's on....count down to IVF. 

In an attempt to stay focused (or distracted) and make the next 28 birth control pill days go by super fast, I am giving myself a challenge. A 28 day happiness challenge. Daily posts of happy things.

So, if this is going to be CD 1...

HAPPY POST #1

Starting a brand new cycle.

In the beginning of a new cycle hope is renewed and positivity is flowing. That feeling of "this is it", "this is the cycle" takes over. It's a good vibe. I'll accept it.

Yoga dvd

I am on the hunt for a good yoga dvd. I realize there are so many different types so I am unsure on what to try first. I've been to few classes in the past...that's all.

Does anyone have any suggestions?
What yoga dvds do you own?

Happy Valentine's day

Happy Valentine's Day world.

I've never really been a big fan of Valentine's day. I know, strange coming from someone who believes love will cure the world. I suppose it's the thought of all that energy being spent for just one day, when using even a bit of that energy throughout the year makes for a much better relationship. Make sense?

It's a really good thing that I do feel this way...because My Love is soooooo Anti-Valentine's day. Believing that a good pair of running shoes are way more romantic practical than a dozen roses and money better spent. I agree.
However, don't get me wrong please, I'm still in love with love... always. And even more so in love with the 'day after Valentine's day' chocolate sales.

And just for fun... Here's some surprising facts about Valentine's day (my favourite being that the month of March and pregnancy tests go hand in hand).

Hope you have a LOVE-ly day.

Sam Cooke - Cupid

Tiny angel

Just stumbled upon this blog. And there I read the most beautiful story. It's a story that is traditionally told at this school to each child on their birthday about how they came to the earth.

"The story goes that a tiny angel up in heaven looks down onto the Earth and longs to be a part of all that is going on. That angel then goes on a journey to the stars who give the gift of the colour of their hair. Then to the moon who gives the colour of their eyes. Finally they leave their wings behind for safe keeping and head out across the rainbow bridge, which brings them down to the Earth. When they reach the end of the bridge there is a family waiting to meet them and welcome them and to give the greatest gift of all. The gift of their name."

One day I will tell that very story...

But until then my tiny angel, I'll be waiting for you at the end of the rainbow bridge. 

News flash

NEWS FLASH!

I have changed my heading.

So instead of ... the good. the bad. the infertile.
it is now...the good. the bad. the road to IVF.

I figured maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. I'm not infertile. Just fertility challenged (thank you endometriosis). Everything that has happened, or has not happened has lead me here, on this road to IVF.

And this is where I am. And this is where I am meant to be. And while I am here, I will do my best to accept and embrace what is. Because what this is, is my life. I may not be able to change some aspects of  my life, but I can change the way I see it. I wouldn't have chosen this route, but I was given this way and I wouldn't change it now (ok maybe I would change it so I win the lottery).

I have learned things that I may never have learned if it wasn't for this road. I have felt emotions that words cannot describe. I truly appreciate the little things more, like Sunday morning's sleep in, the crisp, fresh feel of fall and I always hold that welcoming hug from my beautiful niece just a bit longer.

Kind, gentle words matter. Thoughtfulness and gratitude will always bring me back to reality. My Sunday visits with my family are priceless. Love is the most important thing.

I'm learning to have an open heart. Always. With everything that life throws at me I need to see it through the eyes of Love. That's not easy. Not easy at all. I'm trying.

Then there's a whole blogging world out there that I have discovered because of this road to IVF. And I LOVE IT. A place to vent and feel safe. A place to read other stories. It's a not so lonely place. There are fellow bloggers who support and comment (please keep them coming, I love them) and who follow me (and please follow me...who doesn't love to see their number of followers grow, it's a wonderful feeling to know others are reading my story too). And I adore, support and follow right back.

So, where was I going with this....

Oh right, I've changed my heading. And maybe I'm looking at this all wrong...

because all these defining moments lead to the road to IVF.

What stress?

So typical. So easily frazzled I can get.

Wednesday was a big appointment day at the clinic. And as usual, my not so graceful self, had My Love and I believing this psychologist appointment was a pass or fail test ... a "check this box if the infertiles are also crazies" type meeting.

Not so much either. It was a rather refreshing little chat. The psych doc asked us questions and gave us scenarios. We each took turns answering and I must admit I quite enjoyed hearing the answers from My Love. It just reminded me of that solid foundation we have...even as opposite as we may be sometimes. I needed that reminder.

The IVF protocol appointment wasn't that either.  It was more a pre-IVF protocol appointment. The actual appointment is still to come.

Clearly a newbie to the IVF club.

We have a plan in place. And I have never wanted Aunt Flo to arrive as much as I do now. (GET HERE ALREADY BITCH!!). Because as soon as she gets here, I am going on the birth control pill.  Just for one cycle. And then it will all begin.

Injections. Hormones. Hope.

I AM SO EXCITED. I AM SO SCARED.

The doctor said this will be one of the most difficult and trying things we will ever do and the main thing is to KEEP STRESS LEVEL DOWN. I think back to all my IUI cycles. I was a freak. It was not pretty. 

I am so thankful for the many fertility blogs I follow. And the new ones I often stumble upon. Makes everything not so lonely and scary.

So...any suggestions on this whole stress level business? What sort of things did you do to pass the very slow IVF time?

Git 'R Done

Hard to believe just last Thursday I was on my way to pre-admin for surgery the next day.

Also hard to believe I'm still pretty sore AND I've managed to schedule our IVF protocol and psychologist appointment (a required evaluation for any couple choosing IVF...hope we pass...teehee) for Wednesday.

That's right for To.Morr.Ow. Less than 1 week post laproscopic "endometriosis you suck" surgery. Although surgery was a better than imagined outcome. So take that endometriosis.

I mean business. Not wasting any time here. No more playing games.

I'm gonna keep the positive mojo flowing and the laws of attraction attracting.








Ummm actually, now that I think about it...can anyone shed some light on what to expect on this protocol appointment? Better yet...how about pointers on passing a psych evaluation.

24 hours later

I'm here, 24 hours post surgery.

Yesterday was such a blur. Getting up at 4:00 a.m. to be at the hospital for check in at 6:30 a.m. for scheduled surgery at 8:45 a.m.

As My Love and I made our way to what is called "The Urban Angel" hospital, tears just kept streaming down my face. I wasn't sobbing. Just crying. It was me releasing the best way my body and heart knew how to. We drove in silence hand in hand. I was scared. But once we got there an overwhelming sensation of calmness took over. Literally. After having my blood pressure and heartbeat taken, the doctor commented, "for someone who is about to go into surgery your resting heartbeat is really low, you must be calm."

Ok for those of you who actually know me, calm is not the first word that is often used to describe me.

My Love just figured it was me accepting whatever the end result was going to be. And of course, that this surgery was going to be done and over with soon enough.

And it was. And it was amazing news. It was news I didn't expect to hear. The doctor came to see us and as she had put it, she's never really seen anything like it. "Everything looks pristine. It's as if the endometriosis has stopped growing. Only a few spots on your ovaries, which I removed. The bladder and bowel still look the same as before, so no new growth. A sample was taken for biopsy, which is normal. This is great news. I'll see you in 6 weeks".

What? What did she say? I was still pretty groggy and tired from the anaesthetic. So I had it repeated to me over and over and over again. The whole ride home and then this morning too. Could it be that IVF is truly our next step?

Yes. It. Is.

First thing Monday morning, I will call to make our IVF protocol appointment.

And as I'm sitting here writing this, a flashback of a tattoo one of the nurses had on his wrist comes to mind.

4:13

And then a song I couldn't get out of my head yesterday.

And it's not just the painkillers talking.

The call

It's been quite an interesting week to say the least.

I received my results, prescription and diet suggestions from my naturopath. And she has discovered another piece to my ever growing infertility puzzle. As it turns out, I have a pituitary PCOS variant. Polycystic ovarian syndrome is this. And if you recall or need a reminder of the whole pituitary gland scenario it's here.  I guess I never did share the results of it all but long story short.. "nothing to worry about" according to the neurologist and all my fancy schmancy dye tests I had to do.

But it would appear there is something to worry about or address. PCOS. So thanks to my wonderful naturopath, I will address it...and the endo...and the hypothyroidism...oh my...

Next on the agenda of interesting things....I got the call. THE call for surgery. Apparently, there was a cancellation and I was next on the list. January 27th is when I am scheduled. Such short notice right? But I'll take it!!
I'll take it because it means that I am that much closer to IVF. That much closer to our baby. I am having some mixed feelings. I am so excited. So scared. So everything. I have been playing the "what if" game in my head. Like what if the endometriosis is way worse and the Doctors need to remove my ovaries or fallopian tubes. I know. The "what if" game is stupid and never results in anything productive.

In my last post I told you my word of the year was believe. So, this is a great time to believe.

Believe. Believe. Believe.

Preview

Word of the Year

I may be a bit late to link up to this party but I am definitely in.

I'm talking about Word of the Year party over at The Lettered Cottage

When I first came across this idea of choosing one word, similar to a vision board or resolutions, there was only one word that came to mind.

A word that will help me focus. A word that I will repeat over and over and over again in my head. A word like no other word that will represent 2012. A word that will hug me when I'm in doubt. 

My word of the year is BELIEVE.

I will believe that anything is possible.
I will believe that things are exactly the way they are suppose to be.
I will believe I am stronger than ever.
I will believe in prayer.

And even when I think I can believe no more...

I will believe.

Still waiting

I've been very unmotivated to say the least. Kinda of in a funk. Which sucks, because being a brand new year you'd think no funk. But yes, funk. I have so much going on in my head that I would've figured I have that much more to write. But I don't. Well I do. Just for today anyway. For now.

I haven't even completed my goals list for 2012 or my vision board (something new I'm trying this year).

Still waiting on that magical call from the doctor for my surgery date. And when that call comes in I'll make my magical call to the fertility clinic and let them know it's on. IVF that is. Not sure how it all really works. The protocol. The timeline. The details. Until then, I'll wait.

While I'm waiting I'll try to stay focused and positive. Keep my eye on the prize. I've waited this long for my miracle, what's a bit longer.

(thanks stressfreeinfertilityblog for the reminder)

This will be our year

I missed writing a "Merry Christmas" post...because of this....so a late Merry Christmas to all. I hope your holidays were magical.

As we enter into a new year, I feel excited. This will be the year.

This will be the year we will do IVF.

This will be the year we will know if we will be parents.

This will be the year we will start living again.

Fertility has been our focus for over 3 now. It's exhausting. It feels like life has been put on hold. No denying the strain infertility puts on a relationship. My Love and I have grown closer in ways that most couples never will and the opposite is also true in some ways. We both agree enough is enough.
Sounds harsh, maybe, but waiting and waiting and waiting for something that you are not even sure will happen is also pretty harsh. Down right cruel. However, we've accepted that this is just the way God has planned it for us. And along this way we have changed and grown. Without infertility, I wouldn't be the person I am today. And I'm on my way to actually liking me. The me that I am evolving into. Learning to let go of things that are taking up too much space in my heart and soul. Learning to live in the present moment. I'm learning to be aware. I'm learning to accept. Learning lots. All this learning is a slow process but it's good.

I know it's not going to be so black and white. Easy peasy. It never is. But I want my life back. I want my husband back. I want to enjoy being in love and love just being.

So, 2012...I welcome you with open arms and an open heart because this will be our year.

Peace.