Sunday, March 27, 2011

A successful baby visit

I'm sure this doesn't come across as a surprise but, lately I've been avoiding any type of situation, gathering or people where there may be a lot of babies, toddlers and children around. Actually, just avoiding any type of gathering period. I'm just having a difficult time putting on a believable smile.

After crawling out from underneath my rock, I decided I really should meet the newest edition to my cousin's family. So, got myself together and made the congratulations call last week. Then, on Friday very focused, I headed over to the mall and did some baby gift shopping. After having my token breakdown right there in the baby section of H&M, I realized there are definitely way more girl clothes to choose from than boys.

My sister's and I went yesterday for our visit. It was very strange. As I drove over I was actually nervous. What the hell was I nervous for? I don't know. I can't explain it. My only thought was I didn't want to have a breakdown while I was holding this barely one week old baby.

My stomach was in knots the whole time. While most of our conversation was about baby, the lack of sleep and sore body parts I couldn't help but zone out and think how I wanted to be soooo tired too and have my body parts be soooo sore as well!
Our visit was a success, tearless and all. And while I was holding Baby I was secretly hoping she would rub some baby dust on me.

I Would Die For That  -Kelley Coffey

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

What if

What a lovely spring day. The sun is shining. The air is fresh. And I feel broken.
My heart feels so heavy. Lately I've had the 'what if' blues. You know, what if we never get pregnant? what if our next cycle fails? What if we can't afford IVF? What if we should try another fertility clinic? What if I stay this sad forever?

As like anyone else struggling with infertility, I often go back and forth between my 'I am full of hope' days and my 'I am so angry/sad/resentful' days. It comes and goes, although lately it just comes. I have a lot of other crap going on in my life right now that, if you can even believe, has to come before anything fertility. Which doesn't help my heavy heart.

BUT as I have said before, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason...and there's always a reason. I believe this now more than ever because I just need to believe.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Keep Calm and Carry On

Isn't it insane how quickly things change. Just going about your business and then BOOM a horrific earthquake happens and changes the whole world. Literally.  (My heart goes out to all the people of Japan).

I suppose such is life. Boom! and then your world changes. Good or bad, a change is a change and the best thing to do in either scenario is, 'Keep calm and carry on'.

For anyone that truly knows me, that is not what I do. I get frazzled easily. I don't even really understand that concept. Keep calm? And then once you're calm carry on? Really? Is there a school you go to to learn this?

Oh right. It's called the school of life. Well, I must be failing miserably because I've only just recently figured out (kinda...maybe), that the only type of control you have in this world is the control over yourself....not what happens, doesn't happen, no control over any one's actions and clearly no control over the universe.

So since there's no calmness to my carry-on-ness do you have any suggestions?

Friday, March 11, 2011

Naturopathic Doctor

Who knew finding a Naturopathic doctor would be so difficult. I didn't know how to approach it, so I did what I do best and Googled my way through. My initial list of 6 doctors to meet was a bust as I was only able to speak to 1 over the span of a few weeks. Some of the offices I went to were either closed, moved, looked too shady and not that welcoming. So, I composed a new list. I managed to set up a meet and greet appointment with a doctor that was very experienced in fertility and woman's health. She was fabulous. As soon as I walked into her office I knew I was in the right place.
After a mini meeting and a mini meltdown, I booked my initial consultation appointment with her. I wasn't able to get in until the last week of March, but really my life has been a waiting game for the passed 3 years so what's another couple weeks.

I'm feeling anxious about everything, but excited to try a new approach or at least compliment it with our medical doctors. I feel my Love is a bit skeptical but supportive nonetheless. I know he is feeling just as sad and anxious as I am, but doesn't want to make it obvious. What a cutie patootie.

Monday, March 7, 2011

So Sad

Yesterday I received a 'key of hope' from one of my amazing sisters. Just one of those Hallmark gifts. I love it. I will keep it with me always. Thank you sister, how did you know I would need that today?

Today I feel so sad. Holy crap so sad. My heart actually hurts. This feeling sucks. That's all.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Gone Surfing

I've just spent the last 4 hours surfing the internet and reading other fertility blogs....
I read everything from BFP (big fat positives) to exercises to fertility diets to IVF to twins to miscarriages to prayers to positive thinking to stress free infertility to switching fertility clinics to oral drugs to injectable drugs to hormones to endometriosis (what I have) to ovulating or lack there of to sperm mobility to sperm morphology to sex positions to how many times do you do IUI (intrauterine insemination) before moving on to IVF to age to acupuncture to fear to hope to  sadness to feeling alone to hating the world to learning to love yourself in all of this to getting up each day scared to expensive treatments to being strong to facing reality to needles to ultrasounds to blood work to fabulous supportive husbands and partners and family and friends to feeling lost then found then lost again...

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Hello March

It's hard to believe that we are already our third month into 2011. March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb....I sure hope so. We've had quite the frigid winter and I'm totally ready for some spring.

Funny thing I do every month, I estimate a due date if we were to get pregnant in that month. I realize that sound crazy, but it's what I do. So, according to my calculations if we get pregnant this month our baby will be born towards the end of November or mid December. Which also means we still have a chance for a 2011 baby! Hmmmm, I'll do anything to keep hope going.