Tuesday, May 1, 2012

I'm still here

Next week we have our followup appointment with our Doctor. She will explain or hopefully shed some light on what all just went down. I don't really know what I am expecting out of the appointment. Mostly closure I suppose. As I've mentioned in previous posts this was going to be our last fertility treatment of any kind. And it is. And I am good with that. It's been a long 4 years of doctor appointments, surgeries, procedures, cycles and everything fertility. For most of our married life, it's all we've known (our 5 year anniversary is in November). I'd like to be a newlywed again. Enjoy each other. Infertility has a way of tearing a couple apart or bringing them closer together. I am blessed that for us, it has brought us closer in ways that most other couples will never experience, except we lost the spontaneity. We will have fun getting that back though.

I also lost a bit of myself. What I mean is, I was so consumed by our cycles that, that's all I did. It's all I thought about. So now, with no monitoring of anything going on, I am left to my own vices. Scary, but as My Love put it, "This is a fresh start. Do whatever I want". He's such a smarty pants.

I will admit, in my mind as each cycle was coming to an end, it was either going to work and we'd have a baby in 9 months or it just wasn't. There was no grey. And even though, I knew I'd be considered high risk, a miscarriage NEVER entered my mind. Naive of me, I know. But it just didn't. And that's why I am struggling. I knew, as heartbroken as I would be a negative IVF cycle, is still a negative. I thought I had prepared myself for the worst. But I didn't.

However all that being said, I will allow myself to feel everything I need to feel and then move on. I am grateful for all that I do have. I will never forget or take advantage of that. I may never be the same person I was before infertility, but I will be a better one.

Endometriosis makes you strong. Infertility makes you courageous. Miscarriage makes you wise.

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