Thursday, May 3, 2012

Live with that

Although it's only been 2 weeks since our miscarriage, it feels like forever ago. I suppose because it has been a long 4 years of living cycle to cycle that has finally come to an end. I am dealing trying to deal with my 'all over the place' emotions. I am scatter brained, self medicating and gaining weight on top of the weight that I gained with the hormones (that's my excuse). I am having vivid dreams of babies. Babies born with half a head or no brain (although I'm pretty sure that vision is courtesy of a Private Practice episode I recently watched). I hear babies crying and crying and crying, surrounding me and hearing it's my fault. Very disturbing. And of course, I can't forget the dream of miscarriages happening to pregnant women who hang around with me (although in reality I wouldn't be hanging around them anyway).

Lovely isn't it? I realize I am not the only woman to have experienced this. But it has happened. And like I said in my previous post, a miscarriage just never occurred to me. I've over analyzed everything from the moment we decided to start a family to the endometriosis diagnosis to the first visit to our fertility clinic to the last call I got from the nurse and everything in between. I have replayed each cycle we ever did, medicated, all our IUI's and our 1 and only IVF. I think about the way 2012 began, its perfect timing of everything and my word of the year.
Could I have done anything different? Should I have done anything different? Would it have even made a difference?

Probably not. Because of the way the universe works, I'm confident the outcome would've been the same. I get that. And that's what I need to keep reminding myself. There's a whole new world waiting for me, for us.

I will heal, I'm sure I will. It is this thought that breaks me the most though...

It is MY body that is not in baby making or keeping form, but my heart hurts most for the man I love, the man I am crazy about, who's body IS in baby making form.

Do you understand what I am saying?

Live with that.

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