Deja Vu

                                                                         It's deja vu. It's deja vu I tell ya.

Same place. Same doctor. Same reason. Only thing different, it is now 2 and a half years later, 3 and a half years into our trying to conceive, I am older and more (fertility) wiser.

I had a consultation Monday about having a second endometriosis surgery. We discussed our 'surgical' goals. Which simply meant the goal was to preserve fertility. And although this will help some of the pain, the pain courtesy of endo being attached to my bowels and bladder may not be touched at this time.
Another tubal dye test will be done to make sure my fallopian tubes are still not blocked, any endo that can be safely removed will, of course. We need to know what we are dealing with. And now we are awaiting a surgery date.

But, to quote the doc, "things are sometimes different once we have you in surgery". Oh and "I need you to understand, that just because you are having this surgery does not necessarily guarantee that IVF will work. I don't want you to have false hope."

Right. False hope. There's no such thing as 'false' hope. It's just H.O.P.E. doc. It'll be the same hope I had after all our medicated cycles. It'll be the same hope I had after all our IUI's. And it'll be the same hope I have that I will wake up from surgery with all my female parts not completely devoured by endo. It'll be the same hope that our one and only IVF try will result in a baby.

I have stage IV endometriosis. The worse kind. The meanest kind. And there's nothing false about that.