Wednesday, December 22, 2010


I remember thinking how excited I was last year that this time next year we would be a family of 3, or at least on our way.

Well, it's next year. My heart hurts. Really? How much more can one person take. When I take a look back  it's all a big blur. Our quest for baby really started over 2 years ago. From doctor to doctor, tests to procedures, medication to surgeries, clinics to hospitals. It has been a road I never thought I'd have to travel. I've been consumed by fertility, a cold and lonely world. I think I'm all Googled out.

Maybe I haven't treated my body kind. Didn't eat the right foods, too much caffeine, not enough water, too much wine. Maybe I didn't exercise enough or not enough vitamins. I could've been a better person. I should've worked harder and smarter. Blah!Blah! Blah! I'm tired of thinking.

I'm sad. With all the chaos happening in my mind, I forgot to enjoy and appreciate all the love and the little things over these passed couple years. I love the little things. I miss my husband, not my sperm donor.

I can't get those years back. Time is such an evil mistress. Bitch.

What am I going to do? Time for a new approach. Let me think about it.


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