Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Well, maybe a few days late. It always amazes me on how fast the holidays fly by. So much planning, cooking, baking and eating (my personal favourite), although I am crazy about wrapping presents too.
I always hear that Christmas is for the kids and yes it is, the Santa part is. But isn't giving fun for adults?
I love to give!! From gifts to spending time to acts of kindness to all the cheesiness....I love it! And of course, who couldn't use a little dose of 'Buddy the Elf'?

For this brief moment in time everything sparkles, people smile and the world is buzzing.
Ok, maybe my world is buzzing and sparkling. I need it to just for a little while. I choose to take this festive time and appreciate what I have, be thankful for my family and friends and remember those who are no longer around (I miss you dad).

I want to hold on to this sparkle for dear life and bring it with me into the new year.

Time

I remember thinking how excited I was last year that this time next year we would be a family of 3, or at least on our way.

Well, it's next year. My heart hurts. Really? How much more can one person take. When I take a look back  it's all a big blur. Our quest for baby really started over 2 years ago. From doctor to doctor, tests to procedures, medication to surgeries, clinics to hospitals. It has been a road I never thought I'd have to travel. I've been consumed by fertility, a cold and lonely world. I think I'm all Googled out.

Maybe I haven't treated my body kind. Didn't eat the right foods, too much caffeine, not enough water, too much wine. Maybe I didn't exercise enough or not enough vitamins. I could've been a better person. I should've worked harder and smarter. Blah!Blah! Blah! I'm tired of thinking.

I'm sad. With all the chaos happening in my mind, I forgot to enjoy and appreciate all the love and the little things over these passed couple years. I love the little things. I miss my husband, not my sperm donor.

I can't get those years back. Time is such an evil mistress. Bitch.

What am I going to do? Time for a new approach. Let me think about it.

Peace

My new BFF

We are on a 'break' from our cycle monitoring at the fertility clinic. A forced 'break', as the clinic is closing for a couple weeks over the holidays, but a much needed  'break' for my sanity. 

I know the clinic does not officially close until the 17th. So, I will keep calling the lovely and wonderful nurse with all my new questions until then. I don't call everyday with one question! That would crazy! I prefer to call just once or twice a week with many questions. See? Not so crazy, just more productive.

You may be wondering how I come up with all these questions? Simple. I have a new BFF. She knows everything. You may also know her. Her name is The Internet.

One of the greatest things, I have learned from the Internet, is there are so many women who are going through the torture of infertility. And as I spend the whole day scouring for more questions to ask, looking for clues as to why, I find some comfort to know that I am truly not alone on this journey.
When I say "I", I don't discredit my husband's sadness or his frustration or my supportive family and friends. It's just a bit different when it's your own body not doing what you want it to do. It's Me versus Me. Imagine that battle, if you will.

So, what I found in my new BFF is a sort of Silent Sorority (which is also the name of a book I came across).

Just thinking

How do you stay focused? Stay on track? What drives you? What keeps you going, when you feel you have nothing left to give? What gets you out of bed in the morning? What allows you to fall asleep at night?What's your definition of success? How do you measure success? How do you live in the moment and forget the past? What's your sunshine on a cloudy day? Who's your star in the night? How do you stay calm and carry on? Do you care what others think? Can you forgive and forget? Is the glass half empty or half full?

How do I turn my mind off?

Sorry World

Sorry world, but I don't like you. There, I said it!
I have tried so hard not to be angry, resentful and sad. I always said to myself, "I'm not going to be one of those women" who cry when they see a pregnant lady or a newborn pass them by in the grocery store. However, it became official today in Walmart! I became what I didn't want to become! Right there in the soup aisle, I shed a tear. Really? How did this happen? It's not suppose to be this way? I am a good person. I'm nice, I hold the door for others, I return my cart to where I got it from, I TRY to see the good in others. I donate when I can.
I understand us not getting pregnant is beyond our control....
But Sorry world, I hate you!