What a lovely spring day. The sun is shining. The air is fresh. And I feel broken.
My heart feels so heavy. Lately I've had the 'what if' blues. You know, what if we never get pregnant? what if our next cycle fails? What if we can't afford IVF? What if we should try another fertility clinic? What if I stay this sad forever?
As like anyone else struggling with infertility, I often go back and forth between my 'I am full of hope' days and my 'I am so angry/sad/resentful' days. It comes and goes, although lately it just comes. I have a lot of other crap going on in my life right now that, if you can even believe, has to come before anything fertility. Which doesn't help my heavy heart.
BUT as I have said before, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason...and there's always a reason. I believe this now more than ever because I just need to believe.
These are the type of days where the adage "Count your blessings" comes in real handy. Over the past few years I've gone through some really heavy Highs and Lows... REALLY heavy... and I've relied on thinking about what I do have, rather than what I don't, to carry me through.
ReplyDeleteThis little experiment I've been going through (that you've likely caught pieces of on Twitter) of listing 100 facts about myself, sort of helps do that. 100 Facts are a tough thing to put together... and they slowly begin to drift into being very introspective, with thoughts like "My kids are awesome" and "My sister's a pain in the ass but I love her" kinda crap... but it's all true, and at the same time, has reminded me that I DO have a pretty decent life, despite all the BLEH that comes with it.
So... chin up... *I* know about a pile of the amazing things you have in your life... now you just have to come to the realization that none of them are defined, or cancelled out by this one setback.
And you're always welcome to come over and get drunk, of course. The door, and liquor cabinet, are always open.