But our laptop is dead. I am currently writing this from work.
To make a long story short, it got drenched in WATER. Picture the wicked witch of the west in the Wizard Of Oz, you know the part where Dorothy accidentally throws water on her. "I'm melting, melting. Oh, what a world! What a world!" Yup. That's pretty much what happened.
Soooo, now what? Not sure how long we can go without. With My Love needing it for work and me just needing it, obsessively. I suppose we may need to hit up some boxing day sales.
But here's what's making me be a sucky baby...it wasn't any old laptop. It was a Macbook. And I loved her. Not sure if there will be another one in the near future (those beauties are not cheap).
I've been spoiled with having one (thank you Colleen).
(So Santa, if you happen to be reading this, do you think you may have some room left in that pretty red bag of yours for a computer or laptop? Maybe one that's white and has a picture of an apple on it? Thanks. xoxo)
Last night while I was busy making our condo festive, I realized something. This has become our tradition every year since My Love and I first moved in together. Since before we were even married.
Picture this:
I put up the tree. I sip wine. I decorate the tree. I sip wine. My Love tells me where there's a gap on the tree with no ornament while watching football. I sip wine. My love hangs his 3 favourite ornaments. Then back to football. I sip wine. I talk about changing the "theme" of our tree. My Love agrees and tells me he was thinking the same thing (while trying to keep a straight face). Back to football. I sip wine.
Ahhh, I love traditions. Let the festivities begin.
Hard to believe one year has gone by since I discovered the world of blogging. I started blogging as a safe place. A place I can put my thoughts, feelings and experiences, rather than keeping everything inside. A place where I can be me. The real me. Where no one will judge. Where I just may inspire and comfort even one person like many have done for me. Little did I know that it would be a saving place. I quickly began to realize that I wasn't alone in the way I was feeling. Infertility sucked and there was a whole land of others who understood first hand. I felt not as alone and not so crazy.
During this past year, I have followed numerous journeys. IVF journeys. Adoption journeys. Even journeys that have involved loss. I've relished in the endometriosis success stories in hopes that mine will turn out just as miraculous. I've cried for all those that did not. Endometriosis is a bitch. I know.
I've learned so much about a lot and will continue to grow. I am so thankful for this blog, your blog and all the future blogs I will follow. You have become a special part of me.
What can I say...Sunday nights I always reflect on my weekend, my week that has just past and the week to come.
As I review what I did, what I could've done better, what I have learned and what I will pay attention to this week, I realize that no one ever really knows what goes on behind closed doors. You take what you see at surface value. And believe it. Because you want to. And expect it to be the truth. But quite often the truth is far from what you see.
About 6 months ago I wrote about this, which lead me to a neurologist. Who sent me to do a few other tests. Results? A cyst on my pituitary gland. I am now waiting for another mri date to further investigate this cyst. With some magical dye injected in a vein, a wonderful picture will highlight the pituitary gland...and give us some detailed answers.
Next.
A couple months ago, on a routine doctor visit, I may have mentioned that I was having crazy, weird heart palpitations. I figured it must be anxiety over everything going on...or lack there of...but doc said "just in case, lets have a look. We want you to be as healthy as you can be when it comes to IVF time". Off I went to cardiac care at the hospital to have a holter monitor put on for 48 hours. Results? Abnormalities were detected with my heart. Hmmm, interesting. Anyway, heart test #2 will be done on Monday which will also involve some magical dye.
In all this I still await my endometriosis surgery date.
Ok. So maybe my last post was a bit trucker mouth-y, but it felt good. And since this is my safe place, it's probably best I vent here and not attack some random pregnant lady. Right? Right.
Anyway, moving on.
My Love has been away on business for 4 days now. He will be coming home today. A break is good. A little me time was much needed. But I'm ready for him to come home now.
It was fun to sleep in the middle of the bed.
I watched whatever I wanted to watch, whenever I wanted to and you can be sure that none of what I watched involved some type of ball being thrown, kicked, putted or bounced.
I sort of felt like a single lady...but not really single.
Do I really feel the way I do? Because it's not consistent. Ever. Some days I am so angry, I feel like I am on fire. Other days I am so hopeful, it's like I'm walking on air. I don't get it.
What I also do not get is the whole infertility thing. Blah. It's like a cruel joke.
Oh, and I don't understand endometriosis. One day it's not there and the next it's there forever.
Also, since I'm on the topic of "not getting it"...why can some people have 20 babies and others none? F* U* Duggar family.
And I can't stand people with kids who got pregnant on their first try or who "planned it that way", who want to offer me advice. Really?
Shove it.
And not to mention the people who think "it must be nice to be able to sleep all night" because I don't have to attend to a toddler who has had a bad dream.
Shove it again. I actually don't sleep at night. Period. Because I may never have a toddler. Period.
Also, I can't just adopt...asshole...it's not that simple...
And NO, if I just relax it won't just happen...bitch...
And sorry I cannot go on vacation so it can happen while I'm there...because I have spent all my money on fertility treatments...genius.
It's been four years since we said our I do's on the beach. That perfect day, so beautiful. Best. Day. Ever.
Four years have gone by quickly. Always something going on. Needless to say never having a dull moment thus far...since the day we met really. If you asked me 4 years ago where I thought we'd be today it would have looked different than where we are. But here we are and I wouldn't have changed a thing. These 4 years have made us who we are today. And I'm proud of that. I'm proud of us.
From career changes to health scares to infertility and to things that don't need mentioning, one thing is certain, we are stronger now than ever before.
I've changed a bit. You've changed a bit. We've changed a bit as a couple. Separately and together these changes have all been so positive.
I think we used to dream in black and white but now we dream in colour.
With all my cheesiness and all my heart and soul I believe L.O.V.E is the best thing in the world. And with that, I believe I just may love you more today.
We love unconditionally. We argue respectfully. We learn from each other daily. I am your biggest fan. You are my greatest supporter.
I love how we know each other so well...but still not enough so we are always growing.
We are so opposite, but quite the same. Your always logical thinking compliments my always emotional ways and these extreme emotions softens this logic.
I love how you adore the 37 year old me and amuse the 5 year old me.
I may not ever understand why you want to swim 2.4 miles then bike 112 miles then run 26.2 miles for a marathon....all in one day...but I admire it. I may never join you, but I will always be there cheering you on...
Same place. Same doctor. Same reason. Only thing different, it is now 2 and a half years later, 3 and a half years into our trying to conceive, I am older and more (fertility) wiser.
I had a consultation Monday about having a second endometriosis surgery. We discussed our 'surgical' goals. Which simply meant the goal was to preserve fertility. And although this will help some of the pain, the pain courtesy of endo being attached to my bowels and bladder may not be touched at this time.
Another tubal dye test will be done to make sure my fallopian tubes are still not blocked, any endo that can be safely removed will, of course. We need to know what we are dealing with. And now we are awaiting a surgery date.
But, to quote the doc, "things are sometimes different once we have you in surgery". Oh and "I need you to understand, that just because you are having this surgery does not necessarily guarantee that IVF will work. I don't want you to have false hope."
Right. False hope. There's no such thing as 'false' hope. It's just H.O.P.E. doc. It'll be the same hope I had after all our medicated cycles. It'll be the same hope I had after all our IUI's. And it'll be the same hope I have that I will wake up from surgery with all my female parts not completely devoured by endo. It'll be the same hope that our one and only IVF try will result in a baby.
I have stage IV endometriosis. The worse kind. The meanest kind. And there's nothing false about that.
We are going to a Halloween party Friday night. There's going to be costumes, prizes, games, music, raffles, family, friends and fun!
I think I've only ever been to one other costume party before, so I'm excited to dressed up. But this isn't justanyHalloween party. It's a fundraiser too. What a great idea don't ya think?
And what is the fundraiser for you ask?
It's for a couple who dreams of becoming parents and have been struggling for way too long.
It's an IVF fundraiser for My Love and I...(as if you couldn't figure that out).
I know. A.Maz.Ing.
We are so lucky. Blessed. Honoured. Loved. Thankful. Humbled. Excited.
I'm pretty sure we have the best family and friends ever!
Yes that's right. This girl is 37. Really. I know. Hard to believe. I don't look my age. I don't act my age. I don't feel my age. But I am 37 years old today.
Not gonna embrace the number. Not gonna like it. Just gonna deal with it. Why? Because 37 years of age in the world of fertility is old. All my 'odds' and 'statistics' for having a baby just dropped like a bazillion %...(ok maybe 5 or 10%).
But whatever. Moving on. I've never been a number's girl so why should I start now. Right?
What I would like to do for my birthday is to celebrate my family, My Love and my friends.
So, I propose a birthday toast...
Thank you for putting up with all my anxious ways. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for accepting me just the way I am.
Cheers!
And finally, if there is anything I have learned in my 37 years, it is this...
My summer indulgences and my lazy ways...have found their way to my butt, belly and boobs. I have no excuse really. When I'm happy I eat. When I'm sad I eat. Both are usually accompanied with a glass of wine or 2 (ok sometimes 3).
If I don't catch it now the 10 pounds will become 20 pounds and you know how the rest goes. With Thanksgiving and Christmas just months away it can easily happen!
But it's not just about the weight loss and trying to look good...it's about being healthy...mind, body and soul.
And since I have IVF in the plans I better smarten up and focus.
On Friday, September 9 at approximatey 10:48 p.m. while I was out at a wedding celebrating L.O.V.E. my nephew was entering the world.
He is so tiny weighing in at 6 pounds 2 ounces with a full head of hair, he is perfect. He looks just like his big sister did when she was born.
And the weekend festivities continued with a birthday outing on Saturday to Toys R Us followed by a Chuck E Cheese party on Sunday. All this for the new big sister who's birthday fell on September 10th.
Mom and dad are doing well. Having to have a c-section, they were only dischared from the hospital yesterday.
What a very busy few days we've had...celebrating life and love.
It's been a hot and busy summer. August is coming to an end. The daylight is getting shorter. The mornings and evenings are full of cool, crisp, freshness....my favourite. I can feel the anxiety of all the back to schoolers and smell the excitement of all the parents who have back to schoolers.
I love fall. And similar to the start of a new year, it reminds me to turn over a new leaf (teehee, I couldn't help that). The final four months of the year are truly about giving thanks. Being grateful. And giving love. In any way and every way to all. It reminds the people who forget to be this way. And fulfils the ones who truly are this way. At least thats how I see it.
But with every season change I am reminded of how fast time goes by. Playing the "this time next year game" isn't as fun as it used to be. So, it only makes sense that I have been making a genuine effort to live in the present. Trying to appreciate and be thankful for all that is... right now...in this moment. This is not an easy task, but one that I have been fortunate to have guidance and direction with from an amazing woman whom I admire and adore.
Last night we went to our IVF info session. There were so many couples. And for the first time, we were in a room full of people who all felt the exact same as we did. Anxiety. Excitement. Fear. Hope. I took comfort in that.
The session lasted about 2 hours. It was information overload and we were exhausted by the time we got home. It brought up more scenarios for My Love and I to discuss on the drive home...again. Do we freeze eggs? Do we do ICSI? Do we need assisted hatching? Of course, all this was so new and so much to take in.
The stats were clear...confirming I am no Spring chicken...which isn't a surprise with a question like do we need assisted hatching? However, better than originally thought!
Also confirming that endometriosis sucks! Bringing the odds down a bit. However, if timed immediately after surgery that will make all the difference!
We have a direction. We have a goal. We have a timeline. We have a plan A. We have a plan B.
Most importantly....we will always have each other.
