Stuck

I'm having one of those blah kind of days. I'm sure the weather doesn't help either. Or that I'm stupid tired from a long week of getting up at 4:30 every morning.
Or just blah because I'm just blah.

I dunno. I feel stuck. Like I cannot move forward in any aspect of my life. I feel that there has to be more. More quality to my day. More that I should be doing with my life. More focus. More motivation. More fulfillment.

It's like I'm going through the motions but I'm not really here.

Goals? I need them! I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure I really know how to begin.

I know that if we weren't able to have a baby, it wouldn't be the end of the world. But it just sort of feels like that sometimes.

Do you ever feel stuck?

Happy long weekend

Happy 'unofficial start to the summer' long weekend. It is an absolutely beautiful day today. Will it last all weekend? Maybe. Maybe not.

I woke up this morning soooo grumpy. Why? Because I remember last year's 'unofficial start to the summer' long weekend....I thought to myself, this time next year I will either be pregnant or have a baby.

Well, it is this time and neither are correct. I am sad. I am struggling. I am crying.

However, because the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and the day is beautiful, I will try choose to enjoy the day. The lump in my throat and the heaviness on my heart will just have to wait.

Today I will enjoy friends and family (whom I've been neglecting), food (which I love) and plenty of wine, beer and fruity cocktails (oh my!).

Cheers!

courtesy of

Looking for my rainbow connection

I suppose I've always had a rainbow obsession...ever since I was a little girl...

The Rainbow Connection from the Muppet Movie.

The news

I've been writing this post since I found out the news. I didn't really know how to approach it and needed to put a lot of thought into it.
The ironic part about it all, is that just as I was about to write a very angry post that day back in January, I received the news. I am so thankful I didn't post. Instead, I posted this the next day.

I love my family and would do pretty much anything for them. My sisters are my best friends (don't worry you are too My Love) and my adorable niece is so one of  us...cheesy at 2 1/2 years old. So cutie patootie, let me tell ya!
Let me also tell you that she is going to be a big sister. That's the news.

When M first told me she was pregnant the rush of emotions were so overwhelming. I cried and laughed at the same time (which if you know me, you know this can happen from time to time in any given emotional state). I was over the moon excited but my heart felt so heavy.

M was just crying. Why? Because although her news was amazing and, as I see every conception now as a miracle, she was hurting for me. I think she even apologized. Is that some sisterly love or what?

I will be honest and say I thought I was being selfish for struggling a bit with the news, but reality is no one's life stops because I'm fertility challenged. It's my sister after all and no matter how much my heart hurts, it's probably the next best thing.

courtesy of www.zazzle.ca

Our Revised Plan

I am struggling. I am really struggling.

And although it's tough, according to My Love, we need a plan. Let me explain...

My Love feels we need to decide, before we begin a new cycle, on the number of  injectable stimulated IUI's we are willing to try before stopping and moving on. I suppose this is a good idea to discuss now while we are not cycling. I just don't like to talk about what will happen next during a cycle. You know what I mean? I'm a bit funny that way.

Of course, a lot will have to do with how well I may or may not respond to adding the stronger and 'fancier' follicle stimulating hormones into the equation. I would also be in   La-La land to think that costs will also play a key role as well.

We've decided that the magical number will be 3. And why shouldn't it be? We've tried 3 million natural cycles. 3 medicated cycles. 3 medicated cycles with IUI.

So there we have it. Our plan. Or shall I say our revised plan. Because all of this was never really our plan to begin with.

I suppose it's someone else's plan for us.

A Broken Hallelujah

bro·ken

1. Having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order.

2. Rejected, defeated, or despairing.

hal·le·lu·jah 
1. An expression of worship or rejoicing.

Cancelled cycle and Ticking clock

As I drove back to the clinic yesterday morning I felt so anxious. Excited. Scared. Most importantly hopeful again.

We will be moving on to more aggressive treatments by adding injectable hormones into the equation. So, this cycle was like starting fresh. Kinda. Pretty exciting, eh? As exciting as hormones can be.

Getting my blood work done, I made some nervous conversation. Having my ultrasound done....ouch! That was weird. Mr. ultrasound wand sorta hurt.

The wonderful nurse called me in for my results, took a deep breath and said, "ok, you have a fair sized cyst...". I knew exactly what side she was talking about as I have been uncomfortable for weeks now. That's all I heard because I was sobbing like a little girl.

This cycle is now cancelled until the cyst goes away. Who knows how long it will take. Maybe a month. Maybe 2. We will see if it will go away on its own. At least I didn't have to go on birth control pills, which is common to suppress the growth of cysts...I think.

So in the meantime, while we wait for this cyst to go away, my lovely endometriomas continue to grow... oh and I think I hear my clock ticking too.

BLAH!

I'm scared. I'm really sad. I'm a bit of a mess.

The results are in

BIG. F*CKING. NEGATIVE.

Today I will throw hope out the window for breaking my heart... 

Today I will only eat chocolate... 

Today I will only drink wine...

Tomorrow hope will fix my heart again...

Hope Street -LaurenBPhotography

  

A Rabbit in that Hat

I woke up this morning feeling crampy!
Not crampy like grumpy!
Crampy like Aunt Flo, period-like, please say it ain't so crampy!

And of course because I had to have 2 trigger injections, I need to wait a bit longer before we can test.

As I had a mini freak out this morning, My Love so calmly reminded me that there is still a blood test to take. He also reminded me, as he usually does, there are some things we have no control over and as long as I did my best to stay healthy and positive I did my part.
As you can see he is the calmer more rational one in our relationship.

I received an email from a friend yesterday. She is a fabulous woman.

On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know... 
Sometimes all God wants you to do is to "get the ball rolling." Then, She'll take it from there. So when things turn out other than the way you wanted them to, don't be so quick to say, "Bummer!" Many a Bummer is a Blessing in disguise. Consider the possibility that life is magic...and that there's a rabbit in that hat.

Stay off the computer

I've had a busy few days. This morning was my progesterone blood work check at the clinic. I worked Saturday and spent Sunday at my moms and yesterday was a sort of spring cleaning do whatever I want day (I had the day off).

I did however manage to get in some google-ing time on Friday! Earlier than originally thought, but I broke down.  Totally justified though. I wasn't feeling well and I had severe lower back pains and not to mention (warning too much information ahead), some spotting...lots of spotting. But when it got worst on Saturday morning, I upgraded to a phone call to the clinic.

The nurse gave me a couple scenarios on what it could possibly be and told me I needed to relax and keep my feet up. More importantly, STAY OFF THE COMPUTER!!!

What? Stay off the computer? Whatever shall I do? Hmmmm...go to Chapters (I know that's not  exactly staying off my feet)!

No I'm not completely crazy, just a little bit. I didn't go to scope out books on babies or pregnancy stuff, I went to become further acquainted with the gluten free world. It's been about 3 weeks since I've eliminated, or am doing my best to eliminate, gluten. It's tough, but I feel great. Why didn't I do this sooner. I am no longer doubled over in agony like I usually am after every meal.
Not to mention I've lost 5 pounds that somehow followed me home a few months ago.

So, I grabbed a couple books and yes, I am relaxing...as relaxed as one can be during this 2 1 week wait...

2 week wait

This cycle has been crazy! It was touch and go for a while with a couple things to keep an eye on, we weren't sure we would be able to have our IUI procedures! But linings thickened and follicles grew and I am officially into the 2 week wait.

The 2 week wait is agonizing! It's the longest 2 weeks ever! I will begin my google-ing early pregnancy symptoms probably on the weekend. It won't matter if I really have any symptoms or not because my heart will tell me I do...and how can I forget the extra progesterone I will be taking that often mimic pregnancy symptoms too. Pretty cruel, eh?

So, what shall I do to keep myself busy?

Mrs. Familiar Face

Yesterday was CD (cycle day) 10. As I drove over to the clinic, I found myself ...um, reminded myself to stay positive, which I constantly need to be aware of. I gave my follicles a pep talk and explained to them they needed to grow and if they did grow, they'd have a big surprise waiting for them when they matured. Please and thank you.

As I sat there waiting for my turn, I saw no familiar faces. I wanted to see other patients I recognized that have been there just as long as I have. Was that mean? Maybe.

And then a familiar face! I felt relieved and sad at the same time that maybe she was thinking and feeling the same as I was. No eye contact was made, but as she got up for her turn I noticed she had A BUMP. OMG! Was she pregnant? A rush of emotions came over me. I wanted to give her a great big hug and fall to the floor at the same time. It was her turn! Congratulation Mrs. Familiar Face!

As I sat there waiting for my turn again (because that's what you do, it's like an assembly line of sorts) I swear I heard my follicles tell me," Stay focused because it's gonna be our turn soon too".

April showers bring May flowers

This past week in review...

my naturapathic dr. consult got rescheduled ...AF (aunt flo a.k.a period) arrived, and like a cycling junkie (not to be mistaken for bicycling junkie like My Love), I decided I NEEDED to get back to it.

Yup, that's right I couldn't stay away any longer and am officially cycling again. After an almost four month break, I received such a warm welcome back from the staff at the fertility clinic. Sure I'm all warm and fuzzy that I was missed, but I mean business and am ready to be pocked and prodded once again.

After a mini catch up with the nurse, she reminds me that Dr.C likes to do three of the same procedures before moving on to more aggressive (unless of course I want to). Alrighty then, IUI #3 it is!  EXCEPT this cycle's equation will look more like this...

 letrozole + trigger + back to back IUI + progesterone = BABY

My ultrasound found a cyst (no biggie so far) and we have decided to have My Love have another analysis done since it's been a year and a half since his last check (which was found to be slightly below normal).

So as the hormones are raging....here's hoping April showers bring May flowers.

A successful baby visit

I'm sure this doesn't come across as a surprise but, lately I've been avoiding any type of situation, gathering or people where there may be a lot of babies, toddlers and children around. Actually, just avoiding any type of gathering period. I'm just having a difficult time putting on a believable smile.

After crawling out from underneath my rock, I decided I really should meet the newest edition to my cousin's family. So, got myself together and made the congratulations call last week. Then, on Friday very focused, I headed over to the mall and did some baby gift shopping. After having my token breakdown right there in the baby section of H&M, I realized there are definitely way more girl clothes to choose from than boys.

My sister's and I went yesterday for our visit. It was very strange. As I drove over I was actually nervous. What the hell was I nervous for? I don't know. I can't explain it. My only thought was I didn't want to have a breakdown while I was holding this barely one week old baby.

My stomach was in knots the whole time. While most of our conversation was about baby, the lack of sleep and sore body parts I couldn't help but zone out and think how I wanted to be soooo tired too and have my body parts be soooo sore as well!
Our visit was a success, tearless and all. And while I was holding Baby I was secretly hoping she would rub some baby dust on me.

I Would Die For That  -Kelley Coffey

What if

What a lovely spring day. The sun is shining. The air is fresh. And I feel broken.
My heart feels so heavy. Lately I've had the 'what if' blues. You know, what if we never get pregnant? what if our next cycle fails? What if we can't afford IVF? What if we should try another fertility clinic? What if I stay this sad forever?

As like anyone else struggling with infertility, I often go back and forth between my 'I am full of hope' days and my 'I am so angry/sad/resentful' days. It comes and goes, although lately it just comes. I have a lot of other crap going on in my life right now that, if you can even believe, has to come before anything fertility. Which doesn't help my heavy heart.

BUT as I have said before, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason...and there's always a reason. I believe this now more than ever because I just need to believe.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Isn't it insane how quickly things change. Just going about your business and then BOOM a horrific earthquake happens and changes the whole world. Literally.  (My heart goes out to all the people of Japan).

I suppose such is life. Boom! and then your world changes. Good or bad, a change is a change and the best thing to do in either scenario is, 'Keep calm and carry on'.

For anyone that truly knows me, that is not what I do. I get frazzled easily. I don't even really understand that concept. Keep calm? And then once you're calm carry on? Really? Is there a school you go to to learn this?

Oh right. It's called the school of life. Well, I must be failing miserably because I've only just recently figured out (kinda...maybe), that the only type of control you have in this world is the control over yourself....not what happens, doesn't happen, no control over any one's actions and clearly no control over the universe.

So since there's no calmness to my carry-on-ness do you have any suggestions?

Naturopathic Doctor

Who knew finding a Naturopathic doctor would be so difficult. I didn't know how to approach it, so I did what I do best and Googled my way through. My initial list of 6 doctors to meet was a bust as I was only able to speak to 1 over the span of a few weeks. Some of the offices I went to were either closed, moved, looked too shady and not that welcoming. So, I composed a new list. I managed to set up a meet and greet appointment with a doctor that was very experienced in fertility and woman's health. She was fabulous. As soon as I walked into her office I knew I was in the right place.
After a mini meeting and a mini meltdown, I booked my initial consultation appointment with her. I wasn't able to get in until the last week of March, but really my life has been a waiting game for the passed 3 years so what's another couple weeks.

I'm feeling anxious about everything, but excited to try a new approach or at least compliment it with our medical doctors. I feel my Love is a bit skeptical but supportive nonetheless. I know he is feeling just as sad and anxious as I am, but doesn't want to make it obvious. What a cutie patootie.

So Sad

Yesterday I received a 'key of hope' from one of my amazing sisters. Just one of those Hallmark gifts. I love it. I will keep it with me always. Thank you sister, how did you know I would need that today?

Today I feel so sad. Holy crap so sad. My heart actually hurts. This feeling sucks. That's all.

Gone Surfing

I've just spent the last 4 hours surfing the internet and reading other fertility blogs....
I read everything from BFP (big fat positives) to exercises to fertility diets to IVF to twins to miscarriages to prayers to positive thinking to stress free infertility to switching fertility clinics to oral drugs to injectable drugs to hormones to endometriosis (what I have) to ovulating or lack there of to sperm mobility to sperm morphology to sex positions to how many times do you do IUI (intrauterine insemination) before moving on to IVF to age to acupuncture to fear to hope to  sadness to feeling alone to hating the world to learning to love yourself in all of this to getting up each day scared to expensive treatments to being strong to facing reality to needles to ultrasounds to blood work to fabulous supportive husbands and partners and family and friends to feeling lost then found then lost again...

Hello March

It's hard to believe that we are already our third month into 2011. March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb....I sure hope so. We've had quite the frigid winter and I'm totally ready for some spring.

Funny thing I do every month, I estimate a due date if we were to get pregnant in that month. I realize that sound crazy, but it's what I do. So, according to my calculations if we get pregnant this month our baby will be born towards the end of November or mid December. Which also means we still have a chance for a 2011 baby! Hmmmm, I'll do anything to keep hope going.