Dear infertility,
I think about you often. So much so, I have found the perfect song for our relationship. This is my dedication to you.
Peace.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Reality is...
We made an appointment with our RE. We are currently not cycling, but need to discuss further treatment, plans and my endometriosis that is freaking me out. I feel it getting worse. And I'm scared. I know another surgery will be in my future. What scares me is how much worse it actually is.
I'm going to post my endo story another time, but until then...
Google, My Love and I have been talking and thinking, searching and discussing. And even though I wrote this post about our revised plans, we have revised our revised plans...hence the RE appointment.
No more wasting time, money and energy on IUI's.
Reality is...IVF.
There. I said it.
A bit of relief to put it out there.
A lot of tears to admit it.
I'm going to post my endo story another time, but until then...
Google, My Love and I have been talking and thinking, searching and discussing. And even though I wrote this post about our revised plans, we have revised our revised plans...hence the RE appointment.
No more wasting time, money and energy on IUI's.
Reality is...IVF.
There. I said it.
A bit of relief to put it out there.
A lot of tears to admit it.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Dear Father's Day
Dear Father's Day,
I'm sorry that I made a promise I couldn't keep. I know I said you would have a wonderful father to join in the celebration this year, but I was wrong. We did everything we could between last year and this year, but nothing worked. No miracle happened.
It wasn't for the lack of trying, it just didn't happen. I don't know why. Do you?
I know My Love will be an amazing daddy and I know he so desperately wants to be one. He is a good man. While I am falling apart he is trying to pick up the pieces. He thinks I don't know he is hurting, but I do. He thinks I can't see the sadness in his eyes, but I can. He thinks he has to be strong ALL THE TIME, but he doesn't.
So please father's day, embrace My Love with the confidence and hope that he will be a wonderful father some day and remind him that I love him with everything that I am. And let him know that there is a baby somewhere in this universe waiting to say 'happy father's day' to him.
I'm sorry that I made a promise I couldn't keep. I know I said you would have a wonderful father to join in the celebration this year, but I was wrong. We did everything we could between last year and this year, but nothing worked. No miracle happened.
It wasn't for the lack of trying, it just didn't happen. I don't know why. Do you?
I know My Love will be an amazing daddy and I know he so desperately wants to be one. He is a good man. While I am falling apart he is trying to pick up the pieces. He thinks I don't know he is hurting, but I do. He thinks I can't see the sadness in his eyes, but I can. He thinks he has to be strong ALL THE TIME, but he doesn't.
So please father's day, embrace My Love with the confidence and hope that he will be a wonderful father some day and remind him that I love him with everything that I am. And let him know that there is a baby somewhere in this universe waiting to say 'happy father's day' to him.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Some funny business
I haven't really spoken much about it. Probably because I feel I complain so much about everything else. But since this is my safe place, I might as well.
For the pass few months there has been some funny business going on in my body. I'm not talking about the usual endometriosis type of funny business, I mean something new.
I've been experiencing numbness, tingling and weakness with both my arms, hands and feet. I also get random tingling that happens in the middle of my back. Strange right? And not so funny.
At first I thought it was all in my head (well, My Love sometimes calls me a hypochondriac), but once the funny business kept occurring more frequently, I knew it was time to check it out.
I've seen a neurologist, who has since arranged for a nerve conduction test. This will happen in July.
I'm nervous about it (no pun intended).
For the pass few months there has been some funny business going on in my body. I'm not talking about the usual endometriosis type of funny business, I mean something new.
I've been experiencing numbness, tingling and weakness with both my arms, hands and feet. I also get random tingling that happens in the middle of my back. Strange right? And not so funny.
At first I thought it was all in my head (well, My Love sometimes calls me a hypochondriac), but once the funny business kept occurring more frequently, I knew it was time to check it out.
I've seen a neurologist, who has since arranged for a nerve conduction test. This will happen in July.
I'm nervous about it (no pun intended).
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
About Love
I've been thinking lately about many of my previous posts. It is clear that I am pretty down in the dumps. Sad. Lost.
What is not clear to the world and possibly the people in my world, is how fortunate I am to have the people I have in my life. How thankful I am for them. How much I love them.
And even though I tend to be a bit of a 'keep to myself' kinda gal, there are people who have come to realize this and love me anyway. I call these people true friends. Thank you true friends.
And even though I may bea little very emotional, a bit snappy and appear uninterested, there is someone who loves me unconditionally. I call him My Love. Thank you My Love.
And even though I may talk and ramble about the same things while not making any sense and appear withdrawn, there are ladies that will always be on my side and listen. I call them my sisters and my mom. Thank you sisters and mom.
What is not clear to the world and possibly the people in my world, is how fortunate I am to have the people I have in my life. How thankful I am for them. How much I love them.
And even though I tend to be a bit of a 'keep to myself' kinda gal, there are people who have come to realize this and love me anyway. I call these people true friends. Thank you true friends.
And even though I may be
And even though I may talk and ramble about the same things while not making any sense and appear withdrawn, there are ladies that will always be on my side and listen. I call them my sisters and my mom. Thank you sisters and mom.
So even though I seem a bit lot like Eeyore and his cloud
I am surrounded by love. And doesn't love conquer all?
Friday, May 27, 2011
Stuck
I'm having one of those blah kind of days. I'm sure the weather doesn't help either. Or that I'm stupid tired from a long week of getting up at 4:30 every morning.
Or just blah because I'm just blah.
I dunno. I feel stuck. Like I cannot move forward in any aspect of my life. I feel that there has to be more. More quality to my day. More that I should be doing with my life. More focus. More motivation. More fulfillment.
It's like I'm going through the motions but I'm not really here.
Goals? I need them! I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure I really know how to begin.
I know that if we weren't able to have a baby, it wouldn't be the end of the world. But it just sort of feels like that sometimes.
Do you ever feel stuck?
Or just blah because I'm just blah.
I dunno. I feel stuck. Like I cannot move forward in any aspect of my life. I feel that there has to be more. More quality to my day. More that I should be doing with my life. More focus. More motivation. More fulfillment.
It's like I'm going through the motions but I'm not really here.
Goals? I need them! I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure I really know how to begin.
I know that if we weren't able to have a baby, it wouldn't be the end of the world. But it just sort of feels like that sometimes.
Do you ever feel stuck?
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Happy long weekend
Happy 'unofficial start to the summer' long weekend. It is an absolutely beautiful day today. Will it last all weekend? Maybe. Maybe not.
I woke up this morning soooo grumpy. Why? Because I remember last year's 'unofficial start to the summer' long weekend....I thought to myself, this time next year I will either be pregnant or have a baby.
Well, it is this time and neither are correct. I am sad. I am struggling. I am crying.
However, because the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and the day is beautiful, I willtry choose to enjoy the day. The lump in my throat and the heaviness on my heart will just have to wait.
Today I will enjoy friends and family (whom I've been neglecting), food (which I love) and plenty of wine, beer and fruity cocktails (oh my!).
Cheers!
I woke up this morning soooo grumpy. Why? Because I remember last year's 'unofficial start to the summer' long weekend....I thought to myself, this time next year I will either be pregnant or have a baby.
Well, it is this time and neither are correct. I am sad. I am struggling. I am crying.
However, because the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and the day is beautiful, I will
Today I will enjoy friends and family (whom I've been neglecting), food (which I love) and plenty of wine, beer and fruity cocktails (oh my!).
Cheers!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Looking for my rainbow connection
I suppose I've always had a rainbow obsession...ever since I was a little girl...
The Rainbow Connection from the Muppet Movie.
Friday, May 6, 2011
The news
I've been writing this post since I found out the news. I didn't really know how to approach it and needed to put a lot of thought into it.
The ironic part about it all, is that just as I was about to write a very angry post that day back in January, I received the news. I am so thankful I didn't post. Instead, I posted this the next day.
I love my family and would do pretty much anything for them. My sisters are my best friends (don't worry you are too My Love) and my adorable niece is so one of us...cheesy at 2 1/2 years old. So cutie patootie, let me tell ya!
Let me also tell you that she is going to be a big sister. That's the news.
When M first told me she was pregnant the rush of emotions were so overwhelming. I cried and laughed at the same time (which if you know me, you know this can happen from time to time in any given emotional state). I was over the moon excited but my heart felt so heavy.
M was just crying. Why? Because although her news was amazing and, as I see every conception now as a miracle, she was hurting for me. I think she even apologized. Is that some sisterly love or what?
I will be honest and say I thought I was being selfish for struggling a bit with the news, but reality is no one's life stops because I'm fertility challenged. It's my sister after all and no matter how much my heart hurts, it's probably the next best thing.
The ironic part about it all, is that just as I was about to write a very angry post that day back in January, I received the news. I am so thankful I didn't post. Instead, I posted this the next day.
I love my family and would do pretty much anything for them. My sisters are my best friends (don't worry you are too My Love) and my adorable niece is so one of us...cheesy at 2 1/2 years old. So cutie patootie, let me tell ya!
Let me also tell you that she is going to be a big sister. That's the news.
When M first told me she was pregnant the rush of emotions were so overwhelming. I cried and laughed at the same time (which if you know me, you know this can happen from time to time in any given emotional state). I was over the moon excited but my heart felt so heavy.
M was just crying. Why? Because although her news was amazing and, as I see every conception now as a miracle, she was hurting for me. I think she even apologized. Is that some sisterly love or what?
I will be honest and say I thought I was being selfish for struggling a bit with the news, but reality is no one's life stops because I'm fertility challenged. It's my sister after all and no matter how much my heart hurts, it's probably the next best thing.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Our Revised Plan
I am struggling. I am really struggling.
And although it's tough, according to My Love, we need a plan. Let me explain...
My Love feels we need to decide, before we begin a new cycle, on the number of injectable stimulated IUI's we are willing to try before stopping and moving on. I suppose this is a good idea to discuss now while we are not cycling. I just don't like to talk about what will happen next during a cycle. You know what I mean? I'm a bit funny that way.
Of course, a lot will have to do with how well I may or may not respond to adding the stronger and 'fancier' follicle stimulating hormones into the equation. I would also be in La-La land to think that costs will also play a key role as well.
We've decided that the magical number will be 3. And why shouldn't it be? We've tried 3 million natural cycles. 3 medicated cycles. 3 medicated cycles with IUI.
So there we have it. Our plan. Or shall I say our revised plan. Because all of this was never really our plan to begin with.
I suppose it's someone else's plan for us.
And although it's tough, according to My Love, we need a plan. Let me explain...
My Love feels we need to decide, before we begin a new cycle, on the number of injectable stimulated IUI's we are willing to try before stopping and moving on. I suppose this is a good idea to discuss now while we are not cycling. I just don't like to talk about what will happen next during a cycle. You know what I mean? I'm a bit funny that way.
Of course, a lot will have to do with how well I may or may not respond to adding the stronger and 'fancier' follicle stimulating hormones into the equation. I would also be in La-La land to think that costs will also play a key role as well.
We've decided that the magical number will be 3. And why shouldn't it be? We've tried 3 million natural cycles. 3 medicated cycles. 3 medicated cycles with IUI.
So there we have it. Our plan. Or shall I say our revised plan. Because all of this was never really our plan to begin with.
I suppose it's someone else's plan for us.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
A Broken Hallelujah
bro·ken
1. Having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order.2. Rejected, defeated, or despairing.
1. Having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order.
2. Rejected, defeated, or despairing.
hal·le·lu·jah
1. An expression of worship or rejoicing.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Cancelled cycle and Ticking clock
As I drove back to the clinic yesterday morning I felt so anxious. Excited. Scared. Most importantly hopeful again.
We will be moving on to more aggressive treatments by adding injectable hormones into the equation. So, this cycle was like starting fresh. Kinda. Pretty exciting, eh? As exciting as hormones can be.
Getting my blood work done, I made some nervous conversation. Having my ultrasound done....ouch! That was weird. Mr. ultrasound wand sorta hurt.
The wonderful nurse called me in for my results, took a deep breath and said, "ok, you have a fair sized cyst...". I knew exactly what side she was talking about as I have been uncomfortable for weeks now. That's all I heard because I was sobbing like a little girl.
This cycle is now cancelled until the cyst goes away. Who knows how long it will take. Maybe a month. Maybe 2. We will see if it will go away on its own. At least I didn't have to go on birth control pills, which is common to suppress the growth of cysts...I think.
So in the meantime, while we wait for this cyst to go away, my lovely endometriomas continue to grow... oh and I think I hear my clock ticking too.
BLAH!
I'm scared. I'm really sad. I'm a bit of a mess.
We will be moving on to more aggressive treatments by adding injectable hormones into the equation. So, this cycle was like starting fresh. Kinda. Pretty exciting, eh? As exciting as hormones can be.
Getting my blood work done, I made some nervous conversation. Having my ultrasound done....ouch! That was weird. Mr. ultrasound wand sorta hurt.
The wonderful nurse called me in for my results, took a deep breath and said, "ok, you have a fair sized cyst...". I knew exactly what side she was talking about as I have been uncomfortable for weeks now. That's all I heard because I was sobbing like a little girl.
This cycle is now cancelled until the cyst goes away. Who knows how long it will take. Maybe a month. Maybe 2. We will see if it will go away on its own. At least I didn't have to go on birth control pills, which is common to suppress the growth of cysts...I think.
So in the meantime, while we wait for this cyst to go away, my lovely endometriomas continue to grow... oh and I think I hear my clock ticking too.
BLAH!
I'm scared. I'm really sad. I'm a bit of a mess.
Monday, April 25, 2011
The results are in
BIG. F*CKING. NEGATIVE.
Today I will throw hope out the window for breaking my heart...
Today I will only eat chocolate...
Today I will only drink wine...
Tomorrow hope will fix my heart again...
Thursday, April 21, 2011
A Rabbit in that Hat
I woke up this morning feeling crampy!
Not crampy like grumpy!
Crampy like Aunt Flo, period-like, please say it ain't so crampy!
And of course because I had to have 2 trigger injections, I need to wait a bit longer before we can test.
As I had a mini freak out this morning, My Love so calmly reminded me that there is still a blood test to take. He also reminded me, as he usually does, there are some things we have no control over and as long as I did my best to stay healthy and positive I did my part.
As you can see he is the calmer more rational one in our relationship.
I received an email from a friend yesterday. She is a fabulous woman.
On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
Sometimes all God wants you to do is to "get the ball rolling." Then, She'll take it from there. So when things turn out other than the way you wanted them to, don't be so quick to say, "Bummer!" Many a Bummer is a Blessing in disguise. Consider the possibility that life is magic...and that there's a rabbit in that hat.
Not crampy like grumpy!
Crampy like Aunt Flo, period-like, please say it ain't so crampy!
And of course because I had to have 2 trigger injections, I need to wait a bit longer before we can test.
As I had a mini freak out this morning, My Love so calmly reminded me that there is still a blood test to take. He also reminded me, as he usually does, there are some things we have no control over and as long as I did my best to stay healthy and positive I did my part.
As you can see he is the calmer more rational one in our relationship.
I received an email from a friend yesterday. She is a fabulous woman.
On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
Sometimes all God wants you to do is to "get the ball rolling." Then, She'll take it from there. So when things turn out other than the way you wanted them to, don't be so quick to say, "Bummer!" Many a Bummer is a Blessing in disguise. Consider the possibility that life is magic...and that there's a rabbit in that hat.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Stay off the computer
I've had a busy few days. This morning was my progesterone blood work check at the clinic. I worked Saturday and spent Sunday at my moms and yesterday was a sort of spring cleaning do whatever I want day (I had the day off).
I did however manage to get in some google-ing time on Friday! Earlier than originally thought, but I broke down. Totally justified though. I wasn't feeling well and I had severe lower back pains and not to mention (warning too much information ahead), some spotting...lots of spotting. But when it got worst on Saturday morning, I upgraded to a phone call to the clinic.
The nurse gave me a couple scenarios on what it could possibly be and told me I needed to relax and keep my feet up. More importantly, STAY OFF THE COMPUTER!!!
What? Stay off the computer? Whatever shall I do? Hmmmm...go to Chapters (I know that's not exactly staying off my feet)!
No I'm not completely crazy, just a little bit. I didn't go to scope out books on babies or pregnancy stuff, I went to become further acquainted with the gluten free world. It's been about 3 weeks since I've eliminated, or am doing my best to eliminate, gluten. It's tough, but I feel great. Why didn't I do this sooner. I am no longer doubled over in agony like I usually am after every meal.
Not to mention I've lost 5 pounds that somehow followed me home a few months ago.
So, I grabbed a couple books and yes, I am relaxing...as relaxed as one can be during this2 1 week wait...
I did however manage to get in some google-ing time on Friday! Earlier than originally thought, but I broke down. Totally justified though. I wasn't feeling well and I had severe lower back pains and not to mention (warning too much information ahead), some spotting...lots of spotting. But when it got worst on Saturday morning, I upgraded to a phone call to the clinic.
The nurse gave me a couple scenarios on what it could possibly be and told me I needed to relax and keep my feet up. More importantly, STAY OFF THE COMPUTER!!!
What? Stay off the computer? Whatever shall I do? Hmmmm...go to Chapters (I know that's not exactly staying off my feet)!
No I'm not completely crazy, just a little bit. I didn't go to scope out books on babies or pregnancy stuff, I went to become further acquainted with the gluten free world. It's been about 3 weeks since I've eliminated, or am doing my best to eliminate, gluten. It's tough, but I feel great. Why didn't I do this sooner. I am no longer doubled over in agony like I usually am after every meal.
Not to mention I've lost 5 pounds that somehow followed me home a few months ago.
So, I grabbed a couple books and yes, I am relaxing...as relaxed as one can be during this
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
2 week wait
This cycle has been crazy! It was touch and go for a while with a couple things to keep an eye on, we weren't sure we would be able to have our IUI procedures! But linings thickened and follicles grew and I am officially into the 2 week wait.
The 2 week wait is agonizing! It's the longest 2 weeks ever! I will begin my google-ing early pregnancy symptoms probably on the weekend. It won't matter if I really have any symptoms or not because my heart will tell me I do...and how can I forget the extra progesterone I will be taking that often mimic pregnancy symptoms too. Pretty cruel, eh?
So, what shall I do to keep myself busy?
The 2 week wait is agonizing! It's the longest 2 weeks ever! I will begin my google-ing early pregnancy symptoms probably on the weekend. It won't matter if I really have any symptoms or not because my heart will tell me I do...and how can I forget the extra progesterone I will be taking that often mimic pregnancy symptoms too. Pretty cruel, eh?
So, what shall I do to keep myself busy?
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Mrs. Familiar Face
Yesterday was CD (cycle day) 10. As I drove over to the clinic, I found myself ...um, reminded myself to stay positive, which I constantly need to be aware of. I gave my follicles a pep talk and explained to them they needed to grow and if they did grow, they'd have a big surprise waiting for them when they matured. Please and thank you.
As I sat there waiting for my turn, I saw no familiar faces. I wanted to see other patients I recognized that have been there just as long as I have. Was that mean? Maybe.
And then a familiar face! I felt relieved and sad at the same time that maybe she was thinking and feeling the same as I was. No eye contact was made, but as she got up for her turn I noticed she had A BUMP. OMG! Was she pregnant? A rush of emotions came over me. I wanted to give her a great big hug and fall to the floor at the same time. It was her turn! Congratulation Mrs. Familiar Face!
As I sat there waiting for my turn again (because that's what you do, it's like an assembly line of sorts) I swear I heard my follicles tell me," Stay focused because it's gonna be our turn soon too".
As I sat there waiting for my turn, I saw no familiar faces. I wanted to see other patients I recognized that have been there just as long as I have. Was that mean? Maybe.
And then a familiar face! I felt relieved and sad at the same time that maybe she was thinking and feeling the same as I was. No eye contact was made, but as she got up for her turn I noticed she had A BUMP. OMG! Was she pregnant? A rush of emotions came over me. I wanted to give her a great big hug and fall to the floor at the same time. It was her turn! Congratulation Mrs. Familiar Face!
As I sat there waiting for my turn again (because that's what you do, it's like an assembly line of sorts) I swear I heard my follicles tell me," Stay focused because it's gonna be our turn soon too".
Sunday, April 3, 2011
April showers bring May flowers
This past week in review...
my naturapathic dr. consult got rescheduled ...AF (aunt flo a.k.a period) arrived, and like a cycling junkie (not to be mistaken for bicycling junkie like My Love), I decided I NEEDED to get back to it.
Yup, that's right I couldn't stay away any longer and am officially cycling again. After an almost four month break, I received such a warm welcome back from the staff at the fertility clinic. Sure I'm all warm and fuzzy that I was missed, but I mean business and am ready to be pocked and prodded once again.
After a mini catch up with the nurse, she reminds me that Dr.C likes to do three of the same procedures before moving on to more aggressive (unless of course I want to). Alrighty then, IUI #3 it is! EXCEPT this cycle's equation will look more like this...
my naturapathic dr. consult got rescheduled ...AF (aunt flo a.k.a period) arrived, and like a cycling junkie (not to be mistaken for bicycling junkie like My Love), I decided I NEEDED to get back to it.
Yup, that's right I couldn't stay away any longer and am officially cycling again. After an almost four month break, I received such a warm welcome back from the staff at the fertility clinic. Sure I'm all warm and fuzzy that I was missed, but I mean business and am ready to be pocked and prodded once again.
After a mini catch up with the nurse, she reminds me that Dr.C likes to do three of the same procedures before moving on to more aggressive (unless of course I want to). Alrighty then, IUI #3 it is! EXCEPT this cycle's equation will look more like this...
letrozole + trigger + back to back IUI + progesterone = BABY
My ultrasound found a cyst (no biggie so far) and we have decided to have My Love have another analysis done since it's been a year and a half since his last check (which was found to be slightly below normal).
So as the hormones are raging....here's hoping April showers bring May flowers.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
A successful baby visit
I'm sure this doesn't come across as a surprise but, lately I've been avoiding any type of situation, gathering or people where there may be a lot of babies, toddlers and children around. Actually, just avoiding any type of gathering period. I'm just having a difficult time putting on a believable smile.
After crawling out from underneath my rock, I decided I really should meet the newest edition to my cousin's family. So, got myself together and made the congratulations call last week. Then, on Friday very focused, I headed over to the mall and did some baby gift shopping. After having my token breakdown right there in the baby section of H&M, I realized there are definitely way more girl clothes to choose from than boys.
My sister's and I went yesterday for our visit. It was very strange. As I drove over I was actually nervous. What the hell was I nervous for? I don't know. I can't explain it. My only thought was I didn't want to have a breakdown while I was holding this barely one week old baby.
My stomach was in knots the whole time. While most of our conversation was about baby, the lack of sleep and sore body parts I couldn't help but zone out and think how I wanted to be soooo tired too and have my body parts be soooo sore as well!
Our visit was a success, tearless and all. And while I was holding Baby I was secretly hoping she would rub some baby dust on me.
I Would Die For That -Kelley Coffey
After crawling out from underneath my rock, I decided I really should meet the newest edition to my cousin's family. So, got myself together and made the congratulations call last week. Then, on Friday very focused, I headed over to the mall and did some baby gift shopping. After having my token breakdown right there in the baby section of H&M, I realized there are definitely way more girl clothes to choose from than boys.
My sister's and I went yesterday for our visit. It was very strange. As I drove over I was actually nervous. What the hell was I nervous for? I don't know. I can't explain it. My only thought was I didn't want to have a breakdown while I was holding this barely one week old baby.
My stomach was in knots the whole time. While most of our conversation was about baby, the lack of sleep and sore body parts I couldn't help but zone out and think how I wanted to be soooo tired too and have my body parts be soooo sore as well!
Our visit was a success, tearless and all. And while I was holding Baby I was secretly hoping she would rub some baby dust on me.
I Would Die For That -Kelley Coffey
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
What if
What a lovely spring day. The sun is shining. The air is fresh. And I feel broken.
My heart feels so heavy. Lately I've had the 'what if' blues. You know, what if we never get pregnant? what if our next cycle fails? What if we can't afford IVF? What if we should try another fertility clinic? What if I stay this sad forever?
As like anyone else struggling with infertility, I often go back and forth between my 'I am full of hope' days and my 'I am so angry/sad/resentful' days. It comes and goes, although lately it just comes. I have a lot of other crap going on in my life right now that, if you can even believe, has to come before anything fertility. Which doesn't help my heavy heart.
BUT as I have said before, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason...and there's always a reason. I believe this now more than ever because I just need to believe.
My heart feels so heavy. Lately I've had the 'what if' blues. You know, what if we never get pregnant? what if our next cycle fails? What if we can't afford IVF? What if we should try another fertility clinic? What if I stay this sad forever?
As like anyone else struggling with infertility, I often go back and forth between my 'I am full of hope' days and my 'I am so angry/sad/resentful' days. It comes and goes, although lately it just comes. I have a lot of other crap going on in my life right now that, if you can even believe, has to come before anything fertility. Which doesn't help my heavy heart.
BUT as I have said before, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason...and there's always a reason. I believe this now more than ever because I just need to believe.
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