A successful baby visit

I'm sure this doesn't come across as a surprise but, lately I've been avoiding any type of situation, gathering or people where there may be a lot of babies, toddlers and children around. Actually, just avoiding any type of gathering period. I'm just having a difficult time putting on a believable smile.

After crawling out from underneath my rock, I decided I really should meet the newest edition to my cousin's family. So, got myself together and made the congratulations call last week. Then, on Friday very focused, I headed over to the mall and did some baby gift shopping. After having my token breakdown right there in the baby section of H&M, I realized there are definitely way more girl clothes to choose from than boys.

My sister's and I went yesterday for our visit. It was very strange. As I drove over I was actually nervous. What the hell was I nervous for? I don't know. I can't explain it. My only thought was I didn't want to have a breakdown while I was holding this barely one week old baby.

My stomach was in knots the whole time. While most of our conversation was about baby, the lack of sleep and sore body parts I couldn't help but zone out and think how I wanted to be soooo tired too and have my body parts be soooo sore as well!
Our visit was a success, tearless and all. And while I was holding Baby I was secretly hoping she would rub some baby dust on me.

I Would Die For That  -Kelley Coffey

What if

What a lovely spring day. The sun is shining. The air is fresh. And I feel broken.
My heart feels so heavy. Lately I've had the 'what if' blues. You know, what if we never get pregnant? what if our next cycle fails? What if we can't afford IVF? What if we should try another fertility clinic? What if I stay this sad forever?

As like anyone else struggling with infertility, I often go back and forth between my 'I am full of hope' days and my 'I am so angry/sad/resentful' days. It comes and goes, although lately it just comes. I have a lot of other crap going on in my life right now that, if you can even believe, has to come before anything fertility. Which doesn't help my heavy heart.

BUT as I have said before, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason...and there's always a reason. I believe this now more than ever because I just need to believe.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Isn't it insane how quickly things change. Just going about your business and then BOOM a horrific earthquake happens and changes the whole world. Literally.  (My heart goes out to all the people of Japan).

I suppose such is life. Boom! and then your world changes. Good or bad, a change is a change and the best thing to do in either scenario is, 'Keep calm and carry on'.

For anyone that truly knows me, that is not what I do. I get frazzled easily. I don't even really understand that concept. Keep calm? And then once you're calm carry on? Really? Is there a school you go to to learn this?

Oh right. It's called the school of life. Well, I must be failing miserably because I've only just recently figured out (kinda...maybe), that the only type of control you have in this world is the control over yourself....not what happens, doesn't happen, no control over any one's actions and clearly no control over the universe.

So since there's no calmness to my carry-on-ness do you have any suggestions?

Naturopathic Doctor

Who knew finding a Naturopathic doctor would be so difficult. I didn't know how to approach it, so I did what I do best and Googled my way through. My initial list of 6 doctors to meet was a bust as I was only able to speak to 1 over the span of a few weeks. Some of the offices I went to were either closed, moved, looked too shady and not that welcoming. So, I composed a new list. I managed to set up a meet and greet appointment with a doctor that was very experienced in fertility and woman's health. She was fabulous. As soon as I walked into her office I knew I was in the right place.
After a mini meeting and a mini meltdown, I booked my initial consultation appointment with her. I wasn't able to get in until the last week of March, but really my life has been a waiting game for the passed 3 years so what's another couple weeks.

I'm feeling anxious about everything, but excited to try a new approach or at least compliment it with our medical doctors. I feel my Love is a bit skeptical but supportive nonetheless. I know he is feeling just as sad and anxious as I am, but doesn't want to make it obvious. What a cutie patootie.

So Sad

Yesterday I received a 'key of hope' from one of my amazing sisters. Just one of those Hallmark gifts. I love it. I will keep it with me always. Thank you sister, how did you know I would need that today?

Today I feel so sad. Holy crap so sad. My heart actually hurts. This feeling sucks. That's all.

Gone Surfing

I've just spent the last 4 hours surfing the internet and reading other fertility blogs....
I read everything from BFP (big fat positives) to exercises to fertility diets to IVF to twins to miscarriages to prayers to positive thinking to stress free infertility to switching fertility clinics to oral drugs to injectable drugs to hormones to endometriosis (what I have) to ovulating or lack there of to sperm mobility to sperm morphology to sex positions to how many times do you do IUI (intrauterine insemination) before moving on to IVF to age to acupuncture to fear to hope to  sadness to feeling alone to hating the world to learning to love yourself in all of this to getting up each day scared to expensive treatments to being strong to facing reality to needles to ultrasounds to blood work to fabulous supportive husbands and partners and family and friends to feeling lost then found then lost again...

Hello March

It's hard to believe that we are already our third month into 2011. March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb....I sure hope so. We've had quite the frigid winter and I'm totally ready for some spring.

Funny thing I do every month, I estimate a due date if we were to get pregnant in that month. I realize that sound crazy, but it's what I do. So, according to my calculations if we get pregnant this month our baby will be born towards the end of November or mid December. Which also means we still have a chance for a 2011 baby! Hmmmm, I'll do anything to keep hope going.

Hakuna Matata

I went to visit the cutest toddler in the world yesterday (ok, maybe I'm a bit bias), S is so into The Lion King. I LOVE THE LION KING! (I happen to have my own platinum edition, thank you).

Her new favourite song and exactly what I needed a dose of.....

Hakuna Matata

Yin and Yang

I've been entertaining the idea of trying some alternative medicine.

I am currently reading The Infertility Cure by Dr. Randine Lewis. It talks about incorporating Traditional Chinese Medicine and Acupunture to your fertility regime or strictly as your fertility regime.
Really what do I have to lose. I'm willing to try just about anything at this point. And since our next treatment is either insemination #3 or IVF the price is right.

My goal for the next week is to complete my read and find a Naturopathic Doctor that will add some TCM to the mix or even better a Doctor that actually follows this Fertility Program. It will be a whole new world for me that, at this point, won't include hormones, hormones and more hormones.

The basis of TCM is all about energy, opposites, and balance...
Yin and Yang here I come...

Time well wasted

I've been known to rearrange furniture and decor at home at least once a month...

So why wouldn't I try to rearrange the look of my blog, change it up a bit, add some new things until I'm satisfied (I mentioned I was indecisive, right?).

I think I'd like to call this time well wasted. While I'm fussing with colours, layout and design, I'm not thinking of when my next cycle monitoring session may OR may not begin.
While we are anxious and need to be more aggressive in treatment and possibly adding alternative treatments our pockets have a whole in them.

It's been 2 months now since we've been to the clinic. The first month was due to a holiday shut down and the second month I wasn't quite ready to return. I'm ready now to once again be poked, prodded and hormonally jacked.

What God Meant

I came across this lovely poem...
It made me breathe so deeply...
It lifted my heart so slightly...

What God Meant

What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility?

I think He meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper.

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down.

I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols.

I think God meant for us to find a cure for fertility.

No, God never meant for me to not have children.

That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on.

I've been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I'm a better person for it.

Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment.

I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could ever experience the joy that I know awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own.

And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."

Author Unknown

My quicker picker upper

                                                                                        

Patience

Some days are easier than others.

You can blame the weather or that time of the month, but I will say it's just me. It's not uncommon for me to feel happy, sad or angry all in the same day or even within the same hour.

I try, I try, I try to realize that there are worst things in the world and I need to have patience.  It's not easy.  I feel guilty for feeling sad and resenting every pregnant woman out there. I feel lost! I feel stuck! This sucks!

Do you know what the definition of insanity is? It's doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I do.

Have you seen the movie Groundhog Day?
Welcome to my world.

Am I being such a downer?
Yup.

Am I going to quit?
Nope.

Am I learning true patience?
For sure.

If You're Looking For Me

I started to write a new post yesterday. It was full of raw emotion. So glad I didn't post it.
If you're looking for me I'll be somewhere over the rainbow...

On A Quest

On a quest to quiet my mind, I realize I don't listen to enough music....
Here is one of my favourite's

Friend

I met a friend today for lunch.

I love meeting up with her because we always seem to pick up where we left off. It's not always easy with schedules but...it could be a week, a month or a year and it always seems like just yesterday when I see her.

If I ever needed anything I could and would totally call her.

Friends, for me, are far and few between. Which I prefer. The unconditional love of a friend-like that of my friend today, is so rare and special.

Thank you my friend for more than you really know!

This Moment

My blog is titled "These Defining Moments" and I have to say in this moment there is nothing going on. I mean nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero.

A defining moment is actually described as...  An event, action, or decision that results in a significant change for a person, institution,community,country or the world       (thanks Answer.com)

So as I sit here thinking about what I just wrote, I realize that I am right smack in the middle of a defining time-which once I make a move, will be a defining moment. I need to make some very important decisions and changes. I just don't know how and where to start.

I often have internal dialogues within myself and some days it goes like this......"now what are you going to do hotshot? the clocks ticking and you are not getting any younger. You only get what you give. Is this what you've strived to be all your life? What are you doing?"  BLAH

And other days it's more like this... "Don't worry, you've got plenty of time. Have patience, there is only so much you can control. Your doing just fine with everything in your life" BLAH

As Wilt Whitman, an American poet and as quoted in the movie TinCup, I now say " Self, YOU EITHER DEFINE THE MOMENT OR THE MOMENT WILL DEFINE YOU"

And don't I know it.

Happy New Year

I'm sitting here wanting to write my first post of the new year but I don't know what to say. Strange.

I can recap 2010, but I don't want to. Instead I will choose one word that describes it, ENDURANCE. That's all for that. Goodbye 2010.

Hello 2011. I welcome you with open arms, an open heart and an open mind. Please be good to me.

Happy New Year.

Peace.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Well, maybe a few days late. It always amazes me on how fast the holidays fly by. So much planning, cooking, baking and eating (my personal favourite), although I am crazy about wrapping presents too.
I always hear that Christmas is for the kids and yes it is, the Santa part is. But isn't giving fun for adults?
I love to give!! From gifts to spending time to acts of kindness to all the cheesiness....I love it! And of course, who couldn't use a little dose of 'Buddy the Elf'?

For this brief moment in time everything sparkles, people smile and the world is buzzing.
Ok, maybe my world is buzzing and sparkling. I need it to just for a little while. I choose to take this festive time and appreciate what I have, be thankful for my family and friends and remember those who are no longer around (I miss you dad).

I want to hold on to this sparkle for dear life and bring it with me into the new year.

Time

I remember thinking how excited I was last year that this time next year we would be a family of 3, or at least on our way.

Well, it's next year. My heart hurts. Really? How much more can one person take. When I take a look back  it's all a big blur. Our quest for baby really started over 2 years ago. From doctor to doctor, tests to procedures, medication to surgeries, clinics to hospitals. It has been a road I never thought I'd have to travel. I've been consumed by fertility, a cold and lonely world. I think I'm all Googled out.

Maybe I haven't treated my body kind. Didn't eat the right foods, too much caffeine, not enough water, too much wine. Maybe I didn't exercise enough or not enough vitamins. I could've been a better person. I should've worked harder and smarter. Blah!Blah! Blah! I'm tired of thinking.

I'm sad. With all the chaos happening in my mind, I forgot to enjoy and appreciate all the love and the little things over these passed couple years. I love the little things. I miss my husband, not my sperm donor.

I can't get those years back. Time is such an evil mistress. Bitch.

What am I going to do? Time for a new approach. Let me think about it.

Peace