A change is gonna come

A change is gonna come. Actually, a change has gotta come.
My Love and I decided that yes. For sure. We are on the road to IVF. I wrote this a couple weeks ago about being unsure. But we are sure. We know what we will do before, during and after IVF. That feels good.

We realize this road is not going to be an easy one, but until we reach our destination, I have a feeling I will be learning a few much needed lessons along the way. I already feel the changes happening. In my heart. In my mind.

It's not a secret that IVF is a whole lotta money. Also, not a secret, we don't have it (don't know many people who do).

But what's amazing is we are surrounded by people who want to help. And help sooooooo much. My beautiful friend has been hosting IVF fundraising garage sales . Well, garage sale #2 will be this weekend. How'd it happen so quickly? With a well written email sent from my sisters and friend (I love you ladies!), we have managed to receive donations of stuff. Good stuff. New stuff. Toys, furniture, household items...you get the picture.
And the donations keep pouring in...so much so we will be having garage sale #3 at one of my sister's houses next weekend. Donations from family, friends, friends of friends, their co workers, complete strangers, neighbours and even the bank teller who asked what all the coins were for.

I'm overwhelmed by the kindness. support. love. by people.

I have always thought that some people are kind. But most people not so much.
However, now I see that it's quite the opposite.

Perhaps I only acknowledge the rude people because I am in awe at how they could be that way.
But that doesn't make sense. That's wasted energy. Pay no mind to them.

Acknowledge kindness. Be aware of the positive people.

There we have it. Lesson #1.

Denial.

Infertility makes people uncomfortable. Mostly the people we love. I understand this.

I get that sometimes you don't know what to say. That's OK. You don't have to say much.

Really.

Just listen while I cry nonsense. Just hug me while I crumble.

*****

I started a second job just over a month ago. Part time, as I am able to work it around my first job and yesterday was a tough day. I felt like I was surrounded by pregnant women. Only pregnant women. I heard some stories about ankles being swollen. About all the excitement of having your first child. About plans on timing baby number 2. And as each minute passed I felt myself fading. I knew what would be coming next. I just needed to keep it together for a couple more hours. In order to maintain composure, I tried making random conversations. But while my eyes started to welt up talking about how hot the weather has been, I pretended I was just that much more focused on work. I'm sure it appeared strange, but whatever. I'm pretty sure I also ignored one very pregnant lady asking me a question.

And while I was so focused on the task at hand, my throat started to hurt. You know, when your heart says it can't take it anymore and begins the move to your eyes via the throat. I didn't allow it to get to that point though, which is very impressive for me. How I managed that I am not sure. I did feel a bit shaky, my heart was pounding and my stomach was hurting pretty bad.

But once I left, once I shut the door to the building it was another story. I broke. Raw emotion took over. I wasn't surprised it was that bad because since Monday's appointment I've been a bit numb.

The only thing that went though my mind all evening and all night while I lay in my bed awake was, 'Is this for real? Is all this really happening? Is it possible that we may never have a baby?'

It has been 3 years of trying. So, I know it sounds a bit odd that I may be questioning it now...but it just felt different. It felt like something hit me with a ton of bricks.

Have I been in denial this whole time?

Or was it that someone suggested I should accept that it's just the way it is.

Or maybe it's both.

Decisions.Decisions.

$15000.

That's what our RE says to have for a single IVF cycle. We may or may not need the full amount but be prepared for it.

Age 36-40.

That's when the success rate of carrying a full term IVF baby declines.

Laproscopic surgery #2.

That's what I will be doing sometime this year as my endometriosis has returned. With what seems like a vengeance.

Difficult and timely decisions.

That's what My Love and I are faced with. Challenged with. Confused about.

A lot to take in all at once. Needless to say the drive home from the appointment yesterday wasn't a dull one. What do we do? You would think it was a no brainer right? Maybe. But the decision isn't as easy as one would think. Well, it's not for us anyway. It isn't as simple as we thought it would be.
There are a couple other factors that we need to take into consideration.

We played devil's advocate for the rest of the evening. Becoming more and more confused. Breaking a bit with each passing scenario. Feeling even more anxiety with every beat of my heart.

Time is of the essence.

Whatever My Love and I decide on, we know this will be the biggest defining moment of our lives.

    "It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped."

-Tony Robbins

 

I accept

My nerve conduction test hurt.
But not as bad as my head made me think it would. Surprise. Surprise. Results to follow in a couple weeks.

Moving on.

I read this, this morning written by a fabulous woman named Keiko Zoll. Her blog asks 'Do you accept your infertility'?

So do I?

Um. I'm not sure what I would be accepting.
Am I accepting that I am infertile? Am I accepting that I may never have a biological baby?

No.

I accept I am infertile...FOR NOW.

I accept that I have no control over my infertility or my endometriosis that may be causing infertility.

I accept that infertility has made me angry, bitter and resentful. More than I thought I could ever be.

I accept that infertility has made me hurt in a way I have never thought my heart could take (and I've had quite a few painful experiences).

I accept that infertility is lonely.

I accept that infertility is cruel.

I accept that infertility has brought My Love and I closer in the most precious way ever.

I accept that infertility has shown me love I never would've seen before or felt before or accepted before.

I accept that infertility is teaching me patience.

I accept that infertility is making me stronger.

I accept that infertility is teaching me not to quit.

I accept that amongst all the dark and scary...there is beauty and light.

Will it hurt?

About a month ago, I wrote about some funny business and yesterday was the first part of the nerve assessment test. It was really more of an in depth consultation. I was asked a million questions and then hit with a medical mallet of some sort on what must have been every part of my body. The whole time the doctor told me to pretend I'm not here....Really? OK. Let me just look out the window while you beat me.

A little dramatic? I know. But I'm secretly freaking out while trying to appear calm. Since we don't know what it is yet, I'll try not to get carried away. I mean c'mon, I've been dealing with infertility and endometriosis for what seems like forever, so this should be a walk in the park. Right?

I hope.

Anyway, part 2 will take place on Monday. I will be having an EMG- electromyography test. The secretary gave me an information sheet which read:

      "EMG is a diagnostic test carried out on nerves and muscles. Electrodes are attached to the arm or leg and an electrical pulse is delivered to the nerve. The speed of the nerve function is then measured. Other electrodes will record the activity of the muscle and the technologist is then able to listen to certain sounds in the muscle. Small pin pricks will be felt with this part of the procedure. The electrical pulses and pin pricks are minimal. There is no special preparation for this test and no after effects"

And after reading it myself, my natural instinct was to ask, "Will it hurt? and how long is this test?"

The answer, "Well, it's just going to be a little uncomfortable and be prepared to be here for an hour."

Wow. Ok. I've heard the 'a little uncomfortable' speech before and I know what it means.
It means yes it will hurt... of course it will hurt...absolutely will hurt the whole hour.

     The Nervous System

Infertility dedication

Dear infertility,

I think about you often. So much so, I have found the perfect song for our relationship. This is my dedication to you.

Peace.

Reality is...

We made an appointment with our RE. We are currently not cycling, but need to discuss further treatment, plans and my endometriosis that is freaking me out. I feel it getting worse. And I'm scared. I know another surgery will be in my future. What scares me is how much worse it actually is.

I'm going to post my endo story another time, but until then...

Google, My Love and I have been talking and thinking, searching and discussing. And even though I wrote this post about our revised plans, we have revised our revised plans...hence the RE appointment.

No more wasting time, money and energy on IUI's.

Reality is...IVF.

There. I said it.

A bit of relief to put it out there.

A lot of tears to admit it.

Dear Father's Day

Dear Father's Day,

I'm sorry that I made a promise I couldn't keep. I know I said you would have a wonderful father to join in the celebration this year, but I was wrong. We did everything we could between last year and this year, but nothing worked. No miracle happened.

It wasn't for the lack of trying, it just didn't happen. I don't know why. Do you?

I know My Love will be an amazing daddy and I know he so desperately wants to be one. He is a good man. While I am falling apart he is trying to pick up the pieces. He thinks I don't know he is hurting, but I do. He thinks I can't see the sadness in his eyes, but I can. He thinks he has to be strong ALL THE TIME, but he doesn't.

So please father's day, embrace My Love with the confidence and hope that he will be a wonderful father some day and remind him that I love him with everything that I am. And let him know that there is a baby somewhere in this universe waiting to say 'happy father's day' to him.

source

Some funny business

I haven't really spoken much about it. Probably because I feel I complain so much about everything else. But since this is my safe place, I might as well.

For the pass few months there has been some funny business going on in my body. I'm not talking about the usual endometriosis type of funny business, I mean something new.

I've been experiencing numbness, tingling and weakness with both my arms, hands and feet. I also get random tingling that happens in the middle of my back. Strange right? And not so funny.

At first I thought it was all in my head (well, My Love sometimes calls me a hypochondriac), but once the funny business kept occurring more frequently, I knew it was time to check it out.

I've seen a neurologist, who has since arranged for a nerve conduction test. This will happen in July.

I'm nervous about it (no pun intended).

source

About Love

I've been thinking lately about many of my previous posts. It is clear that I am pretty down in the dumps. Sad. Lost.

What is not clear to the world and possibly the people in my world, is how fortunate I am to have the people I have in my life. How thankful I am for them. How much I love them.

And even though I tend to be a bit of a 'keep to myself' kinda gal, there are people who have come to realize this and love me anyway. I call these people true friends. Thank you true friends.

And even though I may be a little very emotional, a bit snappy and appear uninterested, there is someone who loves me unconditionally. I call him My Love. Thank you My Love.

And even though I may talk and ramble about the same things while not making any sense and appear withdrawn, there are ladies that will always be on my side and listen. I call them my sisters and my mom. Thank you sisters and mom.

So even though I seem a bit lot like Eeyore and his cloud

source



I haven't forgotten how blessed, fortunate, lucky I truly am.

I am surrounded by love. And doesn't love conquer all?

courtesy of: Etsy. xpressitall2010

Stuck

I'm having one of those blah kind of days. I'm sure the weather doesn't help either. Or that I'm stupid tired from a long week of getting up at 4:30 every morning.
Or just blah because I'm just blah.

I dunno. I feel stuck. Like I cannot move forward in any aspect of my life. I feel that there has to be more. More quality to my day. More that I should be doing with my life. More focus. More motivation. More fulfillment.

It's like I'm going through the motions but I'm not really here.

Goals? I need them! I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure I really know how to begin.

I know that if we weren't able to have a baby, it wouldn't be the end of the world. But it just sort of feels like that sometimes.

Do you ever feel stuck?

Happy long weekend

Happy 'unofficial start to the summer' long weekend. It is an absolutely beautiful day today. Will it last all weekend? Maybe. Maybe not.

I woke up this morning soooo grumpy. Why? Because I remember last year's 'unofficial start to the summer' long weekend....I thought to myself, this time next year I will either be pregnant or have a baby.

Well, it is this time and neither are correct. I am sad. I am struggling. I am crying.

However, because the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and the day is beautiful, I will try choose to enjoy the day. The lump in my throat and the heaviness on my heart will just have to wait.

Today I will enjoy friends and family (whom I've been neglecting), food (which I love) and plenty of wine, beer and fruity cocktails (oh my!).

Cheers!

courtesy of

Looking for my rainbow connection

I suppose I've always had a rainbow obsession...ever since I was a little girl...

The Rainbow Connection from the Muppet Movie.

The news

I've been writing this post since I found out the news. I didn't really know how to approach it and needed to put a lot of thought into it.
The ironic part about it all, is that just as I was about to write a very angry post that day back in January, I received the news. I am so thankful I didn't post. Instead, I posted this the next day.

I love my family and would do pretty much anything for them. My sisters are my best friends (don't worry you are too My Love) and my adorable niece is so one of  us...cheesy at 2 1/2 years old. So cutie patootie, let me tell ya!
Let me also tell you that she is going to be a big sister. That's the news.

When M first told me she was pregnant the rush of emotions were so overwhelming. I cried and laughed at the same time (which if you know me, you know this can happen from time to time in any given emotional state). I was over the moon excited but my heart felt so heavy.

M was just crying. Why? Because although her news was amazing and, as I see every conception now as a miracle, she was hurting for me. I think she even apologized. Is that some sisterly love or what?

I will be honest and say I thought I was being selfish for struggling a bit with the news, but reality is no one's life stops because I'm fertility challenged. It's my sister after all and no matter how much my heart hurts, it's probably the next best thing.

courtesy of www.zazzle.ca

Our Revised Plan

I am struggling. I am really struggling.

And although it's tough, according to My Love, we need a plan. Let me explain...

My Love feels we need to decide, before we begin a new cycle, on the number of  injectable stimulated IUI's we are willing to try before stopping and moving on. I suppose this is a good idea to discuss now while we are not cycling. I just don't like to talk about what will happen next during a cycle. You know what I mean? I'm a bit funny that way.

Of course, a lot will have to do with how well I may or may not respond to adding the stronger and 'fancier' follicle stimulating hormones into the equation. I would also be in   La-La land to think that costs will also play a key role as well.

We've decided that the magical number will be 3. And why shouldn't it be? We've tried 3 million natural cycles. 3 medicated cycles. 3 medicated cycles with IUI.

So there we have it. Our plan. Or shall I say our revised plan. Because all of this was never really our plan to begin with.

I suppose it's someone else's plan for us.

A Broken Hallelujah

bro·ken

1. Having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order.

2. Rejected, defeated, or despairing.

hal·le·lu·jah 
1. An expression of worship or rejoicing.

Cancelled cycle and Ticking clock

As I drove back to the clinic yesterday morning I felt so anxious. Excited. Scared. Most importantly hopeful again.

We will be moving on to more aggressive treatments by adding injectable hormones into the equation. So, this cycle was like starting fresh. Kinda. Pretty exciting, eh? As exciting as hormones can be.

Getting my blood work done, I made some nervous conversation. Having my ultrasound done....ouch! That was weird. Mr. ultrasound wand sorta hurt.

The wonderful nurse called me in for my results, took a deep breath and said, "ok, you have a fair sized cyst...". I knew exactly what side she was talking about as I have been uncomfortable for weeks now. That's all I heard because I was sobbing like a little girl.

This cycle is now cancelled until the cyst goes away. Who knows how long it will take. Maybe a month. Maybe 2. We will see if it will go away on its own. At least I didn't have to go on birth control pills, which is common to suppress the growth of cysts...I think.

So in the meantime, while we wait for this cyst to go away, my lovely endometriomas continue to grow... oh and I think I hear my clock ticking too.

BLAH!

I'm scared. I'm really sad. I'm a bit of a mess.

The results are in

BIG. F*CKING. NEGATIVE.

Today I will throw hope out the window for breaking my heart... 

Today I will only eat chocolate... 

Today I will only drink wine...

Tomorrow hope will fix my heart again...

Hope Street -LaurenBPhotography

  

A Rabbit in that Hat

I woke up this morning feeling crampy!
Not crampy like grumpy!
Crampy like Aunt Flo, period-like, please say it ain't so crampy!

And of course because I had to have 2 trigger injections, I need to wait a bit longer before we can test.

As I had a mini freak out this morning, My Love so calmly reminded me that there is still a blood test to take. He also reminded me, as he usually does, there are some things we have no control over and as long as I did my best to stay healthy and positive I did my part.
As you can see he is the calmer more rational one in our relationship.

I received an email from a friend yesterday. She is a fabulous woman.

On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know... 
Sometimes all God wants you to do is to "get the ball rolling." Then, She'll take it from there. So when things turn out other than the way you wanted them to, don't be so quick to say, "Bummer!" Many a Bummer is a Blessing in disguise. Consider the possibility that life is magic...and that there's a rabbit in that hat.

Stay off the computer

I've had a busy few days. This morning was my progesterone blood work check at the clinic. I worked Saturday and spent Sunday at my moms and yesterday was a sort of spring cleaning do whatever I want day (I had the day off).

I did however manage to get in some google-ing time on Friday! Earlier than originally thought, but I broke down.  Totally justified though. I wasn't feeling well and I had severe lower back pains and not to mention (warning too much information ahead), some spotting...lots of spotting. But when it got worst on Saturday morning, I upgraded to a phone call to the clinic.

The nurse gave me a couple scenarios on what it could possibly be and told me I needed to relax and keep my feet up. More importantly, STAY OFF THE COMPUTER!!!

What? Stay off the computer? Whatever shall I do? Hmmmm...go to Chapters (I know that's not  exactly staying off my feet)!

No I'm not completely crazy, just a little bit. I didn't go to scope out books on babies or pregnancy stuff, I went to become further acquainted with the gluten free world. It's been about 3 weeks since I've eliminated, or am doing my best to eliminate, gluten. It's tough, but I feel great. Why didn't I do this sooner. I am no longer doubled over in agony like I usually am after every meal.
Not to mention I've lost 5 pounds that somehow followed me home a few months ago.

So, I grabbed a couple books and yes, I am relaxing...as relaxed as one can be during this 2 1 week wait...