Dear Baby Beans

I realized something today, although it was rough,  I really was pregnant.  I still need to acknowledge that, even if it was just for a very short period of time. And maybe at 5 weeks, it wasn't quite a 'baby' yet, but the embryos were ours. A part of My Love and a part of me. So real to us.

Dear Baby Beans, 

It's ok that you couldn't stick around. Just know that we loved you and the very thought of you both. 

Please be our guardian Bean Angels now. 

Mommy & Daddy

xoxoxo

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It's over

And just like that it's over.

My beta yesterday went down to 39.

At 5 weeks, I had a miscarriage.

After 4 years of infertility, I am raw.

I have been defeated.

I am done.

Beta #4

It's the name of my blog. The reason I began this blog.

THIS is THE defining moment of all moments.

The nurse said to me today, she didn't want to give me false hope. That I need to be prepared for Wednesday's beta because it is not looking good. This took my breath away.

Today's beta did not double. It barely went up. From 127 to 143.

So, it's either almost all over OR we will all be witness to a miracle.

I'm exhausted.

Beta #3

I was surprised. Shocked actually. My third beta was 127. This is good. It's getting better. But I just can't seem to shake this disbelief. I don't know if it's all the shitty symptoms I have that don't really coincide with a healthy pregnancy. The bleeding still. The pain still. Or that 4 years of infertility has done some serious damage. I can't seem to get excited, at least not yet. Even the nurse said to me yesterday to keep taking it one day at a time.

I will return tomorrow morning for beta test #4. What I am really holding out for now is the ultrasound. The ultrasound to me is even scarier than the initial pregnancy test. It's really a viability test. Will there be a heartbeat? That's all I keep thinking. I was told that this will happen around 6 weeks BUT my hcg level needs to be in the 1000's first. So, again we wait. 

Anyway, we went to see The Hunger Games last night. I Loved it. Every minute of it. And as I watched the movie, I couldn't help but relate a couple quotes to infertility (I know, but that's what I do).

So, I will leave you with these:

"Hope is the only thing stronger than fear" & of course,

"May the odds be ever be in your favour"

Fingers crossed

Here's a quick update and then it's back to the couch for me.

Good news is my hcg level has more than doubled. It is now at 46. Yay!!

Scary news is I am still in so much pain and bleeding tons. We are not sure why and it's too early for an ultrasound.

So, it is still a wait and see 'til my next blood test on Saturday morning. But it's looking better.

I just want to get excited, but can't do it just yet.

Please stick baby! Please stick!

A second line

Just when you think it's all over...It's not.

Today I am 9dp5dt. I woke up this morning in pain. My lower back was hurting, cramps were stabbing and yes there was still blood. But, since I am officially obsessed with hpts and I still have 2 more, I figured I might as well take one, don't want them to go to waste.

And there it was. A second line. A pale second line. A positive test. WTF right? I thought I was seeing things, I mean none of this makes sense. I feel like I am going crazy.

I called the clinic and they told me to come in right away to test. Of course, with the symptoms I am having, they are afraid of an early miscarriage.


My blood work results show a positive, but a very low beta hcg level of 17. Not such a great number. This number now has to continue to double every 48 hours. I will return Thursday morning for another blood test.

Not sure how to feel. But the ride continues.

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You

Happy birthday My Love.

Today we celebrate you. The wonderful you that you are. The you I could not live without. The you that loves me unconditionally. The you that I will grow old with. The hilarious you I adore. The strong you I admire.

Because today nothing else matters but you.

Happy Birthday

What a joke

We are taking in our computer to be repaired today. We haven't had much luck with them in the past year but that's another story. I'm not sure when we will have it back to give you my updates and IVF status.

But I will leave you with this for now...

It is 6dp5dt.

My beta test is Wednesday, 10dp5dt.

Yesterday morning I felt a bit of cramping.

This morning I woke up to blood.

I am pretty sure this is the beginning of the end.


I caved and bought tons of home pregnancy tests...

Because HOPE told me to do so.

So there I was this morning buying pads, pantyliner and pregnancy tests.

What a joke.

symptoms or progesterone?

Last night getting ready for bed, there it was again. Blood. Whatever. At least there wasn't any this morning. I am going in today for blood work. Just routine progesterone check, and you can bet I will be harassing the nurse about my bleeding. Although I know what she will say. I may even ask her what the grades were of our 2 embryos we transferred. I never did ask on Sunday, too nervous for details.

So at 4dp5dt I am stupid tired. Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep is taking a toll on me. I know you may say it's a preg symptom but I had this in past cycles as well (and sleeping has never been my forte).

I am also a bit nauseous. Now this too could be a side effect of the progesterone overload I am on. At 3 suppositories per day up my vah jay jay, ya that's a lot. Or could be a preg symptom.

My boobs are so sore. Like if you hug me, I may punch you. Symptom? Or like previously experienced progesterone side effect?

What else can I say? At this point, even with bleeding I hold a glimmer of hope. And why not right?

It ain't over til the fat lady sings...maybe I'll be the fat lady... in 9 months

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3dp5dt

So, I've been pretty good since the embryo transfer. Not overly obsessing every feeling I get. I haven't been google-ing all day on what my symptoms should be at any given point. Which is really good for me.

That all stopped this morning.

*warning tmi ahead* kinda.

I woke up this morning and there was blood. Not the brown kind, but the pinky red kind. Not a little bit, but quite a bit. It really didn't last too long, but I have been spotting and cramping on and off since Monday.

So, according to Dr.Google this could be implantation bleeding. Which would make it right on track with my handy dandy chart. At this point the embryo is attaching deeper into the uterine lining. Which would lead to a BFP.

But according to my past treatments this is also right on track. I spotted. A lot. And often. I cramped with low back pain too. Which lead to BFN.

I guess this is just another hurry up and wait moment that infertility is so infamous for. Cruel.

Crap, I could totally use a glass a wine right now. But I can't. Also cruel.

Some ramblings

Today is my second day post 5 day transfer or 2dp5dt. Not that I'm counting.

I have managed to keep busy, but not over exert myself. My Love has been amazing!! Doing everything and getting whatever it is I want or need. Best husband ever.

I have found this chart which gives us the daily embryo development. It's pretty cool and is posted on our fridge of course.

I still haven't decided if I'm going to POAS (pee on a stick) before the blood test.

Today I watched a few episodes of  'A Baby Story'. Not sure if it was a good idea. Seeing the women in labour made me want to puke. In one of the stories, it was the couples second IVF and they were having triplets. Yikes! That was a bit much.

Also, I've decided I'd like to paint our kitchen, family room and hallway. Soon, not now obviously. So, looking for ideas.

Thats all for now.

Back to my book.

2 beautiful embryos

Yesterday we transferred 2 beautiful embryos.The actual procedure took all of 7 minutes, if that, but it was one of the most intense and amazing 7 minutes of my life. It was so very formal and our embryologist repeatedly confirmed our embryos belong to us. He stood there from behind a pass through window and waited to pass our embryos to the nurse who would then pass them to our doctor.

The embryologist reminded me of the wizard from The Wizard of Oz. From behind the curtain, he worked his magic. And magic it was.

We all watched on the ultrasound screen as the catheter was inserted into my uterus. Then we all watched as the embryos made their way through the catheter and were released into my uterus. 1 and then 2. The whole room cheered! Yes actually cheered. They cheered, I cried. Our doctor said it was perfect.

And it was perfect. We stayed for another 30 minutes. Once we were able to leave we decided on a different route home. Not planned, but I realized this would take us right pass the cemetery where my dad's buried. We stopped briefly as it just felt so right to do so. I know my dad is watching as the events of our fertility journey unfold.

I feel him with the rest of my angels, hugging me, guiding me, loving me.

Now the waiting begins. Again.

And I just got the call that our third embryo didn't make it.

Nothing to freeze.

Then there were 3

Tomorrow is our embryo transfer day.

We now have 3 embryos left that have made it thus far.

The 'quality' or 'grade' has yet to be determined (well it's determined, I just don't know what they are right now).

It's all surreal.

I will keep you posted.

Our experience

Tuesday was quite the day. It was somewhat of a blur! On our way to the clinic, about to park the car, My Love got a stupid ticket. We made a left turn to follow the large P sign and didn't realize there was a time restriction on that turn. Blah. I feel pretty bad because I wasn't a very good look out passenger, just a very follicle filled, nervous one.

Anyway, once we arrived it took no time at all to get registered and change and prepped. There was another couple just ahead of us, this was their fourth IVF and their first resulted in a daughter.

Just before we were about to go in, my doctor came to see me. She laughed at me because apparently I had, "I'm freaking out" all of my face. Lucky for her I have a great sense of humour because her laughing almost warranted a punch in the face.

I went pee one last time before the procedure and then the nurse brought me into the room. My Love was already there with the doctor and 4 others, nurses and ultrasound tech. Once on the bed before I knew it, it was scoot down, spread 'em and spotlight (My Love got a kick out of the massive spotlight on my va jay jay). The doctor was ready and I hadn't even got my pain meds or my sedative. The timing was off on that for sure because I felt everything AND I'm pretty sure the dosage sucked because it didn't last.

During the procedure, we watched as the fluid was aspirated out of each follicle, at this point is the egg detaches from the follicle wall and is sucked out of the ovary. It was pretty amazing to be able to see the process. Science and medicine are a beautiful thing.

My recovery wasn't too bad. I was pretty sore though and received a lovely pain killer injection afterwards. Once we got home, I cuddled on the couch with my blanket and pillow, while trying to watch Ellen.

Our embryo transfer day is scheduled for Sunday.

As of today this is our embryo progress report...

Tuesday - we retrieved 7 eggs
Wednesday - of our 7 eggs, 5 were mature & 5 fertilized.
Thursday - of our 5 embryos, 1 embryo has stopped growing. We now have 4 embryos.

Hang in there my little embryos!

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Egg retrieval day

Today is egg retrieval day.

That's all.

I'll fill you in later on how everything went.

I can barely make a sentence right now, I am so nervous & anxious & emotional.

A day in the life

So here we are on day 8 and I am ready to get this show on the road. I am sore, bloated and moody. Sure, maybe that doesn't sound any different than normal BUT multiply that by a million...and the moody party by a trillion.

Trying to keep the positive vibes flowing, while being injected with concentrated levels of hormones is not my idea of fun. And once again I am reminded how infertility sucks ass.

On a lighter note, as much as infertility does suck ass I cannot deny it does not disappoint in the life lessons area. One (of quite a few) that keeps showing face is patience. And wow are my patience being tried. I suppose they have been for about 4 years now.

A day in the life of an IVF  or any cycle monitored visit...

Each time I need to travel to the clinic I awake early enough to beat the traffic. Usually. I rush to get ready and leave so my almost hour commute isn't an almost 2 hour commute. It usually works out for me. Once I am there, I sign in and I wait to have my blood work done. Then, I sign in and I wait to have my ultrasound done (that's where I meet up with my boyfriend again, "Mr.Wand"). Then I wait for the nurse, we go into her office and discuss my ultrasound results.
Finally I leave. The waiting continues until the blood results are in and that's when the nurse will call me. She will then give me the go ahead as planned with the dosage or give me different directions for the evening and tell me when to return.

Then I do it all again...

That's just the beginning of our  HURRY UP & WAIT GAME.

Day 5

Here we are, Day 5 on our IVF chart. The injections aren't too bad. It helps that the needles aren't that big. My Love has been giving them to me, which I totally prefer and I think he does too. It's his way of being physically involved as much as he can and I haven't had the nerve yet to stick myself.

On our day 1 we started off with 9 tiny follicles, a smaller cyst and as of yesterday we had 14 follicles and a still shrinking cyst. Yay! That's all I really know. I haven't asked for great details or if that's too much too soon or what the exact numbers are for my blood results. So far I haven't wanted to know. I figure the more I know the more obsessive I will become (shocking right?).  I will return to the clinic for ultrasound and blood work again. I'll ask for details tomorrow though.

This time last year we were heading into our last medicated IUI cycle. That was a tough cycle in every way. But this a completely different cycle that will end with a completely different result.

I hope.

It will.

I pray.

Here we go

I just took my first hormone injection. Well, I had to have My love give it to me.

Yup we are good to go and I can't believe it's about that time. Finally. I'm sort of at a loss for words right now and I cannot quite describe how I am feeling. Is that weird?

After almost 4 years of trying, here we are. At the door to a place I said I'd never go to.

But we are here and here we go.

And I'll never say never again.

Happy post #19

Happy post #19

Happiness is completion. It's finishing what you've started.

When I first thought of this, I was thinking more that I have completed my challenge of #19 happy posts. But the more I thought about it, completion really pertains to every part of life. Sure it may be a book you've started or a lingering project you keep meaning to get done, but it could also be an unresolved issue or feelings that you haven't dealt with. Or maybe a situation you may be avoiding. It may even be a life lesson you just haven't grasped yet.

It feels good to have closure or completion regardless of what it may be. See the experience, lesson, project, challenge that you started, for what it is. Complete it and move on. Learn from it and grow. Allow for your next experience or lesson to present itself and accept it. And in doing so, the clutter in your mind, heart and home will slowly dissolve. Now that's happiness.

Happy post#18

Happy post #18

Happiness is getting a good night sleep.

I usually wake up half way through the night, need to pee, get a sip of water, check the time, adjust the heat, steal the covers, fluff my pillow, count down the days to IVF, check that my alarm clock is set, think about what colour I'd like to paint the kitchen, losing 10 pounds, wanting to go on a vacation, think of baby names, wonder if we will have twins and, well you get the idea. But every now and again when I can turn my mind off (which I am getting better at) it is heavenly. Waking up so refreshed and well rested is truly priceless. Also, makes for a more content me.

I don't do naps though. Just not a big fan, no matter how tired I may be. My Love, on the other hand though, loves naps. I tell him naps are for whimps and babies.